Kisses warmer than a fire on christmas day
but words as cold as the snow outside.
Hugs as soft as pillows,
but hits stronger than the bed stand.
You bring happiness in truck loads,
but sadness in boatloads.
Love as wide as the ocean,
but more anger than a thousand traffic jams.
For all the good,
there's just as much bad,
You have me just as confused as The Clash,
but just as in love as Romeo.
Your are a Drug
and you hurt like the side effects.
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hey there Canvas! cleverclogs here to review!
This was a pretty good poem. I enjoyed how you juxtaposed the good and the bad in the relationship, using different metaphors each time. A few suggestions:
"Christmas" needs to be capitalized, and there should be a comma at the end of this line.
The use of "hits" in this line as a noun was a little weird- not wrong, just weird. Maybe try something like "blows"?
Before these lines, I was going along enjoying the metaphors of winter and beds, but then you kinda messed it up. Truck loads and boatloads are rather arbitrary, so these lines didn't have as much of an impact on me. Maybe rethink this metaphor?
The same goes for these lines. The ocean and traffic jams are kind of weird things to compare, so the impact is lost. Love and anger also don't quite line up- maybe try tenderness and anger? This is another metaphor you should take a look at.
I feel like "the Clash" is a reference to something I'm unfamiliar with. Maybe you could explain, or use something else? I normally dislike the use of Romeo and Juliet as "the model of love", since anyone who's ever read the play knows that it was NOT a good example of love, but it didn't really bother me in this poem. That's probably because this poem is talking about a very unhealthy type of love- just like Romeo and Juliet's.
1. "Your" should be "you".
2. Is there any particular reason "drug" is capitalized? I don't think it adds anything to the poem.
Also, I feel like this poem might be romanticizing abusive relationships. I'm not sure that there's anything you can do about that without changing the whole poem, so I'll just recommend to be careful with that when writing poems of a serious nature like this. 7
Overall, this poem made use of some really good imagery in metaphors. I liked the last two lines- it was an excellent tie-in to the title, and a great way to end the poem. Nice job! I think that a couple of the metaphors could use some work, but other than that, you've done really well. Hope this helped, and keep up the good work!
Hey! EverWinter here for a review!
I really like this duel of words going on. You show the pros, then the cons. For my first suggestion to you, I would say, change "Christmas day" (Always capitalized!) to "winter's night" because it just sounds natural. Fires aren't more pleasant on Christmas, but during winter and in the night.
Next, switch "For all the good, there's just as much bad," with "You have me just as confused as The Clash, but just as in love as Romeo." It's a less confusing order because that line is more of a clincher, it wraps up the poem.
I don't really understand what you mean by "harder than a bed stand," unless you mean how when you hit your hit against one, you feel like you just got shot. I would suggest changing it to something notoriously hard, like a rock or ice.
I really enjoyed your poem, because it had a nice flow (except for those few things) and it shows what happens in the shadow of this dysfunctional relationship.
Have a great day,
Ever