Becoming the Rain

I liked this.The first two lines were great, especially "pale house". You have some very interesting images here, such as "velvet dagger droplets slashing the thirsty ground", which was really interesting.
I think some of your tenses and the likes are a little off. Grammatically, some sentences aren't quite right. I'd try reading it aloud, so you can get a better sense of it. E.g. lines three to five don't really sound like a sentence in their own right, but that can be fixed with just a little tweak. If you're unsure, imagine walking into a room and saying just one of your sentences. If the people in your imagination are looking back at you and going "Huh?" you may need to rethink it. E.g, you could walk in and say the first two lines, and, while it may be a little random, it would make perfect sense. I'm sorry, I'm not being very coherent...
Overall, this flowed beautifully and your imagery was skillful and vivid. It needs a little tweaking and polishing, but was very enjoyable none the less, and amazing given that you're new at this. Hope this helps.

I agree with what has been said and advised to you about punctuation and grammar. And I agree with Claudette about the falling sensation.

The thing I like most about this piece is the imagery.

Velvet dagger droplets
black clouds that hide the moon,
Flowing over the pavement into the gutter
penetrate every unseen corner,

This isn't bad!

I think I'd want more, more meaning behind it, etc, but the way it was written I felt like I was falling--which is good.

Keep it up! Maybe read over it and look at your word choice, and try to make it as best as you possibly can.

Wow! For a first time poet, this is very good! Can't wait to see you improve...that will be astounding!

-Evang.

Not bad for a first post - mine was undoubtedly worse than this.

I liked the concept but think you should work on structure and punctuation; I've just pointed out the simple things and haven;t gone into much detail, as it seems most points have been clarified and such.

Keep writing though ^^

Thanks for the comments. I edited it and put some punctuation in it like you suggested.

i really like it. there are a couple of parts that are a little hard to understand, but just a couple. overall, it is really fantastic. it feels as though a huge story could be hidden behind those lines. wow. great job!

Okay, the content of the poem is good - you just need to work on the punctuation. The poem reads like a solid block at the moment if there were commas and full stops in there it would be easier to discern what is happening.

lies sealing the air from my lungs

and become the rain
little velvet dagger droplets
inside they hold a power

I would penetrate every unseen corner
peirce the grime and rip it away
the masks shredded

flowing over the pavement into the gutter
until there is nothing left
except the truth