Published August 14, 2009
The slow bond
of an old grey man
and beautiful young woman
moves about the sides of a joke
and the gentle motions they share
He looks at her so lightly
there's great fear he will brake her
with a careless look
in a moment of pain
More fire to the burns within
makes him stop from time to time
because it's what's needed
to not stop at all
Her care knows its pull
and her softness carries a toll
the richest of people
cannot pay
Here the old man unknowingly soars
it's her search for feeling so great
that puts him in the place
he so longs to be
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This is a nice piece that is well done. You could do better to describe the woman and the man, maybe add an action, something to add a bit more depth. It feels like you could have worked harder to empathize with the character, to make them feel real. Apart from that, it is a good poem, every word has it's place, it's well described, not only with good language, but with smaller hints that could suggest more than the sentences themselves.
Keep writing
Hello :]
I would love to review.
Gramatical Structure
Overall, the layout and structure, is fine. But could be better, by decreasing the amount written on certain lines. But, it flows well, so getting rid of some extra words, could affect the flow, so be careful. Also, during this poem. You had no grammar. You need to look back at it and add in the necissary grammar.
The content
The wording is great. However, there could be more to it. Nothing really happens. It's dramatic right? then make it dramatic, feel the drama more. Also, I think you could add length to it all, to improve it.
Overall
I think it is a very well done piece, that just needs some editing to be great!