Published February 3, 2007
War is the
systematic slaughter of
the innocent,.....tied and bound
under what is considered......sometimes as
mass genocide,......politicians wage wars,
so do......tyrants command armies to wars
......in courtrooms heated arguments leading to
corruptness......on the battlefield
shells fall......like rain over a wasteland [battlefield]
in which people die......not uncommonly
in the carnage of......mass weapons
wiping out nations in conquest......of
political viewpoints.......War, where
racism is an issue......but......not so much as
religion and/or......an opinion may
very well cost you...... your life......is given
......under false pretences...... are considered truth.
Advancements in technology to aid in
......world conquest......sooner or later
someone has to win.
child solders......kill effectively, though
standard issue will soon be outdated
can we not spare the children?......save them
from the bombs that are falling......because
the soldier beside you is shot......he is dead, move on
to the next......target is never-ending
this cycle of destruction......sweet oblivion is not
as unattainable......as......we once thought the war to end
all wars had an element of truth......in the mission,
......what is truth?......the soldiers truth is the mission
simple truth that begins with......the purpose of......the order
down through the ranks......however
the act affects more than......those implicated are
......top secret......classified information, for which a synonym
is: a poor excuse......spiralling out of control
in which madness......becomes apparent......dear god
doesn’t wage wars......someone please
someone stop the madness.
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Canary word: Present
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*eye twitches* I'm amazed I got through this. All the tabs and spaces...unnh, I couldn't handle it.
These mostly seemed to be rambling phrases that didn't really...go anywhere. Some of the phrases seemed like they could've been nice, but I had a lot of trouble reading it and my mind couldn't seem to make itself up.
Yes, war does slaughter the innocent. I don't know if that opening phrase is really anything new, but it was successful at drawing me in.
Are you saying that it is excused as or sometimes referred to as mass genocide? Genocides usually result from wars/conflicts. I'm not really sure where you were going with this.
Is battlefield in brackets because you're not sure about it, or is it supposed to be some whispered afterthought like parentheses would suggest?
If you use wasteland, say "in which people die" like you have. If you use battlefield, say "on which."
Another unsure part?
So...yes, very difficult to read and understand. There were just so many disjointed phrases my eye started twitching, it really did. I say, it's a good idea, BUT!
First, for the love of humanity, take out the spaces.
Then, strip out about half of the phrases. I don't really have a preference to which ones; you as the author can decide which ones are more important to whatever you were trying to say. I know you were trying to say, "War is bad and people do evil things for stupid reasons," but I think you could be much more articulate about it. I think that it has a certain quality and tone, being disjointed, almost like many voices or thoughts were all put into a big bingo cage and it exploded all over your computer screen. I think it could keep this quality after being shaved a little bit. I want it to keep this quality. I have seen many poems with this quality that did not make my eye twitch.
Lastly, add punctuation.
Interesting stuff, there.
Colleen