Young Writers Society

Hello as you can see i'm new here and i'm new to writing I normally write and draw comic books and have decided to take on writing books as well. I came to this forum because I noticed that everybody here is honest in their reviews on peoples stories. Anyway here is the first part of my story be honest in your critique and enjoy.

"Give it back!!" I yelled to Nathan. "Okay I will, if you do a dance in the middle of the road." Nathan said laughing at my not so intimidating angry face. I hate Nathan. He is the leader of the bullies and I was their number one target most of the time. I normally try to ignore the teasing but, today...today he crossed the line. He stole my back pack my dragon back pack the very thing that I have cherished for five years now. My parents had it custom made for me on the very last day I saw them My eighth birthday the day they went missing. The police don't know what happened. They say my parents either got murdered or they left and abandon me. I got pretty upset with the cops when they mentioned the possibility that they did abandon me. My parents loved me and they would never do that and if they did abandon me they had a good reason. I jumped up and reached for my backpack. Nathan was too tall and I couldn't jump that high. After I tried to grab it a couple more times Nathan's watch started to beep. He checked the time on his watch and sighed. "Agh It's time to babysit my bratty sister!" "Here dragon boy take it!" Nathan said as he shoved the backpack against my chest. "Besides if I took your backpack with me I wouldn't be able to take it away from you again tomorrow." Once again all of the other bullies laughed along with him. I swear they live their lives just to kiss up to him. I put my back pack on and headed home.

As you can see i'm just your average thirteen year old okay almost average on another walk home from school. I have my normal routine when I walk through town to get home , I stop by the book store and read for a while and say hi to my uncle who run's the resturaunt a couple of stores down from the book store. Thats usally when the bullies stop following me cause they are scared that my uncle might be out on the front patio where the customers eat on a sunny day like this. My Aunt and uncle adopted me after my parents went missing. They are the nicest people in the world. I wish I could say the same about their son Jeremie. He is pure evil. He finds new ways to torture me every day. A year ago I thought I got rid of him when he went to college but, it turns out he decided to stay at home till he graduates. I guess the dorms arent good enough for him. Well here it is, my get away....the book store. My favorite place in the world the only place in town where I can go with out being made fun of. As I reached up to push open the glass door. I noticed a reflection in it. It was a grand opening banner to another book store right across the street. Wow thats weird yesterday it was an empty warehouse but you know how it is nowdays ,busineses pop up like weeds. Huh I guess I'll go check it out after i'm done in here.

I pushed open the door and as soon as I stepped in the clerk greeted me like usaul. "Hey adam hows it going?""Good I guess" I replied. I was their biggest customer. Every week I spend my allowance on a new book and every day I stop by just to say hi and look for books to buy when I get my allowance. This week I had double the money because I was saving up for a new book about dragons they had shipped in today. "Look's like you have some new competition across the street." I said looking at the new bookstore through the window. "Well they only have antique books so they won't be competing with us we have the newest authors in stock." The clerk replied. I walked around the room looking for the book shelf with the new dragon book but it didn't seem to be anywhere. "Well where's that new dragon book that you have been advertising all week?" "Ummm sorry adam it was a mad house this morning and I forgot to save you one, those books were gone within an hour." The clerk said with a sigh. "WHAT!!!" I couldn't belive they were gone. "Man that stinks I should of came by on my way to school this morning." You'd think a store in a small town like this would be able to keep stock of something for longer than one hour. "Well I doubt they would have the book either but you could check the store across the street." The clerk suggested. "I guess I will." I said in a dissapointed voice.

I headed across the street, but before I could make it to the other book store the the group of bullies started coming after me. Before I could make it to the door Nathan shoved me up against the wall. "Leave me alone Nathan!" What hapened to his babysitting job anyway? "Good news dragon boy I got out of the babysitting job so I got to come back and see you." "Now where were before I left?" "Oh yeah I remember now.....I was borowwing your back pack for a while."Yeah right borrowing was the last thing Nathan would ever do. I struggled enough to get out of his grasp and ran to the door of the new book store. Nathan shoved me again and my back landed right up against the door. It wasn't strong enough to hold up my weight and the door flew open. "Woah!" The next thing I new is that I got up close and personal with the floor. I landed on my back but my back pack absorbed the impact a little so it wasn't that bad. Standing right over me was an old man with an old black hat probably covering his bald spots, he had grey hair just long enough to cover his ears and wore an old worn out tuxedo. "Are you okay?" The old man asked in a worried voice. "Yeah i'm fine" I replied. "Those boys shure were pushing you around a lot out there." The old man said. He held out his hand to help me up.

