Young Writers Society

Tigerlilly here to review on this wonderful review day!

Okay, first off, I wanted to say I really enjoyed the way you structured your poem. The stanzas are spaced out in a wonderful way that both organizes the poem and also helps with the way I read it.

One thing I would change, however, is the capitalization. Now, this is just me, but I think with the seriousness of this poem a capitalized letter when starting a sentence just seems necessary. Still, it's totally up to you so you can leave it the way it is if you want.

Overall, I really loved this poem. You have a lot of potential as a author/poet and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future.

Keep writing, my friend!

Hi Cairo!

Okay, so there are a lot of really good things with this poem, and there are several things I think could be improved.

With the good things, you have a really nice voice here, and your pacing and sentence structures are all really solid. I think everything that relates to technicalities is perfectly fine.

I think what really gets me in this poem is the vagueness of it all. You have all these looks and silences, but I can't guess at what they mean. Why are these characters saying yes or no? What is the question at stake? You have a lot of good emotion words, but I don't know why they're here, and I can't really feel them myself unless I get closer to an understanding.
I understand that someone probably wasn't faithful to someone else, with the monogamy aspect of this... but there are a lot of thing I'm not sure about, like the insecurities and these yes or no things are really making me wonder.

The line where you related eyes to boats struck me as a little strange. I usually don't see boats in the eyes of other people, you know? It's not the image that comes to mind.

There's one point in here that I felt like you said "you and i" too much for such a short section. I think it was the "horrible collision" part.

Speaking of horrible collision, I feel like a few of the words you used here were kind of... empty? Like horrible for example. It doesn't bring much to the table.

And that's what I have. This is already a pretty dang solid poem. Great job as always.
Keep writing!
~fortis

WOW! You are so talented this piece is so great and meaningful! I see you going far with our writing in the future.

Hi! Storygirl95 dropping by for a review!
I liked this. It was a quick look at a moment in these two character's lives. It seems very melancholic. I like the mention of the moving bodies around them, because it provides a stark contrast to the moment of perceived stillness in their own lives.
Am i correct to assume that one cheated on the other then and was asking if they wanted to leave?
This type of situation is always difficult, and the emotions are rampant. I like how you manage to keep this present while also managing to keep it calm and muted, like the fate of the characters is unsure. I really enjoyed the imagery of the two different eye colors clashing and the moment of remembered passion. I also enjoyed the line, " Just the intensity of my sensitivity."
The last two lines capture the feelings of the moment. If they say they don't want you, you can move on. Accept what happened. If they say they do, the guilt will forever remain in your heart. To know you've done something so terrible but to be forgiven. Guilt is a strong emotion.
This piece is like a little glimpse into the human soul, and I commend you for writing it.
I don't see anything really wrong with it, besides maybe that you should go through and capitalize the I when it appears.
Thanks for letting me read this. Good job and keep writing!