this is only the beginning of an idea so bear with me, it might change in the near future! Thanks for taking the time to read this!
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Prologue
Staring into the dark, night sky she screamed. She mourned the loss of her family, her first love, and heart. Tears streamed down her face as she felt the agony of her wounds. But none were physical. Everything was blurry, nothing made sense to her. They had taken everything from her, all because of one mistake.
The black waves crashed against the white cliffs, resembling her heart. Suddenly she saw a light in the water. No, not a light, but a reflection. She rushed down the steep slope of a path down to the shore scraping her hands and knees on the way. But she didnât care.
Once she had reached the beach she frantically searched for what she had seen. There was no light except the full moon above her. She had no candle to light her path. At that moment she realized that she had nothing in the world, except for the small hope that burned inside of her.
There it lay, covered in sand. A locket that could not be opened, despite her surprising strength. She tied it around her neck, feeling the smallest hope that her last loved one was still alive. She thought of the baby and cried once more. But this wasnât a cry to mourn for her lost loved ones. It was a plea that only the night heard.
In the back of her mind a goal was set. Revenge was her only way to protect the baby that would one day find out of its true origin. Revenge is a personal choice, so she made hers. As she stole away in the night to find shelter against the storm, evil thoughts flooded her mind. She was not evil by nature, but she felt the need the become stone and heartless to protect herself. And so she made the decision there and then to never love anyone again except the baby. No man or foster parent would ever feel her love. Her love was taken for granted, and she would not have it again.
As she cried herself to sleep she thought of the baby once more. No one knew just yet of him or her. She was not even sure that it would survive. But she would die fighting for her or him. She patted her growing belly that had not yet shown yet her state of being. She thought to the child inside of her and said.
âForever I will love you, and only you.â
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138,555 Literary Works • 672,160 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well this was a pretty interesting little prologue here...there's certainly a lot going on in it and it does manage to do a pretty good as a prologue from what I can see here at first glance. All the things you'd expect from a prologue are present in this piece here.
Sooo, moving on, the first issue I'd have to say is...uhh...this is kind of a giant lump of text at the moment, and one that could greatly benefit from being broken into a couple of paragraphs here cause at the moment, while this is a pretty neat little scene describing the whole situation that's going on, the flow here takes a hit from the lack of paragraphing.
Anyway, moving into more detail on the story itself, we have a mother taking what looks to be a pretty big decision there...which definitely makes you ask the question, what could possibly have lead to such a strong move there. At any rate, this is all pretty interesting, you capture the kind of raw emotion that comes with the making of a strong decision like this pretty well, and you can almost feel the situation that this person finds themselves in here.
At any rate, this was a pretty neat little prologue here, it certainly sounds like a story that I'd read here. D:
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Calla,
You should really review more often. Here is one for you.
First off, the formatting is really bad. It's difficult to follow the story. You might consider reformatting it to make it easier on readers.
The timing of this is wrong. Keep in mind that the reader hasn't had time to develop any emotional bond with this character, so big emotional scenes won't touch a reader this early.
Also, it should be "her family, her first love, and her heart."
What we are missing is her story. Who the heck is she? Who did she lose? How did she lose them? Answering these questions would give us an emotional connection to the character because she would have a story.
The reader would feel a much greater impact if, before they knew of his death, they learned about how she met him, their courtship, and their love. With each step, the reader would be able to connect more intimately with the character and even begin rooting for the happy ending. Then you hit them with his death and it will slap them across the face. Then they'll feel HER anger, HER betrayal, and HER loss.
It would also give us an inkling, just an inkling, about what the heck is going on.
"hands and knees on the way. But she didn't care"
.
Ok you have way too many fragment sentences here. Certainly they can be used effectively but when it gets to be too much, it's just sloppy. Try to edit out a lot of your fragments to help the flow. Also try not to start sentences with conjunctions.
"Once she had reached the beach"
Wait what? From your previous imagery I thought she was on a cliff wallowing in self pitty while black waves crashed on the white walls of the cliff. Now she somehow ran down to the beach? You need to set up your scene clearer so that the reader can have a clear picture of what you're trying to paint with your words. I do love your imagery though
"a locket that could not be opened"
I want to see the locket. Give us some imagery, is it in the shape of a heart? Is it thick? Is it silver or gold or titanium what? Give us some more facts to hold on to.
Great ending, that's what makes this a good prologue. Another issue you have is that you don't have any paragraphs, so this is just one giant block of text, and it's kinda difficult to read. Break it up so it doesn't look so intimidating. I like the sound of this piece your writing, I think this has some great potential. Definitely give us some more scenery though and you'll be rearing to go. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
This is a good prologue, I like the sense of mystery around it, and your imagery is wonderful. The one thing I would advise is breaking up the big paragraph
. after that, just let it grow with the rest of the story. nice job!