I grabbed ahold of it. He tried to pull me up but he really didn't help much. "Oh goodness my back is just not working like it used to." He was rubbing his back and cringing like that little tug he did trying to help me up hurt him pretty badly. "Why were they pushing you around like that?" The old man asked while recovering from the pain. "They always make fun of me cause I like dragons... I tend to have an overactive imagination sometimes." I replied. "No one should be horrased because of that." The old man said with his hands against his hips. "Well at my school any one who is like that is horrased by the bullies." "Everything shure has changed since I've been a kid I loved mythical creatures too but I didn't get made fun of for it.."The old man said as he pulled his chair out from behind the counter. . "I wish everything could run as smoothly for me as it did for you. "Well everything changes as time passes by" He said wagging his finger at me. Oh yeah I nearly forgot the whole reason I came here. "I'm here to see if you have a certian book." I took off my back pack and pulled out the flyer all crumpled up from the fall I just took . " Hmmm." The old man scratched his chin as he studied the flyer. "I don't think I have that book but, I have plenty of other books about dragons you can take a look at. They have realistic pictures and Information on all of the creatures." "Well I guess I could check them out."I replied while staring at all of the old dusty books piled up one on top of another. I didn't think I would buy anything I just wanted to be polite. "Here come with me." He said motioning his hand.

"Pardon the dust it's uncontrollable right now with all of the unpacking and what not." "Oh no I really didn't even notice the dust." I lied of course but he seemed nice so ididn't want to insult him. He led me way down the hall It was very dusty. It was weird because the store had just opened this morning. I guess when he unpacked he never cleaned off the books. The whole time he was leading me down the hall he was whistling a strange but catchy tune that echoed throughout the store. We passed up all of the book shelves and approached a door that read "Employees only" He pulled out an old skeleton key and opened the door , inside was a huge book shelf full of books much older than the other ones in the front of the store. "Now I'm pretty shure that you will find this book very interesting." The old man said reaching up to grab a very large book off the shelf. The book must have been a foot and a half tall, eleven inches wide and five inches thick. He slammed the book on top of his desk a few feet away from the book shelf and wiped dust off the cover with his hand. The book had no title and and it had a very detailed silver lock on it in the shape of a dragon head. "Now this was my favorite book when I was a kid." "I read it all of the time and I think you should take it now." The old man said in a kind voice. "Oh no I don't want to take your favorite book." I said. It looked very interesting but I didn't want to take it from him if it was his favorite. "Now now it's okay I don't read it much any way It should go to a better home.....a home where i'm shure someone would read it all the time" The old man sounded like he really wanted me to have it. "Whats it about?" I asked. "Well It's about all kinds of things dragons, magic and theres a surprise inside I don't want to give away."

"Now if your not interested you don't have to take it I just thought you might like it." "You sound just like me when I was a kid." He stared right at me as if he were looking at a picture of himself. "Ah the good old days." He said with a big sigh. "Okay I'll but it but it how much dose it cost?" I asked him while digging through my pockets for money. Oh it wont cost you a penny...as long as you drop by after school for a couple of minutes a day and visit with me." "I can't take your book for free.....here" I handed him all the money I had in my pocket. Two weeks worth of allowance. "No I told you you can have it for free." He said shoving my hand back towards me. "Okay are you shure?" I asked. "Yes I'm very shure." He handed the book to me. "Okay thanks erm....whats your name?" "You can call me Al" The old man said pointing to his name tag with his strange store logo. "Okay al my name's Adam." "Thanks for the book. I'll see you tomorrow....Oh wait what about the lock on this thing ...don't I need a key??" "Look on the back of the book it will tell you how to open it." Al said sitting in his desk chair. "Okay thanks!" I yelled heading out the door.

