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Morbid Circus

by Calligraphy


A smile smeared on my frowning face
White powder covers my dark skin
Inky gunk, so thick it doesn’t smear when tears well up.
I am covered in pinks, yellows, oranges, and reds
When all I want to wear is black
Wavy, neon green hair flows down my back
When underneath mine waits short, burnt, and dirty brown.

No one notices the pain in my eyes as my shoes pinch my feet
They only see the act I put on as I walk the tightrope,
Terrified
No one hears the yelling, the threats, before the show
No one smells the blood as I fall
No one feels the pain
They refuse to see what this circus has really done to me

They care for their children
They want them to see laughter and fun
They cover their eyes to the facts
They cover their eyes to the way this circus is really run.



This is a poem I wrote for Napo; it was inspired by this photo:

Spoiler! :
Image


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Sun May 01, 2011 8:36 pm
Calligraphy says...



Thanks for the reviews guys! I will edit AFTER review day XD




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Sun May 01, 2011 7:53 am
ehte92 wrote a review...



Hello there.
The picture is really very terrifying. I had watched a movie which was a bit relayed to the thing you have written over here.
The title of the poem is really very catchy. I liked the concept and the originality in it. The descriptions were awesome and the imagery, perfect. I couldn't see any grammatical mistakes in it as well.

Calligraphy wrote:A smile smeared on my frowning face
White powder covers my dark skin
Inky gunk, so thick it doesn’t smear when tears well up.
I am covered in pinks, yellows, oranges, and reds
When all I want to wear is black
Wavy, neon green hair flows down my back
When underneath mine waits short, burnt, and dirty brown.

#4000FF ">The beginning was very good. It gives a dark feel to the poem right from the start and I guess that is what you wanted to attain. The repetition of smear just after a line was a bit odd for me. Just me. It might be good for the other readers. Here in the last line, I too think that something is wrong with the punctuation. You might want to have a look at it. The total imagery in this stanza was very cool. Good details.

No one notices the pain in my eyes as my shoes pinch my feet
They only see the act I put on as I walk the tightrope,
Terrified
No one hears the yelling, the threats, before the show
No one smells the blood as I fall
No one feels the pain
They refuse to see what this circus has really done to me

#4000FF ">A great stanza in describing the state of mind of the clown(?). Liked it all the way right till the end. But the use of ‘they’ over her is a bit confusing to who ‘they’ is. A bit more detail would be good.

They care for their children
They want them to see laughter and fun
They cover their eyes to the facts
They cover their eyes to the way this circus is really run.

#4000FF ">The end was a bit abrupt according to me. I do not know why, but it seemed incomplete. You might want to take Elinor’s review into consideration and extend it a bit. Other than that the whole thing was marvelous. Use of good grammar. Simple words yet conveying the right meaning to each and every reader.


I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:




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Sun May 01, 2011 3:06 am
MiRaCLeS wrote a review...



I love how you wrote about the dark part of the circus. Because when someone thinks of a circus the image they conjure up is one of cheerfulness or something like it. Also, you wrote about it perfectly. The images you painted in my head is very vivid so well done on that. I can't seem to find anything to critique on. Well done anyways! :)




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:53 am
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Wow. Hi there, Calligraphy. Haha. This poem is cool! I think it's different, I've never seen a sad clown before. I actually feel bad for the clown because they're using him, never thought of something like that. :( Lol. Anyways, lol... your poem flows well. It's simple, catchy, and I didn't see any grammar errors.

Good job! Keep writing! Image

~Solvy <3




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:52 am
MattLangg wrote a review...



This is a great poem! I love where you got your inspiration from. It just goes to show that anything can inspire you, you just have to look at it from a different perspective!
Just a few things -

A smile #FF0000 ">is smeared on my frowning face#FF0000 ">.
White powder covers my dark skin#FF0000 ">.
Inky gunk, so thick it doesn’t smear when tears well up.
I am covered in pinks, yellows, oranges, and reds
When all I want to wear is black#FF0000 ">.
Wavy, neon green hair flows down my back
When underneath mine waits #FF0000 ">- short, burnt, and dirty brown.

