I died for you

Overall, i liked it. I kind of got confused about the year 12's and year 9's and such, but i managed to read it quite well. I was even about to cry(:

CaptianRandom wrote:I loved you, I cared for you, I died for you.
You weren’t sure, you were confused, you hated yourself for missing the chance.

It all started one day at school, it was a new semester and we got new timetables. As I was doing my work there was a knock at the door, I look to see who it was out of common curiosity, I wanted to see who it was, it was you and your friends, you are in my class and I am nervous now. I don’t really talk to you, your one the ‘popular’ kids, to cool totoo not to talk to me, and you sat behind me. As the lesson goes by you and your friends talk and I listen, I know I shouldn’t but I did. You drop your pen and asked if I could pick it up for you, you called my name and I gave it to you without eye contact and you saysaid thanks.

Weeks go on and I trytried to talk to you, but I losslost my courage. Every night before I sleep I think of us being together, every chance I get to wish for something it’s always “I wish we could be together”, but it never happens.

I make poems for you, but never give them to you, I always think of plans to express my emotions, but I just cower.

There are rumours rumorsin the school about a year 12 got treaded treatedreally badly by some year 9’s and started doing drugs, but that’s just a rumour.rumor

There are days where I see you looking at me, I look back at you, but you look away. I know there are feelings of us inside you; I just wish we could express them.

I turn up to school one day and go to P.E theory. You ask if you can go get a drink and so do I. We walk to the drink taps in silence, and then I try to break the silence. “So did you hear the rumourrumor about that year 12 that got treaded badly by some year 9’s then went on drugs?”
“Yes, I don’t think it’s real though, I just think it’s a rumourrumoradd a comma or period”
“So do I”.period before the "
As we walk back to class in silence again we hear foot steps in the quadrangle. We turn around and there is a year 12 boy standing five meters away from us with a gun in this right hand and some drugs in his left.
“It’s truecomma” you screamperiod
“Don’t say anythingcomma” I whisperperiod
“It’s because of you stupid year 9’s that I’ve become like this, depressed, I can’t take it anymorecomma”
“We didn’t do anything to youcomma” I sayperiod
“No, no you didn’t, but it was others of your kindcomma” he says to usperiod
“Werewe're human humansjust like youcmma” you sayperiod
“Yes well im gona teach you PESTS a lessoncomma im getting tired of doing this!”
The drugged boy lifts his gun and points it to you. Teachers and students run out to see what all the commotion is.
“Nathan you don’t need to do thiscomma” one of the teachers yells to the drugged boy.
“Yes I do, these year 9’s have screwed with my life for the last time”.period before the "
The gun and drugged boy are still five meters away from us, as you go to move he pulls the trigger I act instantaneously and I jump in front of you and save your life, but the bullet goes right into my heart and I fall to the ground, but you catch me and my wish comes true. Teachers run and grab Nathan, the drugged boy and others help you and call the ambulance. As I lay here looking at you I say something.
“I want you to look at somethingcomma”
“What?” you askperiod
“I want you to go on a website called YWS, the young writers society, and go into a user called CaptianRandom, and in the profile I want you to read the poems in there.” I sayperiod
And at that moment I die, still looking into your eyes, and you start to cry.

You go home and think of me, you go on the computer and think of me, you go on YWS and you think of me, you find my user and think of me, you read my poems and you cry. You make a user yourself and write poems back about me.

You regret not trying to talk to me, you regret not trying to start a conversation with me, you regret not trying to start a relationship with me.

Even though I am long gone from this worldcomma I still love you and I regret not trying to do those things with you. But you love me now, because I died for you.

Your title implies that there should be a lot more feelings involved, but I didn't really feel them. I found myself picking at grammar mistakes, and the different tenses used. One moment it was past tense and the next, present. I felt the mention of the website was a little bit, well, cheesey. Although you most likely do post many of your feelings on here, it takes away from the romanticism of the story. A journal has a timeless feel to it, and I think it would be much more appropriate.

Other than that, the story needed more descriptions. What did they look like? What do the halls look like before you get shot? Does time slow down, or does it end quickly? I think better imagery would allow you to really drag readers in. For me, romance is all about the feelings created by a visual. For example, "He kissed her." Does it make your heart race? Probably not. Stretching simple acts like this is what makes a good romance for me. How did he kiss her, what did his lips feel like? Ask yourself questions about the senses when writing if it helps. It helps others to feel what the character feels.

Regardless, not a bad story. A little more development and characterization and I think it'll be a good story.

Jasmine.

