Published July 12, 2007
Oh Aphrodite
Oh Aphrodite; the star spinning, elusive pursuit, you
who strike eyes like the dew drop sprinkling of light,
the blush of flame that rouses the brush to spark, and excites
the cravings in men’s hearts. You, the soft stroke of sun
that caresses our skin, causing wonder at the measure
of god’s worth; for no sinless lord could envision such
allure with a blameless heart. You my lady dance on the
tautness of the angel’s bow, the quivering arrow that strikes
and when it does, strikes true; so that he who felt your smart
sensed it long before he felt the bite of young cupid’s dart.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I can't find anything else to say that anyone else hasn't suggested so, there isn't anything else I can really say except for that this is most definitely a wonderful poem, very, very beautiful for sure!
Very good. I'd add a comma after "you" in line four. Other than that, I really can't find any serious faults with this. It was beautiful and well developed, and your enjambment was excellent.
I didn't think this was bad at all -- in fact I loved it. The one thing I think you could do is strengthen some of your descriptions, as some are verging on cliché. The "dew drop sprinkling of light" line and the "soft stroke of sun" I think could have a bit more bite to them (the last stanza shows you are quite capable of doing this).
Until next time,
Skye
Ah, it wasn't so bad ^_^ And I do not recognize the last stanza as being from anywhere.
It read beautifully. Really the only complaint I can make is that it was description, and there was no action. Give it some action. It reminds me of the poem I wrote Child. If you wanted to look at that it might help you figure out what you should do though... that poem is a bit risqué. But people had suggested that I add action, so I wrote another ten lines as a sort of "part two" which had action.