"Hey there,this is the seven o'clock news. I am Eli Temani and you're watching channel 5....."
Tela sighed and stretched on the couch, before the tv set. she started,at the loud thump that came from upstairs. Her heart skipped a beat, then she realized it was just her ten year old son, Ben packing his things. Ben was leaving for Texas with Emma, his 16 year old cousin, tomorrow. Both kids were excited about the trip, she could tell.
"Benny? Everything Okay up there?"
she hollered, just to be sure. she heard Ben's footsteps on the padded stair carpet before she heard his voice.
"Mommah, i think Emma just finished fifteen Big Macs. OMG"
His eyes widened as he spoke. Tela smiled up at the him. Emma appeared at the top of the stairs in her PJs and posed in stage fashion as though performing on stage. in a sing song voice she repied
"if i ever did that i think i'd have a heart attack"
They all laughed and Tela noticed the life shining in Emma's eyes. Emma's biggest dream was to be a singer and she had the talent to back it up. she remembered escaping with Emma from the burning car that held both their families captive. She also remembered getting pregnant with Ben few months after. she sighed again and beckoned on them. They bouced down the stairs happily.
"i'm gonna miss y'all so much. send me a postcard?"
she said and held them in a group hug
"i'll miss..."
Ben started but broke off as the sounds of masculine laughter rent the air. Fred was back and was making a phone call on the patio. she sighed and released them from the hug.
"Da-day"
Ben squealed and ran up the into his father 's arms. Tela looked at Emma who rolled her eyes and ran up the stairs.
"Yo! T. you're letting my baby travel with Em. tomorrow? he just told me"
Fred asked, brow raised
"oH! Dad i'm gonna be a cowboy! shoot the police. whoop them asses"
Ben shrieked excitedly jumping up and down .
"Benny? you dont use vulgar words. where did you learn that from?"
she asked, very shocked at her then year old's behavior. Fred looked at her with an icy coldness in his eyes.
"your son"
He shrugged and went up the stairs. Tela sighed heavily and forced herself to smile for Ben
"c'mon benny, go get ready for bed"
she stood at the foot of the stairs and watched him go up.
her patience with Fred was running out big time. he was always at work and the little time he spent at home, he complained all through . God give her the strength and patience to deal with this man, she prayed and climbed the stairs with a view to confronting him.
He was sprawled on the bed typing into his laptop. He looked up as she came in
"Fred"
"why is Emma travelling alone with Ben?"
he asked,a wave of anger crossed his face
"Fred, listen to me.Listen. Maybe if you stayed at home more..."
"wait. what? it's my fault i'm a very busy mayor and businessman? you expect me to sit at home all day and watch ypu chit chat with the kids all day? no, thank you"
"i don't chit chat, fred. i have a job"
"you call that a job? working at channel 5 is not a job, its a bore"
He said, looking at her pointedly to make sure his hurtful words sank in. It did. she closed her eyes in exasperation and chose to ignore him
"Emma's starting college in the summer, not that i expect you to care. she's going with Ben to set up house. To see Texas. i want the kids to get a little air . some freedom. she's 16 for crying out loud !"
"Ben is ten. he's gonna be on a flight without his parents and just a sixteen year old teenager. Tela, i don't like the sound of that. Ben is learning fast and judging from his language, he's gonna pick up some attitude from texas"
"Goodnight fred. i'm tired of hearing your nag"
She was so angry she could hardly think.
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First of all, I don't know why, but the fact that you don't have a title yet, pretty much makes it a little more interesting
Make sure to add punctuation. You don't have many capitals where they should be. "Goodnight fred. i'm tired of hearing your nag"
Should be "Goodnight, Fred. I'm tired of hearing your nagging."
You have so much dialogue, and there is almost no description. You need a lot more description for the next part!
I hope I at least helped a little lol bye!
hi. thank you for your review, i'm working towards making a better book. the second chapter is coming up soon. hope you'll like it
hi. thank you for your review, i'm working towards making a better book. the second chapter is coming up soon. hope you'll like it
Hi there
I'm not exactly a fan of the Bible, but the idea of this is very good 


First off I love the idea of this
However, I noticed a few problems that may repel readers. You use a LOT of dialogue, it seems like there is almost no descriptions, so we feel no connection to the character of Tela which I feel is a VERY important factor of any story. Also your punctuation/grammar needs some reviewing. There is a big lack of capitalisation and full stops. E.g. "Goodnight fred. i'm tired of hearing your nag", "you call that a job? working at channel 5 is not a job, its a bore" and "Yo! T. you're letting my baby travel with Em. tomorrow? he just told me". These are just a few examples when you need to go over and correct them.
If you need any help please don't hesitate to PM me and I'd be glad to help you correct any mistakes
But of course this is your story so good luck and keep writing
yay! thanks for your review. i'll work on making the second chapter better. xoxo
No problem
I just want to make sure everyone's work is the best it can be ^^