Well, I like how it is now.... I know some of you didn't, but I write things for myself not for other people.
Today is one of those days
When snow and rain mix,
So that there is neither.
When you curl up with a fluffy blanket
In your over stuffed chair,
A cup of steamy tea at your side
And a plate with cinnamon toast.
When you stare at the fire,
Soaking up the warmth.
You write a pointless poem about yourself,
Doing nothing on a sunless day.
Today is one of those days.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Thanks, but I wrote this a long time O.K.
A. S.
This is lovely. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. It's really cute and full of great imagery.
Also, I agree with you. Write for yourself, never for your critics.
This poem kind of blew me away. It was very descriptive and made me feel like I was there writing the poem. It is cute, and one of those poems I would most likely not even think about writing. I love the simplicity and the reality of it.
I do have one thing to kind of nit pick at. In most of your poem, you used punctuation correctly, and then it was like you just forgot about it. It just kind of threw me off the path your poem was trying to lead me on. I also think it kind of took the wonderful balance your poem had in the beginning off.
That is all, I have in mind for your poem. It was wonderful, besides that one thing I mentioned earlier. Hope I helped.
-Morgan(:
This reminds me of something I would write. I kind of assumed that you wrote this, on a day like this, and the pointless poem you were talking about was this finished product. Correct me if I'm wrong. xD
I see you edited out some "Today was one of those days" lines as Kyll suggested. To be honest, I think you still have one too many. For such a short poem, it still is too much. Really it's because those lines don't say much. The rest of the poem says what "one of those days" is; "today was one of those days" doesn't really tell us anything. What might work is if, for the last line, you found a different way of saying it.
Small picky thing: not sure why you capitalized "Cinnamon"?
When snow and rain mix,
So that there is neither.
When you curl up with a fluffy blanket
In your over stuffed chair. <-- period should be a comma; the rest of the fragments are acceptable, but here I would combine these two sentences
A cup of steamy tea at your side
And a plate with Cinnamon toast.
When you stare at the fire <-- there should be a comma there
Soaking up the warmth.
You write a pointless poem about yourself
Doing nothing on a rainy day <-- I wasn't sure how to read these two lines. Is it: "You write a poem about yourself, [while] doing nothing on a rainy day"? Or is it: "You write a poem about yourself [and how you're] doing nothing on a rainy day"? I'd consider some other ways to phrase it so it's clearer.
I also agree with Kyllorac that "rainy day" isn't consistent with your earlier lines.
Overall it's a very simple poem. Nothing too memorable or stirring, but pleasant to read and easily relatable.
Keept writing, and let me know if you need another review. =]
Thanks, that was very helpful.
A. S.
"Overstuffed" is a single word.
The "Today is one of those days" got very irritating, very quickly. Aside from being repetitive, there really isn't much space in between repetitions, which makes the repetition a bit overkill. I suggest keeping removing all the "Today..." lines except the first and the last and merging the stanzas so that you're left with one large stanza and one one-line "Today..." stanza. This will make the repetition at the end all the more effective since it hasn't been dulled or made annoying.
Another thing I'd like to suggest is that you watch to make sure your imagery consistent. In the beginning, you said that it was one of those days where snow and rain meld together to become neither, yet in the second to last stanza, you call the day rainy. This doesn't make sense unless you mention within the poem that the weather has shifted more to rain, or else call the day a sleet-filled or sleeting one. Making your imagery a bit more "colorful" and memorable would also be a good idea in general, though the simplicity works well in this poem.
Hope that was helpful.
Thank you for the advice Kyousuke. Sorry, the rest of you didn't help.
I will try to revise it and make it better.
A. S.
Cheers!
Haven't seen one of those in quite some time =) Well, basically the poem was done well, I didn't have to imagine anything complex and the scenery for me was that of a man sitting in a chair near chimney in his wooden hut somewhere out in the nature =)
However, it might be because I'm used to systematic poems, your stanza bugged me. I could swallow the :
It's not that long and I could match the rhythm of reading for myself so it would rhyme and be nice to read, however this :
I'm sorry, but this just 1) Doesn't feel right in a poem, 2)It's really long and I do not manage to keep the rhythm from previous verses. Its not like writing long verses is bad, but in comparison to the rest this verse is just way too long. For me, this length simply made me switch from my 'poetry' mind to a mind of 'fiction'. It's just like those long 'show&tell' sentences in fiction that many struggle with.
I noticed you use the rhyming a,x ( where a repeats and x is free rhyme ) , which is not bad. Though mainly due to the long sentences the rhythm&flow of verses for a poem doesn't seem right at all. If I were to stop and think over it, I'd go and say that this is not a poem for me.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not that strict or anything around it, but if I take a look at all the hundreds of poems I read and know, I can't match this with any other. Being original is great, I admit. Though I do not think that having your poem original in terms of verse length is really that great the way it is right now.
I know this is really the opposite to the comments above mine, but if you'd consider editing your poem, I'd advice shortening the long verses. There are so many ways of changing poem while keeping the main scenery like making it into two stanzas, applying a rhyming pattern and many more. It's all just up to you how much effort and time you put into it =)
Just remember, great poets didn't spend just one hour writing their greatest pieces.
Keep writing though, no matter how much time you spend, if you spend some, you'll improve!
Kyou
Its cute. :] There isn't much needed advice in this poem.
It just is. And its nice, cute, and unique. :]
Keep it up!!
-BG-
I am not going to give you any advice. I just wanted to say I LOVE it!
Wild
Thanks for the comment even though there wasn't any advice.
This was nice. I could see the scene perfectly. I loved the flow and word choice that you used. It was a calming and sweet poem. Great job!