No one notices the pain in my eyes as my shoes pinch my feet#FF0000 ">.
They only see the act I put on as I walk the tightrope#FF0000 ">.
Terrified#FF0000 ">.
No one hears the yelling #FF0000 ">- the threats before the show#FF0000 ">.
No one smells the blood as I fall#FF0000 ">.
No one feels the pain#FF0000 ">.
They refuse to see what this circus has really done to me#FF0000 ">.

They care for their children#FF0000 ">;
They want them to see laughter and fun#FF0000 ">.
They cover their eyes to the facts #FF0000 ">-
They cover their eyes to the way this circus is really run.

Again, I thought this was great! Your imagery was spot on. Those are just some of the things I would have done, had I written this.




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:51 am
jellybean wrote a review...



D: Creepy picture!

Okay, I've never reviewed poetry before, so please bear with me.

A smile smeared on my frowning face
White powder covers my dark skin
Inky gunk, so thick it doesn’t smear when tears well up.


The beginning was my favorite part. It was so vivid and it can be interpreted multiple ways.

When all I want to wear is black


I'm a little iffy about this line. I think the "all" and the "is" kinda messed up the flow a little bit.

When underneath mine waits short, burnt, and dirty brown.


I agree with animekaratepup. There should definitely be some sort of punctuation here.

No one smells the blood as I fall


Love this!

They care for their children
They want them to see laughter and fun
They cover their eyes to the facts
They cover their eyes to the way this circus is really run.


Personally, I didn't care for this part. I think the poem would've been a lot more powerful if you just stopped at the line, "They refuse to see what the circus has really done to me."

Other than that, I liked this a lot. It was very haunting and dark. :)

- Jelly




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:45 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi, Calligraphy!

So, I thought that this was a very well-written poem and that you were able to convey a strong central theme without. I might be a bit biased since I never enjoyed the circus when I was little, but hey. It's still good. The photo you saw was definitely a chilling one and it's hard to imagine how someone wouldn't be inspired by that. As for the poem itself, like I said, I thought it was good, and you definitely manage to get across a theme, but the imagery could be a bit stronger. It will help this be a lot more meaningful.

For example, you have this character. Who is he/she? Okay, obviously they work at the circus, but what do they do there? How did they come to work for the circus? At what point do they realize that it is not a good job to have? Why can't they quit? Another thing you don't exactly do is explain why the circus is bad. You hint that maybe his/her bosses are a bit controlling, but I would like to see you expand on that a little bit more. You have simple words like "terrified" that could really be fleshed out to describe the emotion that your character is feeling. There's a line where you talk about colors. Maybe you could think of the most disgusting things that are a certain color and have the narrator compare that to what they have to wear.

The ending also confuses me a little. You seem to imply that parents know what awful things circus does to its workers; if so, why would they take their kids? Do they find out while they watch? More clarification, please.

Those are just a few thoughts; I really don't have anything else for you. I hope this helps, and as always, feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions.

~ Elinor




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:41 am
Calligraphy says...



Thanks for the reviews guys. *edits*




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:36 am
fireheartedkaratepup wrote a review...



Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. :( (When I think of the circus, I always think of the first Robin now. XD)

This was really good. I like the way you describe things.

When underneath mine waits short, burnt, and dirty brown.

There should be some sort of punctuation mark after waits--either a comma, a hyphen, or a colon. It doesn't really matter which, I just think it would be better that way.


No one notices the pain in my eyes as my shoes pinch my feet

There's three my's in this sentence. That's not necessarily bad, but you could change the second my to the, and remove the third one altogether.



I like how the last part rhymes, when the rest of the poem doesn't. Good job.




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Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:25 pm
SkyeDreamer says...



It's really good but pretty dark. I liked the image and feeling the poem portrayed... good job. I agree with Tamara; I couldn't really find anything wrong here.




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Sat Apr 30, 2011 6:27 pm
TamaraGoesRawr wrote a review...



I like the details in this. It reminds me of a song by Escape The Fate ,actually. I can't really find anything wrong with this poem. I'd like to hear more from you; keep writing! :D





A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats