Published February 26, 2011
UPDATE: I recorded the song now. 
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_3-4xG93ro
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141,480 Literary Works • 674,507 Reviews
Dude, you need to sing louder. It's hard to hear you on youtube. As for the lyric itself, I think it was much better than the "Pillow" one, although it still has a feeling like it's lacking something.
Ingat ka!!
Hey Twin, I was waiting for the link. Guess you were too lazy to give someone whom you're requesting a review from the link, huh? LOL But anyway, I went to your portfolio and I had to scroll down to get here! Roar... wahahahah... Here it goes.
First, I'll have to say that the formatting is fine. You'll see loads of lyrics site which centers the words - the lyrics. That doesn't matter much anyway. I'll be moving on to more important things. I don't have the time review the reviews before me so I hope you bear with me 'cause I might sound repetitive.
Here, the right form of be that we should use here is was. If you stop there for a second and thought about it for awhile, you'll see that the consistency is gone with the tenses 'cause you used when, and that time was "before", unlike in this sentence:
Wait, I'll try to make myself clearer here. Ummm...
Better. =)
OK, I have another confusing part here:
What is that it referring to? You changed the sense/thing that pronoun (it) was referring to. What is it? Was it still "the answer"? What was impossible? It's kind of vague and leaves a listener in confusion. I'm trying to get into the feeling of this, but I'm just a wee bit confused.
Please, please... don't bring in another girl here. *frowns* Haha... This bridge doesn't rhyme, doesn't bring up a climax to the song, and doesn't vary from the melody to add spice. I'm even disappointed that you brought up a thought like that. Undying love. But then you could still love - love less. Hihi... =)) But it's your song.
Nice addition! I love additions and wee alterations in the last choruses like that. Hihi...
I don't know if you want me to review the music too, but I'll do it anyway. 'Cause I'm itching to do so. OK... The song - music and lyrics - itself is nice. For me, it's a bit of cliche, like what bands sing to hypnotize people into their songs. Hihi... Didn't bring up anything different from what you can hear on the radio, like, nine out of ten songs? *shrugs* But, that's not a turn down. That means that the "mass" will accept it, I think. That's a compliment actually if you're wishing to be known (here in Phils, it's that easy!). On the negative side though of what I've said, it doesn't add anything significant to the world of literature. But I know you're not aiming for that, so that's OK...
OK, I'll move on to the music. The accompaniment was actually good. It is suitable for the song - slow and soft. So, thumbs up for that. My problem with the piano was that you were using the melody. It's annoying to hear... It'll be easier for me to explain in Filipino. Are there mods out there? Please give me one paragraph of Filipino, just to clearly explain myself, please? =P OK, in accompaniment, you don't put in the melody. You put harmony to accompany your singing, get it? Gah... why is it so hard. Pasundot-sundot lang yung melody, hindi yung buong kanta tinutugtog mo ring sa piano. You don't use the same notes - same notes, as in, the same notes that you use to sing. Does that make sense now? Haha...
Another thing is, when you've gotten to the second stanza, you were trying to "deepen" the notes, and, well, it didn't work out. I'd suggest you keep the soft, melo tone to it. Yep, throughout the song.
That's all really. I'm blabbering now. Hihi... I really liked this. I liked the melody more than Pillows, 'cause this has some nice transitions. I like the title. Haha... It was simple. What else do I have to say? Oh... yeah. Keep writing! I hope I've helped point out some weak spots. I'm a PM away if you have any questions. =)
~ Twin ♥
I agree with idraax too. There are some parts that could use some work that could make this better. You can tell there is a story there, but I'm not exactly clear what it is. If you cleared it up a bit more, it could become a better piece. I do like it, and I like your writing. Keep writing, good job.
I agree with idraax. The format is kind of interesting.
But still , 'tis a great pair of lyrics. I like the message they send , and they would really sound well with a slow guitar in background.
You could have made the bridge longer and more dramatic, but still , 'tis a great pair of lyrics.
Keep up the good work.
Phoenix lands for a review.
My teacher said to never center your work unless their is a deep meaning to the centering. That would be possible for a poem in which the centering is important, but since this is a song meant to be heard then your centering is only done like this to look appealing. Try not to ever format a piece so that it looks appealing.
Second: I have to agree that parts of this are choppy and don't flow together, but that may just because I can't hear the melody to it. There are also parts that don't really make sense as Idra pointed out. When it comes to lyrics or poetry every line has to be crystal clear so the the genral audience can related. From what I can see there is a story to the song. You know the story, but the listener/reader does not, so you have to make it more clear.
Hope I helped a little.
Phoenix bursts into flames.
The format of this looks interesting. I tried singing it out-loud and it sounded choppy to me. Did you have a specific melody in mind when you wrote this? If so, can we hear it? It's easier to review a song when we know what melody the writer had in mind.
This part confused me, because you never told us the question.
This stanza was confusing because if you take a look at this it seems like you are answering the person, but in the line I quoted above it seems like you want an answer from the person. The song does not make it clear if it's both or one or the other.
This line was confusing too. Didn't you just promise the person that you'd love them?
Overall this seemed interesting and with a few clarifications I think I'd be a really good song. Keep writing!