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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Camihall,
I know you wrote this like, 3 years ago. But, it's a great poem. Only thing is, My broken heart seemed to repeat too much. I think it needs to be a bit more lengthy. Like, you're saying your heart was small, cold, broken, fixed then cured. It just seems too fast. Maybe you could have put maybe, how it was cured. I don't know. It seemed too different. If that makes any sense, then I've done my job. If not, sorry for wasting your time.
Overall, good job. It was realistic. Keep writing!
-FCS
Hi there..
So interesting piece.. I understand what type of thing you were going for.. simple, concise, in short, well short.
However, there isn't enough. It needs to be longer. Sorry. :c
There isn't enough here. You need more emotional break, you need more reason, you need more transition..
you can maintain your repetition if your emotionally attached to it, but it needs to be lengthened. The redundancy I was going to talk about has already been addressed, so I'll give you a break.
I would also try broadening your word choice.. it's kind of bland as is.
Overall though, nice concept. I definitely think it could be added onto though.
-Coral-
Interesting... I like the format of this poem. It's cool.
As Margaret Louise said, it should be longer. This piece seems like a poem in progress. It definately needs more work.
Also as Margaret Louise mentioned, "My broken heart is broke" is redundant. What does a broken heart feel like? What does it looks like? Sound like? Smell like (That one would be a little odd)? Use your five senses to describe and add detail. That'll also help the poem's length.
First off, welcome to YWS! Now, let's get reviewing. I liked the repetition and overall tone of this poem, but it could be longer and more detailed. You switch so abruptly from having a "broken heart" to having a "fixed" broken heart without anything happening to repair the damage. Also, the line that says "My broken heart is broke" is redundant, and it should also read "My broken heart is broken" for it to be grammatically correct. You've got something great going here, so expand on it! This is a great opportunity to take some raw emotion (because there's definitely a lot of it seething just below the surface of this work) and channel into something great.
Keep writing!