The Story of the Celadon Shield

June 2, 2008
Short Story: Historical Fiction, General
5 comments (3 reviews)

One time during the first quarter of the school year, my Arts teacher taught us the history of Chinese Art and this included the celadon plates with which Chinese people used to 'ensure their food' and this is so because celadon plates were known to break when the food served upon is poisoned.

This knowledge encouraged me to write a story about it and so this is it:

Once, there was a Roman named Kastor who traded off 200 gold pieces for the biggest and of the most high quality celadon plate he found in China. A few days later, he decided to sail back to his homeland in Rome. His travel took a month, which is as long as when he traveled from Rome to China.

As he got down his ship, he proceeded to his house near an Amphitheater. He reached his house but as he opens the door, a gladiator named Arkantos rushed to him and asked.

“Excuse me, I would like to borrow that shield,” said Arkantos hurriedly as he mistook the plate to be a shield.

“What? This isn't-” Kastor answered but Arkantos continued speaking.

“I’ll pay you for it just lend me that shield,” continued Arkantos.

Then, he suddenly grabbed the plate from Kastor and dropped a pouch of gold.

“Hey! Come back here!” shouted Kastor to the gladiator but then let him run away.

Then, he took the pouch and counted the gold pieces and found out that they're 200 gold pieces. He sighed.

Inside the Amphitheater, Arkantos prepares for his fight and then attached a handle to the plate so he can hold it like a shield. He went out to the arena and found out his opponent was a woman and was waiting for him to come out.

“Finally,” the woman shouted.

Then, she turned to the crowd, raising her arms.

“Whooh!” she exclaimed.

“I thought you are scared,” she spoke as she was moving towards to her enemy.

"You wished," answered Arkantos.

The woman was armed with a poisoned spear with a matching round shield on the other hand. Arkantos, on the other hand, was armed with a sword and his newly-bought "celadon shield".

The battle starts, and the woman noticed the celadon plate Arkantos was carrying.

“Why is he carrying a celadon plate?" the woman thought.

She was supposed to tell that to Arkantos but then thought of it as an advantage for her poisoned spear.

Knowing the fact that a celadon plate would break when poisoned food is placed upon as it was in China, attacked with her spear. Arkantos guarded himself with his “celadon shield” and it broke as the woman expected. Arkantos was surprised. But the spear went through the broken shield and pierced Arkantos’ chest and he got poisoned.

He fought back by knocking the woman off with a kick and he was declared the winner. He was brought to the nursing room to cure his wound and the poison but it was too bad that he didn't make it.

- The End -

Comments

Points: 890
Reviews: 158

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Sun Jun 08, 2008 11:13 am

Lauren wrote a review...

Whisperer, you've got some good ideas but some things are seriously holding you back. That's unfortunate because I can see the potential just waiting to come through.
Let me just give you some examples of where you have lost your way:

He reached his house but as he opens the door,

You changed tenses! That makes no sense. Don't worry though, I've seen this a lot - you just need to revise which to use and when to switch.

and found out that they're 200 gold pieces

This just doesn't sound right. Mainly because they’re means ‘they are’. But as it is in the past tense, it should be ‘they were’.

Then, he took the pouch and counted the gold pieces and found out that they're 200 gold pieces. He sighed.
Inside the Amphitheater, Arkantos prepares for his fight and then attached a handle to the plate so he can hold it like a shield. He went out to the arena and found out his opponent was a woman and was waiting for him to come ou

You have changed tenses again. This really detracts from your work and is a pity.

The battle starts, and the woman noticed the celadon plate Arkantos was carrying.

Tense change again.

Knowing the fact that a celadon plate would break when poisoned food is placed upon it, as it was in China,

(Corrections in bold)

Okay, so overall I like your ideas. You've stayed away from menial subjects and tried to entertain and enlighten as about legend(?) at the same time. Great idea! Only, your writing needs some work (it is all 'this happened', 'that happened' rather than good, powerhouse wording) and you deffo have some issues with the tenses.

Hope I helped!

Points: 1090
Reviews: 83

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Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:59 am

Raimunda wrote a review...

I loved th beginning. I really, really did, I thought it sounded like th beginning of a fable or a fairytale.

But now I hate you because you changed the story from serious to...well, I don't know if it was supposed to be funny or tragic. If it was supposed to be tragic, I think you needed to develop the characters more. If it was supposed to be funny, maybe it just didnt appeal to my sense of humor.

But maybe you were trying to get acoss a hidden meaning, like, karma- the man stole a plate and he died? Did something bad and got something bad. In which case, it was kinda smart!

But overall I really, really wanted it to be like a fairtytale, but its your story, and as long as you like where you're going dont listen to a word I say, cos it ent mine, man.

x

Points: 9616
Reviews: 263

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Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:10 am

Caerulean says...

Sorry. I wasn't able to edit that one much because I was really hurrying. I posted that up late at 1:00 a.m. and my mom already locked me out. Fortunately, she opened the door a few moments later.

Points: 22
Reviews: 365

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Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:42 pm

Fishr wrote a review...

Hello, Whisperer!

Welcome to the official and most addictive writing website that’s around, much less welcome to YWS!

Since you are new, you may have not read all the rules applied to the Lit Forums. One rule that should be followed since it’s a fair trade off for everyone is that you must post two reviews first, then post a story. This means there is a ration – 2:1. For every story you post, two reviews are to be done afterwards as a common curtsey and so it doesn’t flood the forums and discourage other writers.

*

On to the story!

Well, first thing is first. For starters, for someone like myself who regularly writes Historic Fiction, I do not think this piece fits here because there is nothing history related going on here. Perhaps with some research, you might try your hand with the Roman Coliseum and the battles that took place within the circle, except why is China involved??? Perhaps find a Mod, and move this story to Other Fiction for now.

Once upon a time,

OK, no, just no. Please for the love of sanity remove that line entirely. If you were like six years old, then the “Once upon a time,” scenario would have been acceptable.

Second, learn how to space out your dialogue tags. The character’s voices are all jumbled up into one paragraph and good Lord it makes my brain want to run for the hills trying to keep track who’s speaking and where.

For instance;
“Hello, how are you,” Mark said, then smiled.
“I am doing well. Thank you,” Josh said by returning Mark’s friendly demeanor.
“Going to the game this Friday?”
“No. I have homework,” Josh replied glumly.

That’s the proper way to use dialogue tags as well as spacing out the lines so it flows better and your reader won’t end up with migraines.; ) As a writer, you want to keep your reader interested, not scare them off.

Third, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in your story. It simply does not make any sense whatsoever. Not to mention, the ending was just as confusing. The guy just died, like in a blink of an eye? I barely had a chance to get to know the character(s) before the dude died so easily, then that’s it. The End? Do not rush your story. Take your time by adding descriptions. Show us where your characters are, what might be going through their mind before they do battle, describe briefly each character so we might be able see how they look to us, and describe the setting.

After the descriptions, work on conflict because there really isn’t anything worthwhile going on in this story I found interesting. Through the discovery of a common conflict, a general plot should surface, and then you’ll end up with a general outline where you can really take this story and send the reader off into your world.

Work on those three suggestions – First, Second, Third – and see if your story improves with editing and some experimenting.

Good luck!

Young Writers Society

The Story of the Celadon Shield

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