~So this is a poem I had to write for school. Can you tell what it is about? Please help me! You know what I hate? Having to be inspired at 9:00 every morning.~
The wind is strong
The ground is dry
The prices are low
The bills are high
Trees on the fence
Tractor‘s broke down
My babies are hungry;
No one‘s hiring in town
There‘s nothing to do
We’ve cut off our own hand
There‘s no way to feed ‘em
Not off my own land
If only for them
I’ll find a way
I will persevere
Hunger won’t stay
I’m gone all day
Looking for work
I have to travel far
But, somewhere it must lurk
I just want to
See my baby
So don’t try to stop me
Don’t try to save me
I won’t stop working
Until they are fed
They want me to stop
But, I won’t.
Thanks,
A. S>
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Thank you a bunch guys! I am editing it and revising it a lot. You probably won't see it up for a while because when I revise I revise over and over and over again.
Thanks again,
A. S.
Hi Calligraphy!
I like it!
I feel bad and useless compared to all the other reviews you have gotten. But, you asked so I will.
I'm afraid that's all I can do.
Hope I helped,
Jungle
Thank you guys. I am now thinking about rewriting the whole poem because I suck at revising when it comes to poetry, but I will try. The last line is meant not to rhyme on purpose, but if you really don't like it I might change.
A. S.
Ok, so, I have a habit of picking abart a poem so get ready...
Frist of I have to say that I really liked this poem, I haven't read anyother poems like it, which makes it all the better, you started of great, but as you progressed you seemed to get rocky with the rhymeing and it seemed like you just got tired of writing it so just hurried up to finesh... But thats ok, the poem is good, here are my little nit-picks:
This is a very good staring paragragh, the rhyme is good but if you wanted to you could change "strong" and "Dry" to some synnonym to the word, strong and dry are common discriptive wods, and if it is for school using other words will get you a better grade... But you could also leave it like this with out any harm of fowl...
Good rhyme, nice word choice... Here is were we start to see the problem, that the speaker needs a job, no ones hiring, the family is hungry and things are breaking down
Here you also become more aquantide with the problem, you need food, but the land wont grow it. Good rhyme...
You should change that last line, it seems like you couldn't think out anything so you just threw it in there...
At first I didn't understand the last line, but after reading it over a few times I did understand, I don't know, I think changing that line will make the stanza better...
I don't see how it is that you could be saved, other then that you need help, but why wouldn't you eccept that help??
That last line needs to rhyme with the second, you can't just brake of the rhyming right at the end, it throws the whole poem off...
Over all, I really like this poem, with some work it will be really great! I hope this wasn't to harsh, these are only suggestion, feelfree to tell me to shove it if you feel it is diserved...
~Rain~
P.S. My spell check button is playing Hide-and_seek and I can't find it... I suck at spelling, so I know these some spelling errors in this review, sorry...
Hey, Calligraphy! Here as requested.
I think this poem could use some punctuation, but I won't go through the entire piece and find every single time there should be a period or a comma. You can do that when you look over this piece again.
This sort of repetition rarely works well in poetry, and just comes across as flat, a lazy attempt at some form of rhythm.
Now, onto the next point: rhyme schemes. In general, I hate them, because they're so extremely difficult to do well, and end up forcing the writer into what they CAN say, opposed to what they WANT to say. I think here you did an admirable job of it, but it did feel forced and awkward in some stanzas (particularly jarring were "Hunger won't stay" and "somewhere it must lurk"). Also, you completely lost the rhyme scheme in the final stanza. Watch out for stuff like that.
I understand the message behind your piece quite easily, and that's the problem: it's far too direct. Now, I don't want you to go out and write something so academic or so painfully complex and verbose that only a scholar could understand it, not at all. But a level of interpretation and symbolic significance is integral to the success of any well-constructed poem. As of right now, the lines are very simple, conveying little in the way of metaphor and such; in most of the lines, you're doing a lot of "telling" as opposed to "showing." I don't get any grand sense of setting or character from this piece, it's mostly a recitation of events and the stalwart narrator's determination to help his family.
I don't mean to sound too harsh, especially since I know writing poems for classes can be difficult, and you were pretty much forced into being "inspired," as you said. Hope this helps!
Okay, as per request I shall attempt to review a poem. Just be advised that, even though I have written a grand total of 4 poems in my lifetime it really isn't something I'm good at. Weird, isn't it?
Anyways, something that just jumped out at me was this line:
Not only does it seem to be the only line with punctuation, it is also a line that is longer than all the others. I just checked, you used a comma once afterwards and a semi-colon before, my bad... My point still stands! The length of the line in relation to the rest in the stanza (I hope I used the right word there) just seems to throw the flow off. Every other line is pretty short and it gets a good flow going. My suggestion would be to take out the word 'but' all together and leave the line at 'somewhere it must lurk'. In my head, it still seems to make sense, so the word is just uneeded filler.
Here is another line where you used 'but':
This time, I think you should remove it to make the line punch more. You are saying that some people want you to stop. You won't. Seems to make the poem end on a powerful note, doesn't it? I feel the word 'but' works at times, but for the most part it will only be there as a way to extend a sentence. Problem is, it also weakens the sentence. In a novel, you can forgive that, but in a poem, I think you would want to punch more. Give the audience a reason to get emotional.
Well, that is all I can see, hope it helps!
Also, thanks for getting the thread up, you didn't have to. I think I put it up at a wrong time or something. The four musketeers put theirs up at the same time, so I don't blame people for going to them.
Thanks, you might not like it because I wrote this in about seven minutes and didn't read over it before I posted
Did you get what the poem was about? I said "hand" kind of like you would say You shot yourself in the foot...
A. S.
Alo again. I'm kind of new to reviewing poetry, so don't take what I say toooo seriously...
hands
Here's the only part I didn't quite get... the "Hunger won't stay" part is said with too much conviction...add something in there like "hunger won't dare stay", or something that makes it sound as if she's doubting, or trying to convince herself. All and all I'm not crazy about the poem, I'm not too sure why though... its well written and everything. Keep writing!!