Young Writers Society

This poem is, to me, amazingly clever and original. It's absolutely fantastic to get out of this slump of cliches and read something that's actually... different! I love it.

Wow, what scares me so much about this poem is that it reminds me of a relationship I had, which has to be a good sign!

This poem really got me, and it seems like it could be one that your audience could relate to, because I'm sure there are plenty of people who have dealt with the click, the dial tone.

Excellent, I can't say enough about how this one just hit me like a ton of bricks. Keep it up!

"...and you never truly knew the greatness you were"? That transition is awkward. It might work if you just took out the "and" and made it:

In the hush of long distance, I offered up my
bouquet of clumsy words before the final click.

You never truly knew the greatness you were;
never really understood how together our eyes

were the color of the ocean.

I really like that new stanza; put it in!
Colleen

In the hush of long distance, I offered up my
bouquet of clumsy words before the final click, and

I think a lot has been said, and though I haven't read all that has been said, I'm sure it would cover anything I have to say, other than this:

a series of mechanical bleeps and blurbs,
compelled to voice by the prompting of my

awkward urging, coercing your voice into more
than an involuntary response.

Cameron wrote:Cadmium, after some reflection, the eyes reference does seem slightly off-topic, but it was originally meant to symbolize how the "heartbreaker" failed to see how they were perfect for each other; how together their eyes were the color of the ocean (i.e. together they completed each other; created an ultimate beauty.) "You never truly knew the greatness you were" is basically stating that the "heartbreaker" failed to appreciate how much she meant to the narrator. It is abrupt to signify the "hangup on the answering machine", perhaps a tangent in the narrator's final attempt to convey his deeper feelings in light of the already detached heartbreaker.

a series of mechanical bleeps and blurbs,
compelled to voice by the prompting of my

Thanks everyone for the input. I've incorporated some slight revisions, and will probably add more as they occur to me. I think I will leave the format as is, though.

Cadmium, after some reflection, the eyes reference does seem slightly off-topic, but it was originally meant to symbolize how the "heartbreaker" failed to see how they were perfect for each other; how together their eyes were the color of the ocean (i.e. together they completed each other; created an ultimate beauty.) "You never truly knew the greatness you were" is basically stating that the "heartbreaker" failed to appreciate how much she meant to the narrator. It is abrupt to signify the "hangup on the answering machine", perhaps a tangent in the narrator's final attempt to convey his deeper feelings in light of the already detached heartbreaker.

Incandescence, I will work on making it less convoluted and the concepts somewhat more similar. Thanks for your input.

Cameron

a near-brilliant portrait of heartbreak. maybe the phone metaphor could be toned down a notch but i really love and understand what you're saying.

Cameron,


I like the initial metaphor and it works okay as a conceit, but I'd watch throwing in the mosaic on top of the phone imagery: it kind of dilutes the impact in the course of such a short poem. I'd also avoid lines that have too much explication in them, i.e.: You never truly knew the greatness you were. The ending doesn't resonate for me because I'm not sure the poem has earned that level of depth.


Hope this helps,
Brad

Okay, so Colleen got to this before me and basically said the same things I was going to. I love the line breaks as they are -- keep them. She may be right about the word "bleep" being a little too much, but it didn't stick out to me right away, so you may be in the clear.

Regarding the last three lines: hmmm. I think I'd enjoy another "audible" image, instead of the rather abrupt (and out of place) "visual" image. Excuse me if I'm missing something key here, but that's how I feel.

This was absolutely beautiful; thanks for the enjoyable read.

I really like the breaks where they are. In fact, I like this whole poem. It's got tone, feeling, and just sounds gorgeous. Wow.

a series of mechanical bleeps and blurbs,
compelled to voice by the beep of my awkward

I agree with Armadian about the stanzas, but other then that I really enjoyed this. Keep it up!

I enjoyed reading your poem, except all the stanza made it lose some of its rhythm for me. Maybe consider putting it into 2 big stanza's like this.

You were never more than a hang up
on the answering machine; a missed call,
a series of mechanical bleeps and blurbs,
compelled to voice by the beep of my awkward
urging, coercing your voice into more
than an involuntary response.

Though the voice mail stands empty, I managed
to save the residual echo of your words, and later
I pieced them together like an exotic mosaic;
a collection of broken shards that I willed into beauty.
You never truly knew the greatness you were;
never really understood how together our eyes
were the color of the ocean.

Keep Writing!

That was brilliant, the enjambment from the second to third stanza was very nicely done, this piece flowed superbly, excellent!