I thought this was pretty good, needs a read over for a few simple mistakes.
though I think you should try to get the emotions across better, make the reader fall in the love with the girl like the narrator is in love with her. Romances are all about feelings, so the story really has to show emotions. Romance readers expect to cry, laugh, smile, be mad, anything, they just expect to be moved in some way or anouther.
It was really great for the first time writting romance

NO d@ydre@mer27 thank you, this is my first love short story, i need all the help to improve i can get, THANKS

CaptianRandom wrote:I loved you, I cared for you, I died for you.
You weren’t sure, you were confused, you hated yourself for missing the chance.

It all started one day at school, it was a new semester and we got new timetables. As I was doing my work there was a knock at the door, I looked to see who it was out of common I don't think commom is necessary, I kind of just assume that already. curiosity, I wanted to see who it was, it was you and your friends, you are in my class and I am nervous now. Maybe try ''Iam feeling nervous now'' I don’t really talk to you, you're one the ‘popular’ kids, too cool to talk to me, and you sat behind me. If she's one of the cool kids wouldn't she be sitting ahead of you? Isn't that just kind of the way it usually goes? As the lesson goes by you and your friends talk and I listen, I know I shouldn’t but I did. You drop your pen and asked if I could pick it up for you, you called my name and I gave it to you without eye contact and you say thanks.

Weeks go on and I try to talk to you, but I loss Try lose. my courage. Every night before I sleep I think of us being together, every chance I get to wish for something it’s always “I wish we could be together”, but it never happens.

I make poems for you, but never give them to you, I always think of plans to express my emotions, but I just cower. I don't like cower I don't think it fits, maybe try ''But I just can't get up the courage.'' instead?
There are rumours in the school about a year 12 that got treated really badly by some year 9’s and started doing drugs, but that’s just a rumour.

There are days where I see you looking at me, I look back at you, but you look away. I know there are feelings of us inside you This doesn't sound right, ''I know you have feelings for me just as I have for you''; I just wish we could express them.

I turn up to school one day and go to P.E theory. You ask if you can go get a drink and so do I. We walk to the drink taps in silence, and then I try to break the silence. “So did you hear the rumour about that year 12 that got treated badly by some year 9’s then went on drugs?”
“Yes, I don’t think it’s real though, I just think it’s a rumour”
“So do I”.
As we walk back to class in silence again we hear foot steps in the quadrangle. We turn around and there is a year 12 boy standing five meters away from us with a gun in this right hand and some drugs in his left.
“It’s true” you scream. Period“Don’t say anything” I whisper. Period “It’s because of you stupid year 9’s that I’ve become like this, depressed, It would make more sense to say ''depressed like this'' instead. Eliminate some of the commas. I can’t take it anymore.”Period“We didn’t do anything to you” I say. Period“No, no you didn’t, but it was others of your kind” he says to us. Period“Were human just like you” you say. Period“Yes well I'm gona gonna teach you PESTS a lesson”. PeriodThe drugged boy lifts his gun and points it to you. Teachers and students run out to see what all the commotion is.
“Nathan you don’t need to do this” one of the teachers yells to the drugged boy.
“Yes I do, these year 9’s have screwed with my life for the last time”.
The gun and drugged boy are still five meters away from us, as you go to move he pulls the trigger I act instantaneously and I jump in front of you and save your life, but the bullet goes right into my heart and I fall to the ground, but you catch me and my wish comes true. This sentence is really running on and there are too many buts in it. '' The gun and the drugged boy behind it are still five meters away, yet as you go to move he pulls the trigger. I act instantaneously and jump in front of you, saving your life. But the bullet goes right into my heart and I find my wish coming true for as I fall to the ground you catch me in your arms.'' Break it up a little, it will be much easier to read. Teachers run and grab Nathan, the drugged boy I already know who Nathan is. and ''while'' would be better, you have too many ''ands''. others help you and call the ambulance. As I lay here looking at you I say something.
“I want you to look at something”. Period“What?” you ask. Period“I want you to go on a website called YWS, the young writers society, and go into a user called CaptianRandom, and in the profile I want you to read the poems in there.” I say. PeriodAnd at that moment I die, still looking into your eyes, and you start to cry.

You go home and think of me, you go on the computer and think of me, you go on YWS and you think of me, you find my user and think of me, you read my poems and you cry. You make a user yourself and write poems back about me.

You regret not trying to talk to me, you regret not trying to start a conversation with me, you regret not trying to start a relationship with me.

Even though I am long gone from this world I still love you and I regret not trying to do those things with you. But you love me now, because I died for you.