The Program

Note: The characters I am using in this random scene are just names I had to assign characters not yet fully formed. This entire idea is not fully formed. My brain works this way, by making scenes, not outlines of plot or character defintions. 

Scene 1

And then MIcheal felt it. In his guts, in his eyes, in his breath, everypart of him dawned in complete and total understanding.  

"I am who I am" He whispered the words at first, afraid that it was just a misktake, but it was not. They hung in the air in front of his face; a fact, and undenable truth, the expresison of his soul. " I am who I am!" Louder, more zeal in his voice, a passion that had laid dormant over countless years. 

Rachel could see a warm, golden glow rising in his left membrane.  It was the single, most beautiful Awakening she had ever seen, finally Micheal was coming to terms with himself, finally he could use his Gift. 

The Coven looked cautious now, even the ones devouring what was left of Frank left their malicious gorging and looked at the scrawny teenager who dared to stand up to them. 

Micheal felt all the supressed anger, all the pain which he absorbed and the self-hatred that had fermented in his mind merely become fuel for his one, crazy idea. The tsunami of emotion surged from his consiousness and was funneled into words by the Program implemented in his mind so very long ago. Poems, Speeches, Short Stories, were all written, edited and organized at lightning fast speeds in his head, draining the seemingly endless bank of inspiration he had suddenly tapped into. He met the eyes of one of the closest of the Coven and looked it in the eyes. He saw past the razor-sharp fangs and brittle, haunting face, he even saw past the rage burning it it's eyes. All he saw was a bully, and he was sick of bullies. 

"Anyone you can't appreciate uniqueness and diversity in a person is worthy of my pity, I'm not worthy of their's!" He took all the insults and despise he had been given and released it through his voice instead of with his fists. His Program activated the Craft, and the speech he had written with his new inspiration flared up in his eyes, resonating with power. The words cut through the air and stayed there, a tattoo on the subconsious field of existence. "If I'm just being myself, I do not have to put up with being unaccepted," this was it, he could feel his Gift pounding in his head, he could feel his Program preparing to unleash a Work, "because I am who I am, and noone can change that!" 

His voice was amplified unnaturally, besieging every single one of the hundreds of the Coven with it's powerful message. The Craft sprung to life with an ear-drum popping clap, and a eye-scarringly bright flash. From Micheal's chest a fountain of golden energy erupted, consuming the couple closest of the Coven with a horde of motes of pure light. It expanded, raging against the Coven's myriads. Beasts snarled and swiped at the growing cloud with their claws, but were easily consumed by Micheal's Craft. The more powerful of the Viruses activated Vaccum Crafts, draining the shining particles out of the air. 

Rachel saw Micheal's vibrant Particle Craft drain the surge of power that accomapnies every Awakening, and realized that as soon as that surge ran out, the Coven would destroy them. She needed change the input of the Awakening's power into somesort of defensive or travel Craft. Even the greatest of Awakenings lasted but a minute, and time was running out. 

Possesed with drive for survival, Rachel pried herself from the rubble where she had been thrown and sprinted to Micheal's body, rushing through the dwindling cloud of light. She tackled him with all she had, and then plabnted her lips onto his. The Particle Craft instantaneously died, Micheal's mind reeling with shock and confusion, and then an intoxicating lust. Rachel broke apart for just a moment, to whisper in MIcheal's ear a short simple phrase. "Take me home, Micheal" 

The last of the Awakening's power contracted into a single Craft, and then suddenly, both found themselves entwined on the floor of the Boy's Dorm. 

Scene 2 

"You are hopeless!" pleaded an exasperated Rachel. 

"I'm sorry! It's just too confusing, why do I bother learning how it works when I can just do it anyway?" 

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Because I said too, and you need to know at least something about how you do things if you ever want to graduate. From the top: some select few people have enough creativity in literatureand speaking or comprehension in science and math at that it becomes a Gift with a capital 'g'.  The Gift lies dormant within these people, and they only use a little of it's potential to become the greatest authors and scientests of all time. Until we developed the Program. It's basically a really complex machine that we install in the brians of people with the Gift, and it acts as an organizer and editor of writing that uploads instantaneously to the Program's nerurally linked Network, or as a calculator and analyser of scientific information. For a while, it worked out great; there was this intangible and potentially infinite database in which the greatest experiments and works of literatrue were accumulated and shared nigh on instantaneously"

"Then, if that's all the Program is, how the hell do all the people here have superpowers?" 

