Published March 13, 2007
Today the sixth of March, the rushing Tiber
staggers ‘cross the rocky mountain groves and
moves towards the somber valley of Casentino.
Artistic talent wielded in his hand, he wrought with
adept flair, yet slaved to reason that in his
art defied and rose above the crumbling
ruins of his time. The light of revelation shed upon
his quaking hand; a man reborn, whose forte chained
his skillful mind to the foothold of the lord.
To the very end of art and life, eyes wandered 'cross
the pillars of the art he bent with gentle elegance, the
truth he sought within the shape of rock. The vessel
of his craft; he forged his soul into the statue’s deadened heart.
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Gosh, see, I really should have put Wikipedia to good use to look that up and not sound like an idiot.
Unfortunately, I don't think the revisions did much for this poem. The wording is still clumsy, and the poem doesn't flow that well, as Brad pointed out. It's at its worst in the second stanza, I think. The last line is also too wordy and too long; not such a great finish, and the "forging the soul" bit is nearly as bad as "breathing life".
Colleen
Hopefully these changes at least help the flow of the poem, and perhaps make it slightly less tedious. Colleen, the sixth of March was the day that Michelangelo was born. It's still a work in progress. Any more suggestions?
Cameron --
I can't help but feel you pulled this from an essay: the language is overwrought with purple descriptions ("Despotic power wielded") and overmodified to such a degree that it ultimately hinders the poem from continuing on.
Reading this felt like walking through tar. Every line became gooier and less appealing than the one before. Poetry is supposed to flow - this, however, clinks and clanks around with an absence of meter and syllabic regulation.
The idea is worth saving, but the language isn't.
Best,
Brad
I would love to critique this and what not, but its already really good, so nice.
Woot! *is an art fan* I have no education in art. I just tend to spend lots of time in galleries during the summer, and it is very enjoyable, and not just because of the air conditioning.
My, Cameron, you do like your semi-colons and commas. One thing that really bothered me about this poem in terms of structure (I do like the three-line stanza structure, though) was that the sentences were all very long. Some variety would make it more interesting and it won't sound so drawn out and babbly.
I think this poem could do with some simpler language, particularly in the second and third stanzas. It's understandable, but difficult to read (especially aloud), a little clumsy.
In the very last line:
"Breathing life" is sort of cliche. Why not something art-specific such as "chiseled"? While "hardened heart" is also cliche, it works here because it belongs to the statue.
I really liked breaking the stanzas right in the middle of the phrase "crumbling ruins" - a rather overused phrase, normally, but the way it was broken was a much better way to do it.
Question: What is the significance of the sixth of March? Is this an important event in Michelangelo's life? (Remember what I said about having no art education?)
Colleen
This is deep but i think i get the meaning. I really liked it and keep writing.
~~*Judi Patootie*~~