I ran down the side walk of our little town to tell my uncle about Al. I could see him out on the patio where he was serving a piece of birthday cake to a little girl. He always served to someone personally when it was their birthday. He liked to sing the happy birthday song to the customers along with the other waiters and waitresses. It didn't matter if there was a hundred other resturaunts in town he would still be the most popular and i'm not just saying that because he's my uncle. He's a really good cook and a really nice person. He treats people with a lot of respect. "Hey uncle Derick!" "Look at this book I got!" I said holding it up infront of him."Wow that is a huge book!" "Is that the one you have been saving up for?" He asked while cleaning up a table. "No they were all out stock so I went to the new book store across the street." "The man that runs the place gave me this book for free." "He seems really nice." I struggled to put the heavy book in my backpack it could barely fit. "Well i'm going to go home and read it." I took off running waving by to uncle Derick. He didn't notice because he was busy cleaning another table. Everything around me was just a blurr I had my mind on one thing and one thing only I was so excited to open this book up and see what the surprise was. "Finally!" I yelled as my house came into sight. The trip home always seemed longer when I had just bought a book i'm always ready to get to my room and start reading. I barged into the house and went to the kitchen to show aunt Linda the book. She likes to know what i'm reading all of the time. "Look at the book I got aunt Linda the store keeper gave it to me for free." She turned around to see what I was talking about. "Oh that is a big book." "Whats it about?" She asked. "Well I really don't know but, i'm going to find out." "I'm gonna go upstairs to read it now." As I headed upstairs she stopped me. "Hold on adam I need you to take out the trash real quick." I dropped my back pack by the stairs and grabbed the trash, shuffled down the drive way and tossed it in the can then shuffled back up to the house "Ok all done......is that all?" "Yes you can go read your book now." She said with a chuckle.

I ploped down on my bed and took off my back pack and with a big tug I pulled out the book. Now then, al told me to look on the back for instructions. The instructions were smudged pretty badly but I was still able to read them it said the key to the lock is.........how do I pronounce this next word? Exion? Thats a weird word. The very second I spoke that word the lock on the book snapped open. Huh? I must have pressed a button on the front by accident. I turned the book over to find that the dragon head lock looked different. Now the mouth was open. Wow thats a pretty fancy lock. Before I opened the book I couldn't help but notice all of the decorations on the cover. One in peticular had a big stone in the middle it was a very very dark purple. I almost couldn't tell the difference between that color and black. All of the decorations were connected with silver vine like decorations. The silver vines were very detailed and they stretched all over the book. This was the coolest looking book by far I have ever owned. I ran my fingers across the dark purple stone, it was as smooth as glass but I could barely see my reflection in it.

Alright lets see if this book is as good as Al says it is. I opened it and dust came flying out "Cough cough!" "Man every thing al owns is dusty that guy needs to learn how to use a feather duster!"The pages looked worn out and there were little nicks in the corners. There were a couple of words on the first page they read. "To my very good friend Alphonze I will miss you dearly." I turned to the next page and saw nothing but a large symbol it looked like a talisman and it was a tarnished gold color decorated with the same vines that decorated the book. I turned to the next page and it had a huge army of hollow armor. They must have been ghost soldiers. There were a few people fighting the ghost armor they looked like barbarian elvs. Some with long beards and some younger elvs. They were outnumbered by the ghost armor. This must be the illustration to the story. There was dust on the picture so I brushed my hand across the page and then some thing really creepy happened I could hear a roar........the roar of the arrmies fighting. Then the picture started to move the armies clashed swords and dirt went flying."Ahhhh!!!" I jumped off my bed and ran out my bedroom. Pressed up against the hallway wall I tried to figure out what was going on. I think I bumped my head a little too hard when Nathan pushed me against the door. I peeked back in my room and stared at the book. The picture was still moving and the noises were getting louder.

"Okay adam you can do this........go back to the book and see whats going on" Look at me i'm talking to myself already. I always talk to myself when I'm scared. Going back into my room with the picture still moving was the hardest thing I have ever convinced myself to do. I sat back down on my bed and stared at the book for the longest time watching the elf armies get smaller and smaller as they are being slaughtered by the ghost armor. They are aparently the weaker side. There are only four explinations for this. I'm either dreaming, I bumped my head too hard, Jeremie is playing a joke on me or do I dare say it... it's.................................magic. I know what your thinking this kid is crazy but it could be real i'm highly doubting it but it would be cool. I've read all kinds of books about magic and this seems pretty magical to me.