"I'm getting to that! Basically, all that comprehension or creativity builds up within a person, and then the Program funnels and defines it in the Network. Then,  for reasons still unknown, the Network began to become tangiable, and a person's creativity or scientific skills began to have physical effects on the world. The Program  still functioned the same way, analysing, calculating, organising and editing, but the Network began to form what we call Crafts. There are a potentially infinite number of Crafts, each with a different multitude of ways to activate them. Take our friend Frank here for example. His Program looks around and takes visual samples of the surrounding area, finding all the scientific data available, then it calculates averages and rounds decimals and does equations at literally fast as lightning. The Program gives Frank an insight into his surroundings that normal people can never acheive, and with this advanced comprehension of things, he can manipulate them. His specialty is the Gravity Craft, in which through touch he is able to redistribute the effects of gravity on practically anything. He cah cut off an enemy's gravity, so that it floats helplessly until Micheal lets go, or he can increase the pull of gravity so hard that an enemy's guts begin to compact and collapse from the pressure. His final skill is basically just giving small objects incredible amounts of mass, and thus incredible pulls of gravity. It can be quite entertaining to see a pencil weighing almost as much as a planet suspending enemies in this battle between two gravities" 

"Then how come mine doesn't do that? My Program only makes poems and stuff" 

"That's the second part of the Program, creativity-based Crafts. It's basically the same concept, except instead of manipulating the phyiscal and chemical proerties of substances around them, creativity-based Crafts draw on a person's passion and inspiration almost as a tool, creating basically physical embodiments of emotions. Each creativtity Craft is spawned from a single or mix of emotions, and is funneled from raw passion into literature by the Program"

"Then what's the deal with Micheal? He's supposed to be creativty-based but he can't do any Crafts" 

"Unfortunately, Programs require a tremendous amount of effort to activate, each Gift has to be found within by each of the Programmed, and when it is we call it an Awakening. It is a deeply personal and sacred moment, in which all the energy that has been bulding up in their life pre-Program is released in a minute-long surge of power, one that many Programmed are unable to reach ever again" 

"So Micheal just hasn't had his Awakening yet?" 

"Nope. Poor lil' fella" 

(Will post more soon- got to get on with Homework) 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Butterfly18
Review

Hello,

Firstly, I really liked the concept of this piece, and I know its not a fully formed idea yet so I had that in mind as I read.

This part,


And then MIcheal felt it. In his guts, in his eyes, in his breath, everypart of him dawned in complete and total understanding.

"I am who I am" He whispered the words at first, afraid that it was just a misktake, but it was not. They hung in the air in front of his face; a fact, and undenable truth, the expresison of his soul. " I am who I am!" Louder, more zeal in his voice, a passion that had laid dormant over countless years.

Rachel could see a warm, golden glow rising in his left membrane. It was the single, most beautiful Awakening she had ever seen, finally Micheal was coming to terms with himself, finally he could use his Gift.


I think is really good. Not perfect obviously, it could use tweaking. Everything can always use tweaking in my opinion, but it grabbed me, kept my attention, intrigued me.

The second I started reading what followed, you lost me.
You've identified two characters, which is great for interaction but then you add, 'The Coven' which I think is too much at once.

Other than that, I see a lot of grammatical errors of punctuation and also the use of a conjunction as a sentence started, as here:

And then MIcheal felt it.

Other than that, I really liked this piece. You should keep the beginning as is, its good so far. Everything else needs some work.

This is all my opinion, and I know this isn't fully formed as of yet. I hope this is helpful in some way though. :)

User avatar
AlfredSymon
Review

Hello Camulaeus! Alfred here for a Point Out! For more information on my critiques, check out my clinic; the link is within my signature below. Hey, I know you haven't finished the piece yet, but I think I should point these out now.

CAPITALIZATION NATION
Capitalization is a very important part of English. Writing a capitalized letter symbolizes its importance and its uniqueness; maybe in a name like Michael. Now, you see, you had MIchael, which I think is a regular typo. But still, you have to be extra careful with capitalization!

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS
You see, when a reader finds a long paragraph filled with words, they would hesitate to read it. It's in the length, see. I DO see that your fifth paragraph of your second scene is a bit long. I don't advise you to reduce the length, rather divide it into shorter paragraphs so that the readers will not be overwhelmed by all the letters! And yes, dialogue CAN be divided into 2 or more paragraphs.

PROCESSING...
I do notice a lot of typographical errors in this piece. You are a great writer, don't let people see that you have simple mistakes within your pieces. I advise you to use a word processor in typing, like MS Word. It will not only help you check spelling and capitalization mistakes but also some grammatical errors. Using the copy+paste technique will be useful when you have a processor, too.

IMAGES!
Try adding more description to the situation the characters got into, and also the settings and characters themselves, too. This will not add only to the creativity presented, but also the imagery the readers perceive when they read the works.

Hey, I really love the first part of your story. The story is coming good, but the good parts, I'm sure, are not there, but on the rest that you will write. Just make sure to try your best and everything will come your way!

Your Quick Critic,
Al



It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming