Published March 3, 2009
It was calm outside. The wind was blowing, but not to hard. The time is 8:59 p.m. it is very calm out here. The only noise that can be heard are the crickets in the wheat field, and the cars that rarely pass the red, old barn. Beside the barn was a green tractor, which was rusted. Just a little. This particular barn was old and painted red. The red paint was worn, but not too much. The barn itself is quite unstable. The inside of the barn isn't that much better than the outside. There are no stables in this barn .There was a red gas can sitting inside of the middle of this barn. but to the left there was a shelf. On this shelf there was a hammer, nails, a chainsaw, a hacksaw, and a cordless nail gun. In the far right corner of this barn there was a small trap door. If one would lift up this door, they might find a quite unpleasant oder. It smelled like a wet dog mixed with a dead rabbit that had been rotting for two weeks. With the smell put aside, when a particular human being would lift this door up, they would see a latter. Now, let's put someone in a situation like this.
I already have chapter one finished. I will post it soon.Be harsh with the comments on what could be fixed.
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140,910 Literary Works • 673,728 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...so well before I dive deeper into this piece I do have to start out by saying that you could perhaps use a couple of paragraphs here. This is almost short enough that it doesn't really need to be put into a couple of paragraphs, but I think the flow here could still benefit a little from being split up into a paragraph or two.
No moving past that small issue, I do actually quite like the base that you've got established here. There's a very solid bit of description here and enough very curious details there to get us readers wondering what's happening here and making us want to find out more. I think you've done a great job as far as that's concerned. You really manage to give us a vivid picture of everything and make us question what sort of plot is lurking beneath it all just from the description alone.
I think that makes this a rather good start here. I'm definitely interested enough to want to read more just from this alone so with characters it'll only get better. So all this could do with is just a little split into two paragraphs.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey!
It smelled like a wet dog mixed with a dead rabbit that had been rotting for two weeks. love this description!! With the smell put aside, when a particular human being would lift this door up, they would see a latter. This should be ladder. Latter means the second of two objects and Ladder is the climbing thing. Now, let's put someone in a situation like this
Let's just get the critique through first
It was calm outside. The wind was blowing, but not to hard. The time is 8:59 p.m.Tense change... Not really sure why. it is very calm out here. Kind of redundant The only noise that can be heard are the crickets in the wheat field, and the cars that rarely pass the red, old barn. Beside the barn was a green tractor,The tense returned to the past which was rusted. Just a little. I don't really like this as a separate sentence. Maybe add it to the previous sentence with a comma after rusted and the word but before "just" This particular barn was old and painted red. The red paint was worn, but not too much. The barn itself is quite unstable. Tense switched again The inside of the barn isn't that much better than the outside. There are no stables in this barn .There was a red gas can sitting inside of the middle of this barn. but to the left there was a shelf. This sentence confused me. Was there a reason the shelf shouldn't be there? Maybe you should just take out the word but On this shelf there was a hammer, nails, a chainsaw, a hacksaw, and a cordless nail gun. In the far right corner of this barn there was a small trap door. If one would lift up this door, they might find a quite unpleasant oder. I think this should be "odor". Oder is a type of poem
Okay so I like this. You just have to watch your tenses because they frequently get changed and this will confuse the reader. I think you should also switch up the descriptions in the first part of the paragraph. Instead of saying the tractor was rusted, describe how the green paint was falling off mixed with the reddish brown rust. This sounds like a great beginning for a horror story! I can't wait to read more. Good luck! PM me when you post more!
~Dommy