You are the Flame,
I am the Shadow.
When you appear.
You give joy
With your radiating light,
It pulses throughout,
making me complete and whole.
When you disappear.
I am hollow and empty,
dark and desolate.
I hunger and crave for
your glorious light.
To make me whole again.
I am alone
engulfed by my shadow.
The darkness consumes me.
Yet your bright ember,
still glows brightly and invitingly.
When we are seperate,
we are two different entities.
When we are together,
we become one.
As the light stands witness.
Even when you leave,
your flame lingers.
It scorches itself into my memory.
So I no longer am desolate,
In your absence.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Alright, so, Let me just start it by pulling ut my favorite stanzas
There is where the flow was the best, emotion was high.
I feel like the rest of the piece just didn't live up.
The varying stanza length ruined the rest of the flow.
The emotion was kept, though, and I liked that
~WickedWonder
Hey, Isha here to review.
The first thing I want to say about this poem is that it's not bad, but it's not incredible, either. It has some fresh imagery, but it seems a bit cliche in some parts, as well.
I'll start by showing you my favourite stanza, one that actually provoked a bit of thought:
The second line and the last line have to be my favourite. This stanza made me think about how you couldn't technically have one without the other. Good work with this one.
Now, on to the not-so-good part here. There were quite a few lines I found a bit... cliché. For example:
This stanza, I found to be dry and boring. The light disappears, you feel empty, you want it back and you'll be whole again. It's an overused story that I've read a few too many times, you know? The lines here just don't have much volume anymore. Try thinking up some fresher imagery than 'hollow and empty' and 'dark and desolate.' (I know this sounds like cheating, but a thesaurus helps me if I'm really stuck.
But anyways, this poem really does have potential, it just needs a bit more work.
Hope I helped.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, this piece is one of those ones that tries to be original, but when given the chance it fails, you are talking about relationship, but it's in such a bland way, no one cares. You essentially just go on and on about how they make you feel, but never truly address it, you basically tell us everything but never really show. Sure the person this is intended for will think it's a romantic, but you posted it on here so I have to say it doesn't achieve bringing forth my Hopeless Romantic.
Let me explain, you devour the poem into cliches with more cliches and worse still you kick us out by making it tell us everything, no sufficient imagery to hook us, and no strong ideas to convey this. At best this is a blatant attempt to sound romantic and get brownie points. At worse it's generic, dull, boring and exceedingly annoying. Why? Because it's apparent you actually tried to sound sweet, but sweet doesn't cut it in my opinion. If you want to write a love poem with no amount of redeeming features then keep it for the person you wrote it for. They''ll love it, they'll love that you wrote about them in such a way.
Overall: I don't wanna be mean, but this was a mistake to post this here. You should have kept it for the person you wrote it for. You shouldn't have posted on here, as I feel sorta bad for doing this, but you posted it here, so anything that stands out and needs reviewed I don't hold back. My advice if you really wanna make this amazing, read some of classic love poetry, better yet write this from your heart, maybe you did, but try imagine yourself not just as writer, but reader, and put yourself in their shoes. It may be once you've done that, you will realize what I mean.
Hope this helps.