Interim Chapter
Lucian’s phone buzzed inside the pocket of his suit pants.
“If you’ll excuse me,” he said, voice as elegant as his manicured hands.
He turned away from his opponent across the chessboard, Morgan, his raven-haired daughter, very much like what he had been thirty years ago.
In the background, classical music hummed, the notes wafting out the open crystal sliding doors and into the spacious patio deck where the two sat.
Lucian stood and walked a brief distance away from his daughter.
The phone proclaimed the number to be reserved—there could only be few people like that.
“Yes?” he asked, briskly, a single polished leather shoe tapping on the wooden floor.
“Mr. Daemohaus—sir-- I found them” said the voice at the other end, chattering rapidly, as if afraid of being overheard or stopped.
Morgan watched as her father’s lined face morphed from its usual calm expression to one of extreme surprise – though in his case it was manifested by the arching of a single black eyebrow.
“They both have the gift?” he demanded, now pacing urgently back and forth, following the white banisters “Tell me!”
“I think so… they’re powerful all right” and with that, the line clicked dead.
This was followed by a second of tense silence when Lucian’s shoulders heaved –he was trying to control his eagerness—and he adjusted his red cravat, fixing the fiery rose that sprouted from his breast pocket in a tick-like gesture that so annoyed Morgan.
Then, completely calm once again, Lucian dialed a new number.
“He has to know,” he muttered. “I can’t deal with both of them…”
The reply came almost immediately , curt and brusque “What is it?”
“Listen—this is important,” snapped Lucian. “I found them!”
Silence.
“The spirit guardians? How is this possible?”
“I, as you surely do, have spies in each orphanage—a woman by the name of Shilda told me about the two”
“They’re too dangerous, then—we must kill them—it’s the safest way”
“No we don’t kill them!” exclaimed Lucian. “Have you any idea the chaos that would bring? Look, pass me your husband already”
A few seconds of silence, then a new, more masculine voice. “Lucian? It’s been a while. I see you found the children… when would you want us to take them?”
“Tomorrow,” was Lucian’s curt reply. “Both of us at the same time”
The line dropped.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
its the best, and im ready for chapter three,you should make this a book!
The phone call has been modified and is -hopefully- clearer
Yes, I agree that the dialogue is a bit unclear. I didn't really have an idea what Lucian was talking about on the phone in the first place, and then it seems as if there's a lot of hanging up and confusion after that. So my advice would be to just keep it simple, and perhaps tell us what the character is saying at the other end of the line. We might be able to follow the conversation better that way.
Best of luck! Hope I helped!
Also, you might want to clear up Morgan's introduction as well. In the beginning, you simply describe her as a young woman that looks like Lucian. Then you tell us Lucian takes a few steps away from his daughter, and I can only assume that the young woman was his daughter. And then you just throw her name out as Morgan. So it's a lot of unnecessary confusion to me. If you would just introduce her right away as Morgan, Lucian's 20-some year old daughter with raven hair that looks just like her father, it would stop all that confusion later on.
I enjoyed the description of the beautiful, rich house and how wealthy you made this family seem. That part you did very well!
A few things should be cleared up here before you move on, but I feel like this is going to be a good story
Thanks
Hey LumI!
Alright, so I have a doubt. Is this fifty year old man you're talking about Lucian himself? Because if that's the case, I'd like you to simplify it since this part was a tad confusing.Here to review on request. I'll keep it short.
I have to begin by saying that this was very short for a chapter. It more felt like a prologue. You know, the chapter's are not really judged by their length but the story building they do. So even in that case, I feel that this doesn't pass for a chapter. Maybe you could continue whatever's next from her itself. Anyways, it's not that big an issue but just felt I should bring it to your notice.
Secondly, your dialogues were a bit confusing. Actually, let me rephrase it. Not the dialogues itself but the way you had written them down. I actually had to re-read them so I could understand who was saying what. It was totally unclear during the whole time who was saying the dialogues. The fact that they were talking on the phone makes it more tough. So, I'd like you to clean that bit and make it more clear. Clarity, is what you need to get here.
Other than that, I didn't really understand what the story is about, which I think might be a good if it's a thriller. There's a mystery shrouding the piece and I really want to know what it is they were talking of her. Who the two found people were. So, do notify me when you post the next chapter.
You have good writing skills for your age and there weren't much of grammatical errors so you're pretty much covered. It's just the story and dialog you need to work on.
Hope this helps,
Mia
Thank you for the review, and I did realize many parts were confusing, but I wouldn't actually know, as a matter of fact, how to make the phone call bit clearer