the jeans rub on my leg, generating unwanted heat on this cold day.
i sip my coffee, thinking of you, thinking of
that time
you said 'i love you' at the park.
here i am missing
you
while tears fall
on my tater tots.
no, Dunkin Donuts worker, I'm okay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I like her this poem is immediately different from other things I have read. I thought the title was very clever and original. I like how it is serious but also maybe even humorous (I hope it's okay for me to say that) and surprisingly I will admit it is relatable because of its casualness.
Sorry if this review is a but rubbish, I just felt I had to say something for your good poem.
Hello, CapitalMonday.
Why is the heat not wanted? It's cold outside. I don't think that you are connecting the idea of "rash" strongly enough to the jeans here. While I have had heat rash, and I have had sunburn (which is a type of rash, I suppose), I don't think that the rash itself generates heat. Unless it's some kind of weird rash. You should get that looked at. Anyhoo, I would make sure that you mention the actual rash in the poem, or at least more rash-like symptoms than just heat.Okay so I love the title. I love the idea that something itchy and abrasive can make someone think of someone. Perhaps the person is itchy and abrasive, too?
I do not understand your use of squigglies in the title. It actually changes the tone of the title, making it less serious. I would advise leaving these out, as the poem seems a lot different than the title of the poem in this way.
This line break doesn't sing. It chokes. I understand that the narrator is very upset and is crying, which can involve choking, this doesn't work very well here. I don't mind the repetition of thinking, and I think that you did make a good decision in keeping the second "thinking" on the same line. However, "of" should go with its friends on the next line. In fact, I think you could mess around with the line breaks in this section as a whole. Just remember to end your lines on strong words, not little weak words like "and," "but," "if," "of," or "or."
Now, if I were you, I would probably break the lines in this section as are shown in the spoiler below.
Spoiler
I love the break here. It creates this great paradox at first before you get to the next line. "here, I am missing." But how can you be missing if you are here? If part of you is missing: the other person. It makes this whole other layer. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it was good.
Dunkin' Donuts serves doesn't serve tater tots.
Altogether, I enjoyed reading this. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
:3 Jen, the Overlord of Tildes, approves of your tilde-using notions~~~~~
*whispers* I enjoyed your poem, by the way, I'll probably come back and review it someday... somedaaaay....
Hello!! Bam here to do an Review! Ok, sorta in a rush cause i do not have long, so I am sorry for any misspellings or if i don't make since. Just comment and ask me to explain whatever you confused on .
ok, so first things first your poem is interesting. Its different than what most poets write. Which is what i find unquiet about this and why i'm reviewing it!!
This is sorta confusing, witch i like. i see why you put this in realistic, because realistic stuff like this happens. May not be while eating tater tots but it ya it does. only other thing is capitalizing letters. Besides that everything looks great.