Prologue
The first thing I saw was me, standing in a field of snow. It was a clearing, and dark green trees surrounding. The picture was kind of fuzzy, but I could still make out the gray sky and someone coming up from behind me. Then it went black and I could hear someone scream. I wasn’t entirely sure it was my own. Then I was in the field, but there was a large fire and it was night. Three tall, cloaked figures stood side by side behind a man on his knees. His hands were behind his back and he was bruised and bloody. As the middle figure, the tallest if them all, drew a sword over the guy’s head I tired to lunge forward but something held me back. It looked like a dark cloud was holding me in my place and arms to my sides like a straight jacket. Then it went black again and I heard someone screaming again, this time I was sure it was my own. The scene changed and I saw me again, but I was in a large room that looked elegant and for really important people. I sat in a high backed chair, dressed in beautiful purple silks and my hair curled and pinned beautifully. My face was grave and a tear raced down my cheek, leaving a shinning, sparkly, light green trace. But it wasn’t make-up, because my make-up was dark as usual. Then it went black again. Then I woke up to someone screaming, only to realize it was my own.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is a very interesting prologue, its one of the few which I've run into with a large single paragraph that actually seems to be appropriate to the situation at hand and manages to both get your attention, and then keep it all throughout without the flow having any kind of break..not to mention that end is definitely intriguing enough to make you want to find out more here.
I really like the style this is going for here, the whole flashes of memory or perhaps a series of bad dreams vibe that you've got going on works really well in a prologue here. Not only does it show multiple events all of which are mysterious in their own way but you also get too see that someone is suffering as a result of all of those events, so all of this together amounts for a pretty powerful prologue right here.
Overall, this one's a really solid prologue here, it does its job really well and it seems like the start of a pretty cool story right here, and one that I'd certainly read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Calla,
Very interesting title you've got there. I did it's job and pulled me in.
First critique I've got: Paragraphs. Paragraphs give vital.organization to a piece. The general rule is whenever you change topic, start a new paragraph. Yes, this is all about the same dream, but the dream jumps. It would make comprehension easier if you broke it up into paragraphs.
I didn't really mind the randomness as much, though I would say opening with a dream and not continuing to explain is a gutsy move, but there were a few transitions that made the reader feel lost. Mainly the transition from the field of snow to the three cloaked figures.
With such a nugget of literature, I can't nitpick that much, but I'll give it a shot:
It's hard to explain exactly what I mean by this, but I'm going to give it a shot. Your writing is quite descriptive here which is nice. Yay description! However, some of your word choices are very casual and give the piece an immature feeling that it really doesn't deserve. Guy is one of those words. Man is better.
Don't do the something! At the very least do, "...but was held back." Then continue with the description if you can't work what is holding you back into the same sentence.
Careful with repetition here.
Here's another example of some childish word choice. I wouldn't bring it up if the rest of the piece didn't make me believe you can do better.
A bit random here. I don't think it's necessary. I didn't think it was make-up when I read the previous sentence.
So, I know this wasn't a great help, but I hope I did help you some. Because this really just confuses the reader and doesn't act like a hook which is what prologues and first chapters are for, I would make this a chapter one and add an explanation of some sort with it. I think it would make more sense.
Me personally, I liked the dream. I found that I'm more into dream sequence writing recently and I feel that you pulled this off fairly well.
Any questions or if you want another review, just PM or hit up my wall.
Megsug
Wow, thanks soo much! This will definately help me should I choose it for my audition peice!
Um, sorry to be harsh, but I have absolutely no idea what is going on in this piece. It's all jumbled together and some of the action seems out of order/doesn't make sense. It's all color and image and it sort of hurts my brain a little trying to sort through what's happening.
Maybe you were experimenting with writing from a dreamer's perspective, which is what this is as far as I can tell?
Small suggestion: Notice reality--understand it, but then break the rules if it helps move a story along. For example, notice the difference between spoken English and written English, or how boring an office job is compared to having a job as a dragon slayer. Basically, take reality, then lie.
In a nutshell, learn some more on formatting--pick up any book and read the first five pages!--and, well, realize that if you were experimenting with writing from a dreamer's perspective, make it more like an awake person's perspective. Clean it up. Clear things up.
Keep writing,
Cas