down the railroad tracks C1

by Cameron
  • September 24, 2006
  • Novel / Chapter

*removed*

Comments & reviews · 5
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Myth
Review
Myth wrote a review · Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:36 am

Green = Comment/Corrections
Black = Review

*

‘We don’t like to admit it, but we are trapped by it,’ he thought.


Try keeping thought in italics.

He remembered how his father leaned back from the driver’s seat towards him, and how he had said,
“If there was ever a place to hide a body this would be it.” Then he had winked.


A new paragraph for when the father spoke.

Either way, he felt compelled onwards; edged on towards—a street sign.


The dash in there is not required.

It was almost fall, but you wouldn’t have known but for the cold nights, the trees themselves never change.


change should be changed.

“Hey there Daina,” his voice sounding strained even to his own ears.


sounding should be sounded.

You should consider changing the format of the sentences like Claudette suggested. It does get confusing to read, there is too much to take in at a time.

How is it that Daina knew he was there? Had he done this before for her to be on alert?

User avatar
Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review · Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:57 pm

‘We don’t like to admit it, but we are trapped by it[comma]’ he thought, glancing over at it, as it seemed to creep forward, furthering its attempts to overwhelm everything that existed outside of it.
I also think you should make this two sentences. After 'thought' finish it and maybe start with 'he glanced over at it....'

He remembers the first time his family passed through this town, not yet understanding the relevancy of that trip, not knowing that all roads ended there
Oh wow. You just rolled over the tenses. Pass, present, and future I believe. Try to keep consistent.

A car sped by, spraying him with frigid water, and he cursed aloud.
no comma after water, the and is the comma
He recognized it, the name, as well as the relevancy that was imprinted in his mind like a brand.
Using the word 'relevancy' in such a way really upsets my stomach. I don't think it fits.

But instead he began to run down her street not allowing his resolve occasion to falter, his desire beginning to surface, overwhelming him, just as the tears—that he attributed to the wind—burned at the corners of his eyes.
this sentence is a long one and should really be cut up. And it gets confusing, right at the word 'occasion'

The light from the streetlights beckoned to him and each time he passed through the abrupt transition of light to dark he would once again strive forward, the darkness so impenetrable that he could not physically differentiate himself from it.
remove 'light from the' and, again, this sentence is way too long. You're being wordy and its only confusing me. I guess you're trying to create, voice, maybe? Either way, these long sentences don't flow as far as I can tell.


This suffering was his, and in suffering he was bound to her and felt that in some way she was to him also.
Was bound to him also.

He shivered, and just as his resolve threatened to crumble, a dormant confidence arose from his core, inspired by the knowledge that there were greater things at work here.
He shivered and his resolve threatened to crumble [period] Just then, A dormant confidence arose from his core that was inspired by the knowledge that there were greater things at work here~~~ see, its shorter, but says the exact same thing, and I only changed a word or two.

his voice strained even to his own ears.
His voice was strained, or it sounded strained? Which one?

He felt tempted to ask her to moan for him, but he resisted, knowing how inappropriate that would sound.
no comma after him

overwhelming brighter in contrast to the other lights—and for the briefest of seconds he remembered.
I think you meant 'overwhelmingly' but either way, remove it I think.

It was good, my only question though: What age is are narrator? It makes me assume that he is a teenager because the girl suggests that his parents come pick him up. or is something wrong with him? If so, we should know by now. I liked it, the plot was good, but you use really long sentences and big words, which both can be confusing.[/quote]

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Cameron
Comment
Cameron commented · Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:32 pm

That would probably be a better way of describing her wouldn't it. Thanks, for the suggestion, I'll get started on that. :) Cheers,

Cameron

User avatar
Ohio Impromptu
Review
Ohio Impromptu wrote a review · Sun Sep 24, 2006 12:20 pm

This is a nice opening you have here. I like the description, but moreso I like the fact that you weren't just describing events, you described with nice detail what they meant - something a lot of people have forgotten how to do.

The only thing that disagreed with me was when you described Daina. It is perfectly fine to say the things you did, but I think that when Sawyer feels as passionately as he does about her, you should use more passionate words to describe her. Talk about her curves, her wonderful shape, I don't know, just make it vivid. This guy is obsessed, make the reader feel that way too. :wink:

...or totally disregard my advice,

Anyway, great job with this and I look forward to seeing the continuation. Well done.



If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman