z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Untitled no. 1

by Caitlinjane123


It was an oddly warm winters day, the day we both decided to leave town. For good.

You might be slightly confused by this statement, so I’ll start from the very beginning.

We were both 19, young and stupid, when we fell in love. His name was James Wiseman and mine was, well is, Natalia Banes. It’s the classic modern fairytale, we met at a party neither of us wanted to go to. That night we exchanged phone numbers and found that we had nearly nothing in common, apart from the fact that we both had divorced parents that no longer spoke. The following week I received a phone call, it was James. He asked if I would like to meet him for coffee later that day, so I said yes. (He later explained that he didn’t call sooner because one of his friends said it would be, and I quote, “uncool”). At the coffee shop, we began talking as if we had known each other our entire lives. I found out he was an arts major at UNSW (we ended up having more in common than originally thought) and had a passion for both literature and art, I explained to him that I was a freelance artist, much to the annoyance of BOTH my parents, and was currently living on friends couches.

A couple months later, our relationship had progressed, we had recently become official and our friends had insisted on “shipping” us as “Jalia”. (I agree it’s terrible but they had insisted on it). James and I fell in love quickly but both had trouble expressing it until, one day when we had officially moved in together and I had found a part time job as a waitress at the cafe where we had our first unofficial date, I said that I loved him. Now keep in mind we were both very drunk at the time (well I was at least, after arriving home from a night out with friends), but in spite of this I still meant every word of that three worded sentence. The next morning he asked if I remembered anything from the previous night and I replied no (I had lied because I was scared of the reply), however within the next week he whispered in my ear when he thought i was asleep “I love you” of course I replied to this and said that I loved him to, much to his surprise, and we both fell asleep smiling in each others arms. (Cheesy, I know but it’s what happened).

A month or so later, our relationship had progressed, quickly, as we had gotten engaged and met each others parents, much to their dismay we had planned to have an extremely small ceremony with 5 or 6 of our closest friends within the next few weeks. The week before we were due to be married I broke down and I couldn’t do it, so I took off. Since we were living in Sydney at the time I caught the first bus to Melbourne I could find tickets for, leaving behind a note explaining everything. And believe me I never looked back.

I felt like I wasn’t ready because I was far to young. I have heard from distant friends that he met someone else the following year, was engaged 3 years later, and married within 10 months. Apparently he has children now. A boy and two girls. With me however, well I may have not been ready at that time but eventually, I was. At age 26. I “quit” my job as a freelance artist, sold my studio, and went back to school within a year of leaving. I chose to study teaching and childcare, and became an art teacher at a local high school. At university, I met a guy with whom I fell in love with. Not as intense, and not as quickly, but it felt even more real than it had with the so called James Wiseman. So now, at age 43, I have chosen to write the story of us because if I hadn’t met him I wouldn’t have ended up where I am now. With three kids. The oldest (James, yes I named him after THE James but I have kept that to myself) age 15, middle (Regan) age 14, and the youngest (Adira) age 5.

I can now say that I am truly happy, with absolutely no regrets. In a happy marriage, with three wonderful children. Happier than I could ever have been with him, and I am sure he is happier with his wife than he could have ever been with me.


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Fri Jun 24, 2016 12:11 am
Sydm0512 wrote a review...



Hi! I thought your story was really good, and it really interested me. I thought your story was captivating to the reader, and I liked how it had a certain tone of casualty to it when reading it aloud. However, I do have a couple minor critiques.
Your first line was very intriguing, however it doesn't exactly flow with the rest of your story. It almost sets the scene for two people who are running away together from something they did together.
Also, I like how you put in narrative thoughts in parenthesis. However in your first paragraph, when you say, "I found out he was an arts major at UNSW (We ended up having more in common than originally thought) ". I would end the sentence after UNSW, and not have the parenthesis. And for grammatical purposes, make it, "I originally had thought".
In your second paragraph you reference "shipping" which is a modern day thing. You also say that today the main character is 43. So when she was younger, shipping wouldn't really be a thing, unless she was young in this day in age, and is telling the story from the future. If that was the case there would just need to be further clarification of that.
All in all I thought your story was really good, and I liked how the main character continuously reassured that she was happy with how her life turned out, but there was a slight melancholic undertone to the last couple paragraphs.
I feel like her naming her kid after James could be interpreted one of two ways. Either she's still hung up on him, and wishes she was with him, or she's glad that she knew him, and that he was a good part of her life that should be remembered.
Keep up the good work!




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Thu Jun 23, 2016 11:24 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm really interested by what you've written here, it's very fast pace and straight to the point and I'm guessing it's a summary of what happened before you go into deeper detail? The way you have portrayed the main character.. it seems she's not really over the relationship with James .The fact she's named her child after him, the fact she's reassuring herself that she's "In a happy marriage", and the fact she's actually writing about James (rather than memories with her husband) shows this. So yeah, you've created a lot of ambiguity - also, within the last sentence "happier ....than he could have been with me" that stands out for me. It almost sounds as if she's disappointed by this - and I assume the story would go on to reveal that more?

My only criticisms - the way you start your sentences- I think you should vary it more. You've started two paragraphs with "our relationship had progressed" - to keep the reader hooked vary how you write sentences. The way you've written it sounds like an account of events- sort of listing them. I think you should probably add more description for the reader to get a better image but that's just my opinion.

Overall this is awesome so keep it up! :)




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Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:51 am
MickeyWarrior says...



I liked your concept and the fact that is was so informal that it had me guessing weather it is fiction or non-fiction. I am normally not a fan of "author" input in the middle of paragraphs but you integrated them so well that they added personality to the piece. If this is non-fiction, I am so happy for you that you found your happy ending.:)




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Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:45 am
reikann wrote a review...



First off - this does, indeed, need a description and a title. It's both common courtesy for the reader and better off for the work. I suggest just using your first or third line for a description; they grab interest well enough to work.
The first line is strong. It never fits into the piece again. It should.
The ending, where the couple doesn't end up together, gives this piece the potential to be something harder-hitting than a romance. I like that.
If, as the author says, she never looked back, why did she name her eldest son after him? And why is she telling this story now?
I would definitely recommend doing a second draft of this, because it could be far better. The easiest way to improve this would be to give it a second readthrough (or hand it to someone else you trust) and fix all the spelling and grammar errors. The next level, add some more in the middle where the relationship between James and Natalie is explorer further - why did they work? Why didn't they? One moment of their relationship is explored, and that's good - do more of that. On the final, hardest level, take a moment to sit back and think about what story this is trying to tell, exactly. Is it the wistful remembrance of a married woman of a past romance? Is it the story of why Jalia didn't work out? Figure out what the heart of this story is and write with that in mind.
Good luck in the future!





You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender