Hello, CardDragon here, I am posting this reviews, its not supposed to be a complete story but an excerpt and I was hoping people could give their suggestions to make it better.
From the 12 serial of Launching 4, volume 9 named Xenon Packs.
" So Black Tarantula, Minza, Assicur and Titan are on this super dug that gives them this super strength effect to their powers" Purple muses sitting on the table gracefully in a pink top with kanki flower bottoms. " Well" Garth muses at Purple's body in front of him, " They are all crazy villains who have tried to kill other villains and heroes alike for their own needs. Its not that surprising that they would take this Xenon Pack drug from Kubasi corp, they have never been able to win against us, but that last battle was just crazy, we almost died."
"Well, Mr. Head Leader " Alice across from the head spot of the table smiles, " We just have to cut off their supply and it'll be like the old times"
"Except this is not like the old times, they are more blood hungry and more murderous than what they were, it was fun fighting them in the past, now, you can get messed fooling with them" Tom who was reclining spouts up. " Are you afraid honey?" Bridget smiles, " I can make it all better for you"
Bridget is standing beside Tom to his right and still has on her battle warn clothes. " ha,ha, no" Tom smiles,"Though the thought is appreciated."
Tom blushes red. " Why are you getting red" Satch says diagonal across from him, " Its not as if they have to stick the needles where the sun don't shine to get these supplements. We need to simply make it harder for them to do any damn thing. Satch's red hair glows brilliantly and a current blows his hair to make it seem as if he is make a declaration for war.
"No such thing, " Jon smiles across from Tom, " To continue the joke, we just need to prove to them that even with this drug of theirs it is not enough to defeat us, besides that drug has side affects, didn't Minza seem clingly to Tom when he went to sock her. In fact she was lilly red. It seems this drug has side affects that affects their pysch. Titan seemed less than egotistical but kind and gentleman like. Assicur was blood hungry and vicious, not cunning and sharp and thus she was even able to be bested by Satch's attacks which usually do not affect her, simply we need to switch up who hits who and how."
"I agree and I will have to concur" Garth stands and Purple gets off the table, we will go now and vanquish them, they are a danger to everyone, the villians, the civilians and other heroes as they are now-this is not like normal-we have to hit them while they are down or there will not be a trace of them after. I know the specifics of this very drug, being forced to stay in Kubasi Corp as an employee, those who continuously take this drug have a high combustion rate."
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Thank you everyone for posting, I'll take what you said into consideration. This excerpt is more based off a comic I am making, so it was kinda of this quick thing, I didn't put very hard work into. But I am glad that people think it should be a book. Perhaps I will make a version that will be a book and thus expand the media base, and then I would take some more of these critiques into consideration and use.
Hey there!
You have a pretty unique idea here and that's a good sign. My only issue is a smattering of various issues. For example, the last paragraph:
"I agree and I will have to concur"-------The "I will have to concur" doesn't really need to be there. The character has already stated that they have agreed to a previous point.
Immediately after 'Garth stands and Purple gets off the table', there is no punctuation for the continuation of the dialogue.
It's just small stuff like that that distracted me from the narrative a little bit.
Other than that, you have a very neat Judge Dredd or Umbrella Corp-esque vibe in here and that's pretty cool. This story has potential and don't give up!
Coolness, see ya!
------Kyuubi
Hey!
I'm starting my countdown to finishing Review Month! Currently I think I'm 4 reviews from finishing, I should probably check. Anyways, I saw this in the Green Room and thought it sounded interesting.
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I. "Dug" should be "drug"
II. Comma after "Purple muses", or period. If period start next sentence with "She was sitting..."
III. I personally have only heard of "khaki" pants, but I suppose "kanki" could also be a type I've never heard of.
IIII. You need to start a new paragraph when Garth starts talking. It's a genral rule of thumb that when a new person starts speaking to start a new paragraph.
I. It'd read better if you out "smiles" after "Alice", instead of where it currently is.
II. You need a period after "times"
I. It would sound better as "Tom spouts up from his recliner."
II. You need to start a new paragraph when Bridget speaks.
I. I think you meant "worn"
II. "Ha" needs to be capitalized, and you don't need a space between the quotation mark and "Ha"
I. You need a quotation mark where I've added one in bold.
I. Change the first comma to a period for better flow, add a quotation mark before "we" and capitalize "we"
Overall this had potential. I hope I didn't seem blunt, I really didn't mean anything that way. Have a great day!
~Myth