Young Writers Society

Well I already told you I liked this before you ever put it on here I just figuered that I should tell you again. You're a good writer but I don't feel like songs are your strongest point. I love you girlie!! Keep writing I like randomly reading them in english class together.

Wow! I am definitely surprised! Parts of this are very awesome. In fact, the whole end of this song, from "I'll be the grass" works well and I don't wanna change a thing about it.

I also like the line "you're the only fish in my sea", because it evokes an awesome image: this big pool of water with a single fish in it. What's odd is that it's meaningful, funny, and kind of sad all at the same time, which I like.

The next thing I like is "What do you look like? What color are your eyes?" because it's really unexpected after such an eager outpouring of love!

Those lovely things pointed out, the rest is not very intriguing. Why? Take the last example. You say, "What do you look like? What color are your eyes?", but then the next words are basically repeating this concept: I don't know. I bet I'd like you. I don't know you. By the fact that she's asking what color his/her eyes are, we already know she doesn't know this person, so the repetition is adding nothing to the poem and dragging it down.

Another fault in this poem is falling victim to rhyming. Obviously, you can do it subtly and well, but I am really grated by:

Your eyes, Are brighter than any star. A pretty smile, That stretches oh so far. You've got me telling, My secrets sharing.

Hello!

Title

Can I take your uncertainty as a request for help? Don't use Valentine's song! It's very cheesy and obvious and instead, let me help you think of something you like better

Okay. First, let's brainstorm some valentines language and then we can pick the title out of that. We have cupid, hearts, arrows, red, pink, bouquet, flowers, Saint Valentine (a little more interesting than Valentines).

Then let's look at the content of your poem. The part of this that struck me as most interesting was she hasn't met him yet, but you don't want to spoil that surprise! So is there a subtle way to say it without giving it away? Maybe 'Absent Valentine'? or you could go for something more abstract like 'Key Major' which pretends to be music, but could actually refer to computer keys?

That's only two ideas but hopefully it has you thinking of others! The best thing to do is play with words and try putting two together you wouldn't normally, like 'Absent Key' which is just an easy example as I took a word from each of my others!

Content

This is pretty cool. I like the up-beat tone of this and it's a little cliche in places, the whole 'fish in the sea' line, but I can kind of forgive that because it's fun and spunky! It's also pretty hilarious as it becomes apparent they've never met because at first I'm just thinking they've been parted, but then boom! She doesn't know what he looks like? Awesome.

If this is lyrics as you seem to suggest then you need a few more stanzas! Why don't you have her meet him in a later one and show us how she's disappointed or how it works/ doesn't work! I really like what you have at the moment and that chorus is awesome, but you need more! This is only the start of a story and I want to know how it ends.

Overall

Good work so far but fix that title and if you edit the work, you should be able to manually put the line breaks in. There's also a few typos to look out for and fix! But thanks for a fun read!

Heather xxx

Hi there Calla!

So unfortunate about the line breaks! Sometimes YWS messes up the formatting -- try and do it again in the actual submitting space and see whether that helps at all. I'll try and review this just like this!

I liked the idea of the singer not having met this "you" yet. It wasn't clear from the beginning, and I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but it's quite a nice twist to the story anyhow.

I think my favourite parts were the line "But I still have not met you yet" and also the ending part before the chorus starting from "I'll be the grass". I'm not sure why I liked them the best, though! I guess the rhymes were so good and I also liked the "I'll be x and you be y" structure. It was sweet!

Your eyes, Are brighter than any star. A pretty smile, That stretches oh so far. You've got me telling, My secrets sharing.

This makes me so mad! YWS, Y U NO LET ME HAVE STANZA??????