I’ve always thought things would get better
That someone will notice my pain and help me
But sometimes we expect too much of people
Even if they may be our friends or family
I’m trying to change
With a sword at every turn
Mean comments mean actions
I’ve felt them all
Many times I thought escaping was the way
I’ve given up on everything else
Until I broke the cage
Everyone built for me
I blame my past and I blame my present
But my future doesn’t have to suffer because of my story
Never have I felt better in my life than when the barriers around me broke
And I was free to feel the world
I hid from myself for years
Expecting to always live like this and that I would be granted a short life
But my heart unfroze
Now I want more
I no longer want my past to chain me
For actions I was not responsible and couldn’t control
No longer am I letting silly feelings rule my life
Once I take this step there is no turning back
Because there won’t be a cage to go to
I may not know who I am
I may not have the answers
And I may not be perfect for everyone
I just want to be perfect for me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, Camz! Lupa here for a review!
Let's begin...
Good job on your poem, welcome to the site, and keep writing!
1) "I’m trying to change
With a sword at every turn"
You don't make the meaning of these two lines very clear with the reader. How does one change with a sword? Please elaborate more on that part.
2) You have no punctuation until the end, which I think really messes up your flow. If you were to read your poem out loud, I think you'd run out of breath. Add in some pauses to give your reader time to breathe.
3) I like the idea of breaking free, but this isn't a very poetic poem. Basically, you're dumping your emotions and life story on your readers, which as I said isn't the best material for poetry. Give this something deeper to work with, not just a rant.
4) This is a small nitpick that probably doesn't matter much, but it bothers me anyway. You have this one line here:
"No longer am I letting silly feelings rule my life"
Silly isn't the best adjective to use to describe feelings. They can be pretty powerful things. You can say "unwanted" or "imprisoning," but not "silly."
Overall, the idea of your poem was pretty good, but how you build on that idea give your poem its value. I hope I didn't come across as harsh or mean (because I didn't intend to at all) and if I did, please PM me to let me know.
XOX,
Lupa22
Hey Camz!
I am here for a quick review!
I am getting the feel that this poem reflects your own emotions. My first reading of the poem itself told me that it is your emotions put into words; that you have actually experienced what this poem speaks of. That is, according to me, a very good sign of a poet; to be able to convey your emotions.
When I started reading the poem, I thought it was in stanzas of four lines. But that is not the case (in the beginning you tried to do that, but towards the end it has become a bit clumsy). The poem, I feel, kind of lacks flow. You have to take care that the poem does not throw the reader off track.
Another thing is the length of the lines. It is too varying. I think you can work on it and make the lengths a bit similar. Give it a better structure.
But overall good effort. Keep composing more and more poems. With time, I think, we tend to get even better.
Also, can you tell me how connect the title with poem? I am a bit lost on that. You say 'Life turns'. What do you mean by that?
Thanks and have a happy new year too!