Published October 27, 2005
I can't believe my eyes,
Have i decieved my own self once again in believing i know what's best for me.
How can all fot his be true,
You told me all of this would happen,
But i foolishly just dismissed all that you had said.
Now all that i have is a feeling of regret that just won't go away.
No matter how hard i try to forget i just can't forget,
Now that it's embedded in my mind.
It's just like a scar,
A scar that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Oh why won't this all just go away.
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*Note* this is a song in the works but i would just like ya'll's opion on it and suggestions as to where i should go with it now.
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Hey thanks a lot i'll keep all that you said in mind.
You should post it in the Lyrics forum eventually, but I think this is a fine place for it until it looks like it has a songlike structure (with a chorus, verses, etc.)
This line definitely needs to be split, probably at "again". And the "once" isn't really necessary, but I suppose if it fits with the tune of your song, that's okay.
I believe you meant "of this".
The "i" should be capitalized, but that's pretty minor. "foolishly just dismissed" seems pretty wordy to me. Either "just dismissed" or "foolishly dismissed" all that you had said. I would go with the former because the reader/listener should be able to understand that you were foolish from what you say in the rest of the text.
The repetition in the first line makes it sound really chunky IMO. I would write it "No matter how hard I try/I just can't forget/Now that's it's embedded in my mind."
Overall I think you have a good framework for a song. Now get specific. If you want to use metaphors rather than full details, that's fine, but avoid cliches. Also make sure you have a good chorus because that's what people remember the most. Keep writing!
I'm sorry i don't mean that this is a song i mean it is a poem a dramatic one that's why i posted it here. Thanks for the fb i guess.
Actually, you should probably post this in the lyrics forum, down by the art section.