Sleeping in late I realized I had a date with summer.
I awoke not to soon, and started the sail on a ship that I was marooned at school with.
I picked up a pen and sent my doubt into a fiery den.
I took pictures of the chickens in different fixtures.
Only to find them beat and then did I eat.
I watched movies on my ship, and got hit by a watery patch.
The later heat wasn't neat.
Read in bed and now summer is dead.
Killed by fall, who always has fun doing his namesake.
So until next year, when spring and her bear resurrect and make the year correct.
Bye, Bye summer, to bad its such a bummer.
Now because of it,I have to wear mitts.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
This is a nice poem, though the rhyming pattern gets thrown off sometimes.
This line sticks out from the rest of the poem and seems a little long. Maybe just lose the beginning part that says you awoke since the first line already says "Sleeping in late". In the part in red, I think you meant "on the ship".
The last line here messes up the pattern you've created with the flow of your rhyming.
Some lines are long, some short, some rhyme, and others don't. I suggest creating more of a pattern using line breaks.
I hope this helped and keep writing!
Hey Y'all,
I have decided that I feel your poems are very much in the style of the Victorian era.
You used some archaic terms in my opinion, but I think it added to the complexity of the piece.
I rather enjoyed this piece however it needs a bit of work.
this line really annoys me, it feels really out of place and I don't like the word neat. I would change this to something else in my opinion.
That is the only major issue I have.
PM me for anything.
~Retro Disco666