Published December 23, 2006
We are the real:
behind this chain-linked fence
whose clasping fingers
bar our way and sharpened razor wire
cuts the observant sky ethereal.
These yellow, tarnished walls
still glimmer, wet with our finger prints:
we face the facts with faces,
swallowing the truth like nails
condemning us to hang three days late
from steel-barred crosses.
We linger in the hang-ups
on the answering machine,
taking back tomorrow with today,
we know our legs can walk that final mile
and with the magic coursing up our spine
we give ourselves to science
for that final fireworks display.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I agree with the above critique, I enjoyed this poem immensley, it has a real macabre about it which really connected with me.
Soakin' doesnt sound right and it makes the poem seem less powerful., Use soaking.
I like how you juxtapose magic and science. Well done.
Ooh, this poem made me shiver. I like it.
I would stick "and sharpened razor wire" on the next line. Its own line, that's what I mean. Perhaps say "and whose sharpened razor wire", as I assume you're referring to the fence. It's the fence's razor wire?
As for diction...cuts the observant sky ethereal? It makes the sky ethereal? That is a really lovely phrase, but I'm not entirely sure what it means. Does it mean that yes, the sky is observant and it sees all that goes on behind this fence, and when we look at it through the fence it looks really good? It looks heavenly and ethereal?
You could put a comma in between yellow and tarnished. It's a really neat image.
Wetly? That's awkward. You don't have to make it an adverb. You could say "still glimmer, wet with our finger prints". It's a really cool image and, as a slightly obsessive compulsive semi germ freak, I've always thought of fingerprints and places where hands touch to be wet or sticky.
I LOVE the sound of that line "face the facts with faces". The semi-colon should be taken out. A comma works better.
The "soakin'" doesn't go with the tone of the rest of the poem. Just say "soaking". Making "fireworks" possessive isn't necessary. You're currently saying that the display belongs to the fireworks, it is of the fireworks, but "fireworks display" is the commonly used phrase.
The magic-science contrast is cool.
The last stanza didn't seem to go with the first two. I liked them all, but separately. I would suggest creating more of a connection between all of them, especially between the first two and the last one.
Great poem!
Colleen