Published January 14, 2007
Music stirs on the trembling blades of grass,
a symphony erupts on evening's folded head.
Melodic whispers from the swaying reeds,
drunk on dew that hangs from budding leaves.
Bull frogs are serenading, followed
by the cicadas’ finely tuned violin
We listen in silent reverie, while
comets paint our future ‘cross the sky,
filling us with strange sympathies.
We walk barefoot among thorny thistles
and the wild things that perch
in the immense shadow of man.
The flowers unfold in tinkling laughter
and the creak tugs our minds out from under us.
Together we roll on the floor of the world
and know:
“There is more to us as men”
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I haven't seen it before, so your question to "Better?" isn't likely to be answered by me.
Overall I liked this, tight discriptions and a nice rythem.
That line Colleen suggested you to change, it did sound a bit off at first, you revised it and changed "followed suit" to "join" which I find way to simple for such discriptions which have been given before.
A little suggestion:
Bull frogs serenading, followed
by the cicada's finely tuned violin
Tiny change, but it adds up to all the discriptions. It does change a bit of the meaning you wanted to bring forward though.
The part I disliked most was the ending,
Okay so it might not be that bad, but you started out with these high discriptions and it ends in this "cliched" way. I expected better. Try bringing your concept forward the way you did before.
Other than that, very enjoyable
Cheerios, Chandni
I've incorporated some slight revisions. Better?
good use of imagery, i thought it was excellently done.
sometimes it didn't flow to me. some lines, especially at the start, seemed very long winded. for the topic, yeah, longer lines and sentences work, but sometimes they got a bit too long and boring. id try to limit the syllabel count a little. takes interest away from an otherwise excellent poem
This sentance has no action, and I am not one to critisize fragments in poetry, but using it as a starting phrase isn't exactly catchy.
The word "floor" completely shatters the mood of naturalness that you have said. I'd suggest a different image - one that flows like "cicadas" and "reeds".
A nice piece, I was hoping for a somewhat more revelation-based ending.. Regardless, I appreciated the imagery and tone you set, as the well-constructed basis of words made the fleeting moment encapturing - despite the fact that it was not constructive to a point in itself.
Cadmium may have said these, I didnt read his review.
1) Why the italics a the bottom?? THey add nothing to the poem
2) The imagery was good.
3)
I think it would be better:
"drunk on dew, hanging from budding leaves"
however Im no expert on syllabels etc...
This is good work; I could really connect to it. Everything from "We walk barefoot" on was just great.
When I read these first two lines, I thought two things: 1) That's a fragment, and 2) Does this rhyme? I really expected it to rhyme. It's okay that it didn't, but it was structured like it should have. From "We walk barefoot" on, perhaps from "We listen" on, it seems more like free verse; I really like the tone and feeling of that last half, but before those it's a bit unsteady, unsure.
This is the line I dislike most. The "followed suit" sounds wrong. "Serenade" or "serenading" is a word that is often used to describe the sounds of creatures at dusk.
The italics at the end are not necessary, but they're okay as they are. Excellent work! Those last eight lines really just spoon-fed my soul.
Colleen