nothing feels as right
as the cold sheets between us
and the disconnected space
where lovers’ hands would meet,
if we had ever been so lucky.
your sleeping form is fueled
by the blackened dreams of alcohol
and the rush of cocaine,
spilled so casually on the table,
your eyes on mine as you took a hit and told me,
‘i don’t need a lecture.’
i wake with a misplaced smile
and anxiety wrapped around my lungs
and i realize, as ever,
i have fallen into the dream that is you.
the taste of the way i once loved you
is bitter truth mixed
with the stale residue of tequila and vomit.
i am still drunk when i stand,
a byproduct of too much alcohol,
too much time, and too much of your company.
when i steal away from you,
it is remarkably reminiscent;
i take flight without once looking back
and though you stir, you do not speak to me.
i know this will not be the last time
i am drawn to you.
i am addicted to you
like i am addicted to sugar, dopamine, adrenaline
and the air around which gives me life,
i know i do not need you, but
i love the way the world melts away in your presence.
you are the very edge of narcissism
and i crave your broken soul
as a crutch to my own.
but listen, love;
i don’t mean to scold you,
i just couldn’t stand to see
those tiny fragments of humanity
hushed away by intoxication, and implications
and life painted black -
just the way you like it;
when i think of you,
i
don’t want to crave cocaine.
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
This is beautifull writing.
I was so engaged in this from beginning to end, and honestly, I just sat in front of my screen speechless for a few minutes. This is such a haunting piece which perfectly desribes a daunting love and the roller-coaster it is. The figurative language you use is phenomenal... "And anxiety wrapped around my lungs." "... By the blackened dreams of alcohol." Wow. This is such a complex and tragic relationship, and you let us in on the gruesome details. I am so, so, so impressed!
I really do hope I get a chance to read more of your writing. You're a fantastic writer!
~ FearlessLove4
Thank you! I`m glad you liked it.
Hey there, I'm here for a quick review.
So, this is really very nice. I really like it. Your message is nice and clear, that the narrator is in love with someone who is involved in a very destructive lifestyle and won't listen to the narrator's warnings.
I've really only got a few nitpicks for you.
I feel like there should be a stanza break after "if we had ever been so lucky." Just because it's kind of a change of topic, I think it would read a little bit better.
I understand that when the narrator leaves the other person, they don't look back, and it feels good to be free for a while.
However, "it is remarkably reminiscent" doesn't really make sense to me. Usually, you would say it is "reminiscent of" something, and in general the word reminiscent seems to imply that the narrator looks back fondly on the time they spent, instead of feeling liberated like the rest of the stanza claims.
I'm not a big fan of the second and third lines of this stanza. Something about it just doesn't flow well to me. I think it might just be the list of all the different things the narrator's addicted to. It almost makes it seem like she's addicted to a lot of things, which is at odds with how the rest of the poem says that it's the other person who's addicted to a bunch of stuff.
I don't usually nitpick grammar in poems, just because it's the poets choice, but normally you would have a colon there, not a semicolon. The semicolon threw me off a bit.
You randomly change tenses in here, with the "don't" being present and the "couldn't" being past. I'd recommend changing one of those so that they're both in the same tense. It'll just flow better.
I feel like "when I think of you" shouldn't be part of that stanza. Instead, you could have it be its own one-line stanza, or you could have it be in the same stanza as "i".
And that's all I've got for you! This really was an excellent poem, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you. Good luck and keep writing!
I agree that there should be a stanza break there.
The narrator `looking back`was meant literally as opposed to the figurative way of `reminiscing`. I will however take a look over that line and think about editing it!
I appreciate your nitpicks but I think many of them are a bit more related to style and I`m honestly going to keep a lot of the lines you suggested changing. That doesn`t mean I don`t appreciate your feedback however. Thank you for the great review! I like seeing people put effort into reviewing my work.
You've captured the essence of love in this form perfectly. It's twist and turns...the addiction but most importantly knowing that it isn't the perfect definition of love. I like the reference to the drugs throughout the poem, it brings it to reality and I think many people can really relate to it. My favourite part is the beginning- "nothing feels as right" she still has to leave.
I also really liked this line "anxiety wrapped around my lungs". I think that's what it feels like. You've really mixed the meaning of it and the actual words together perfectly.
I also thought the ending was great. So simple and abrupt it makes it more real.
I also loved the way there was a constant conflict of emotions throughout the verses.
Tick tock
Thank you! I appreciate your feedback and I`m glad you enjoyed it.
This isn't a review; although, I may come back and review it later. I feel lazy at the moment and just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate the simplicity in structure yet heaviness in context and detail this poem carries. The words almost sound familiar in my head as if I wrote them, and I think it is truly extraordinary.
There are some minor flaws that I believe can be fixed to allow the poem to maintain its flow but like I said, I will likely come back later.
Hey! Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'd love it if you could review and let me know what I could do to make it better. Thanks!
Hello Cairo. Once again, racket here to review your poetry. I am sensing a theme in these...
Okay, so again, your imagery and details are very well done and the metaphors and analogies are superb. You paint a perfect picture in your poem of the narrator's feelings, the setting, the past between the two characters, their habits in life, everything. This is really, really good!
I like your choice to take out all capitalization, as you did in the other poem I reviewed. It fits well in this poem as well.
Just a few suggestions.
Your first stanza is twice the size of the rest, so I feel like you should break it up, though it does flow well. I like how this stanza is just the sleeping and background and memories of the narrator... I would suggest breaking it into two in between the lines 'if we had ever been so lucky.' and 'your sleeping form is fueled'.
Again, I am loving your metaphors! They are perfect in context and just so, so wonderful to read, no matter the slightly depressing atmosphere.
Suggestion number two: Your last two lines. Well, I think it is interesting how you broke them up, but it does kind of disrupt the flow of the poem, and I think it would be better if you put two spaces between that last stanza and the last line for emphasis, and then put the 'i' and the 'don't want to crave cocaine.' in the same line at the end. I feel like that would emphasize your narrator's needs better, in a smoother way.
These two paragraphs contradict each other. Maybe if you put them in a different order it would work better? You explain your narrator's reasons for not being drawn to the other character later, but it does confuse the reader for a bit there, with the direct contradiction. I think it's up to you as to how you want to fix that, but it is slightly confusing (which may have been the feeling you were trying to convey...) and... yeah. These two stanzas just don't work so well next to each other.
Besides those three things, this is amazing. I really love your writing style; it's so realistic and relatable in the conflicting thoughts and such. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this! Keep up the great work!
~racket
Hi Racket. Thanks for the review. Your feedback is quite comprehensive, which I appreciate.
I was actually looking at the first stanza and I think you're right, it does need to be separated to make sense and flow better. I'll definitely do that.
Also, that sounds like a good way to make the last line fit in better. I've reworked it so many times trying to get up to that point smoothly and this was the best I could get... I never tried your suggestion tho, and I think that might be the way to go.
On your last comment: the line actually says "I know this will not be the last time / I am drawn to you," so it doesn't conflict with the next line.
There is definitely a theme here... More than possibly I'll be posting something that connects the 2 (?) men in the poems, as they are very real people... Anyhow. Thanks again!
-Cairo
Your welcome! Glad I could help.