Published May 21, 2007
We wish to acquit ourselves of purpose,
and tumble off the verge in teardrops;
cascading over silver waterfalls at the
......................... world’s edge.
The dawn of man
is marked by uncertainty; the foreign god
that kicked up dust and gave it life against
all protest. The primal mind that from its
womb cringed from light and shuddered
at the birth of thought, the development
of self, the concepts of belief that shimmer
.........................like mirages
above understanding.
It is our persistent continuation that terrifies
us, the way our sides heave against all odds,
--how we must breathe or die, how hearts that
stir cannot flounder, and how the self in us
strains unseen hands to touch the alien blue.
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Thanks a bunch Xanthan. Honestly though, my poetry usually does start with an unplanned tangent. I'm glad it came together by the end. I think a change would be good. I made an attempt at a different direction in my last piece, "English Garden". Notice it? Anyways, thanks for the critique.
Cameron
I love your poetry, Cameron, but the beginning of your work is always vague and somewhat whimsical, like this is an unplanned tangent. It isn't, of course, and comes together by the end, but as an impatient reader, I am discouraged with the starting lines. For example, poetry dominanting with a "we" voice and message often involves general humanity, and summarizing all these general points and philosophical purposes in one poem, with one "we" voice, and still maintaining that vague quality ... it's hard to stand by.
You have talent with the use of language. Bring this out - establish yourself. I think you've reached a point where experimenting with subject matters would be good for you: pursue topics that you would not on a regular basis.
I think it's mostly about life in general and as the title suggests the beginning and end of life. Am I anywhere near? As for the poem itself, I found the structure very irregular, especially for a piece that seems to be about time but then I suppose it reflects the uncertainty of life. Hmmm. But that's just me reading meaning into it.
I like the indention of world's end and the imagery of the silvery waterfalls and the similarity of that with the mirages later on.
I think there's some really key ideas and messages hidden within this poem and I certainly agree that humans will never stop striving for things that appear out of reach. That's just a part of human nature.
Overall, it's well written bu I think it needs capitals at the beginning of each line. Good job and keep writing!
I'm not really sure I grasped the meaning of this poem, but I do know, I appreciated the language used in this piece greatly. You had my attention from beginning to end, but like I said, I didn't really understand it in the way that I would have liked to as a reader. Other than that, didn't particularily care for the title, but overall, I think it's a fairly good poem.