Alright I'm going to take this thing back to al and ask him whats going on. Should I touch it? It's not like any one makes anti magic gloves around here. I reached down with trembeling hands to grab the book and shut it. But, I got too close to the pages and my hand started to get blurry like it was turning to sand. I jerked my hand back with a with a yell. Being the curious and stupid person I am I started to reach towards the book again. This time I touched the page and my hand started to get blurry again but this time I was too late. The book was sucking me in I grabbed my arm with my other hand to pull it out but the book started to suck my other hand in. My arms were breaking up into sand. I was frozen in fear as I watched my entire body get blurry. I started to get sucked in little by little as if I were sand in the wind. I felt like a sitting duck I was helpless. I closed my eyes cringing thinking it would go away. But once my eyes were opened....Things got weirder........no, things got scarier. I wasn't in my room any more! I was falling out of nowhere I couldn't tell where I was all I know is I was scared out of my mind. My stomach felt like it was going to come right up. I could hear my my heart pounding so loud it sounded like big drums. My eyes and face were being wind burnt. Kicking and screaming wasn't going to help so I tried to calm myself down. "Take deep breaths adam take deep breeaths." I didn't know what to think about all of this. It seems too real to be a dream but, dreams can feel pretty convincing. But what if it wasn't a dream? Did al trick me? Was he just trying to get that crazy book away from him?"Gasp!" Land I see land I"m going to die! How could my life end just because of a book? Just a few seconds before I hit the ground I closed my eyes to prepare for the horrible impact. It should be quick and painless right? Here it comes! My heart was pounding harder the closer I get. What? With a big blurr I passed right through the ground! Once again I'm falling out of nowhere. Theres even more land now! But, it looks different this time. Its a dessert. Sand dunes rise as high as mountians and the sun is glaring. Woah! I passed through the dessert too. And now theres mountians.I can see something coming at me. It's a dragon!Wait.... it's a dragon? Hey wait help me! I yelled desperatley but the dragon dosen't care or it can't understand me. I'm certianly not in the real world anymore.With another big blurr I passed right through the mountians too. I can't handle this strange feeling in my stomach any more I feel like i'm going to throw up. The same thing happens over and over. Am I stuck in an eternal fall? Wait a second theres even more land but it looks familiar this time......it's the battle grounds where I saw that war! And the war is still going on! I'm just going to pass through this one too. I just won't stop falling and if I do i'm just goin to die from the impact. I closed my eyes as I approached the battle grounds not knowing what to do I let out a big sigh. Oh my face burns from all of the intense wind. Hey! The weird feeling in my stomach is gone...........I stopped falling!

When I opened my eyes the very book that sucked me in this place landed face down right next to me. I hated that book more than anything right now "The first thing I do when I get out of this place." If I get out of this place is burn you!"! Thats right i'm yelling at a book but you know what I don't feel stupid for it at all. The sound of swords clashing flooded my ears.Then I heard foot steps right behind me. "Who's there?!" I managed to mutter out in while turning around. Before I knew it I was surrounded by ghost armor. My reflection in all of their silver sheilds looked different I was all deformed and not just because of the surface of the sheild was bent I was creepy looking like a zombie. One of the suits of armor raised their sword. Strained houls came out of the armor like a battle cry. It was going to attack me! I rolled over and grabbed the book right as the armor swung it's sword at me. I held the book up to sheild myself. A loud clank drew my attention from the haunting image in the sheild. The sword struck the book.........well the stone on the book to be more precise. I looked up at the armor and expected it to take another swing at me but it did quite the opposite. It started to struggle! It was pulling on the sword as if it were stuck. I looked at the shiny surface of the armor to see the reflection so I could see what was happening and it wasn't stuck................it was being pulled in! The book was sucking the armor up just like it did me! The armor let go of the sword and started to run but it was too late. It was being sucked up like dust in a vaccum .Once the first suit of armor was sucked up all of the other suits of armor started to get blurry and they started to get sucked in. I looked around me and noticed that I was sucking up the entire army of ghost armor. Houls and screams filled the air as the book finished up the last of them. "Well that was an unexpected turn of events."

I turned around when I heard someone gasp. It was one of the elvs a bunch of the elvs that was surrounding him all gasped too. He dropped his sword and a big grin spread across his face.He and all of the other elvs leapt up off the ground and let out a big cheer. The elf walked over to me and patted me on the back. "We have quite a sorcerer here now don't we" The elf said still patting me on the back. "And a very young one at that." Another elf said. A very large bearded elf came over and picked me up and swung me around like a ragdoll laughing. "Please don't hurt me!" Yep i'm a big chicken but I was scared half to death and I didn't know what to do. "Oh don't worry we won't hurt you little one you saved our sorry behinds." Yeah I guess I did save them from that armor didn't I? "Come on Ardin put him down your scaring him." One of the elvs said laughing. After he put me down they all looked at me curiously. "How did you defeat that army any way?" "Well ummm........." I really didn't know what to say all I did know is the book sucked them in. "Well come on lad spit it out." The elvs were staring at me waiting for my awnser.

Okay I re- wrote it and it still has a lot of flaws but what do you think this time?