Parasite: The Corruptive Shadow
Chapter 1: Unexpected
Darkness seemed to be untouched even though a life-changing incident was happening to me back then. Who would have thought that something like this would happen to a guy like me? I mean, who’d have thought that a knife would be pointed right at my throat, late at night, in this dark, narrow street? You’d think this is totally predictable, but if you’d ask me, I wasn’t really expecting it. I had always taken this street on my way home from school, even during the times when I leave school late. And I had always thought that it was safe even though people hardly had passed here.
I was doomed. At least…I thought I was. It felt like death had finally neared me, and this knife-wielding man seemed to be the dreadful grim reaper himself. This thought froze me. I was utterly struck with fear and nervousness inside. The cloaked stranger was looking straight into my eyes, and I tried hard to look back at his, wanting to be brave in such a situation. But fear grew in me as the seconds passed. It then started to rain, and the water easily drenched into my clothes. I stood still, letting myself get soaked completely as I held my nervousness inside. My heart was beating so fast.
“What do you want from me?” I said, trying to show some courage. Water was already dripping from my black hair.
“Your life,” he answered.
Why? I thought, surprised and breathless. My eyes slightly widened. Why not just take away my belongings?
“Parasites like you should stop existing in this world,” he continued. It was as if he heard one of the questions I had in my thoughts.
“Parasites?” I asked, though I already had an idea of what he meant.
“Don’t play dumb,” he said, the harshness was clear in his voice. “You know what I’m talking about!”
That clarified my thought. Darn it. A hunter!? I had been pursued by a hunter!? This is so unfortunate! There’s no way I can escape this.
I had always believed that hunters, if they really existed (and they did), would be trained, or at least, have some skills in fighting. This made me hesitant in thinking of trying to fight him. And he had a knife for crying out loud!
I stepped back, pathetically thinking of a way to overcome my pursuer. He stepped closer, his knife still pointing at my throat. I felt intimidated by his stance although he was only a little bit taller than I was. I let out a little breath as I gathered some confidence, quickly moved away from the blade, and kicked him from the side to his chest. As he faintly flinched, I began to run away and scream for help. He ran after me and that made me scared like heck again.
I reached the end of the street and turned to the right.
“Hey, you!” an unexpected voice called. It’s not the hunter.
I stopped running as I was surprised and turned around. It was a policeman on patrol who seemed to have only just arrived and he saw the cloaked man chasing me. The latter was surprised and hastily leaped on the brick wall that stood at his right and jumped down behind the bushes. The policeman drew his gun and pointed it to the direction of the hunter but it was already late. Realizing this, he snatched his walky-talky from his belt, made his brief report to the police station, and called for backup.
“Are you hurt?” he asked me after he put his walky-talky away, walking towards me.
I timidly shook my head with my mouth a bit open.
“Be careful next time, okay?” he said and left, running to the street where I came from.
I was left alone, and the nerves grew back as I felt the silence of the night.
I’m lucky enough to escape so quickly, I thought as I ran away and headed home. I’m not wasting this luck.
I reached our house and hurriedly rang the doorbell twice. I looked to my left and to my right, nearly panting with every look. The rain had already stopped, and the wind that passed me while I ran somehow dried me up a bit. I tried to calm myself as I waited for the wooden door in front of me to open. After some seconds, mom opened the door. The sight of her looking so relaxed in her white silk blouse and her wavy hair being untied made me a little calm.
“Why are you late?” she asked, her tone was soft. “Did something happen? You seem to be a little out of breath. And you look wet.”
Worry was evident in the way she spoke, but I didn’t want her to worry.
“I’m fine, mom,” I answered as casually as I could but my voice was shaking. I sniffed. “I’m just tired.”
Darn it. I caught a cold.
“Well, dinner’s getting cold,” she said. “Go eat now. We’re already done.”
We went inside and I locked the wooden door behind me. I stayed there for a moment, leaning my back on the door. I looked down, still trying to calm myself from the trauma that I had. I caught the smell of the food from the dining area and recognized that it was corned beef.
“Don’t forget to dry up,” mom said without looking at me as she climbed up the stairs to the left. “And wash your dishes after you’ve eaten.”
I kept silent and kept my head down. After a second or two, I went to the dining area, flicked on the light, and looked at the clock before finally sitting down to eat my dinner.
7:46 p.m. I read in my thought.
After I finished eating and washed the dishes, I went up to my room, locked the door, and turned on the light. I doffed my jacket, my shirt, and my undershirt, and dropped them in the laundry basket. They were all soaked. I sat on my bed and looked at the mirror at my left. Somehow, looking at my reflection let me take a quick hold of myself. I stared as I consciously breathed, my dark brown eyes nearly trembling. My hair was messed up, my bangs were scattered over my vision, and my face looked a little groggy. My thin but lean-muscled body looked frail and powerless.
I stood up again and took a pair of shorts from my closet, which was beside my mirror, and changed it with the pants that I was wearing. Then, I took a plain white shirt and put it on. I turned off the light and finally lay down on my bed, pulled my blanket over me, and turned myself to the right. I closed my eyes, listened to my breathing, calmed myself once and for all as I gave myself a quick review of the facts: I’m a seventeen year-old first year college student named Seth Skyheart and my life had just been threatened by a hunter. I am a vampire. I…feel unsafe.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Fine. I missed that spot. XD
With the link that you've given to me, it's clear that the past tense of lie is lay. You can't correct me that twin.
Oh, I was a bit turned off. I guess it'll be up to you now. x) Awww... don't think like that! PRACTICE! You can do it.
You're very much welcome. And hey, I like this idea of vampire thingy. It's not cliche.
Hey, Sir. I'm happy to be finally reviewing again. Please do take note that I don't have time to scan the previous reviews. I'm going to say what I wanna say. I do apologize if I will sound repetitive or whatever. Also, please do keep in mind that my review will be subjective since I'm more of a reader, not a critical analyst.
Since I'm going to skip grammar nitpicking (except maybe the serious ones), I might as well just go on with my comments on your story.
The first thing I'd want to discuss about is the introductory paragraph:
Starting the story with questions like these was a bit not cool for me. Why? Because the reader doesn't know anything about the story yet. It's a big, big turn off. Think about it, when you read...
Then answering it with a, "Did I? No. I never expected it."
I suggest that you start with statements. State the facts. Make the readers care for the protagonist, not make the reader confused with what was happening.
I have suggestion. Since this is action, why not experiment with more verbs than adverbs? I don't know. Just a thought. Don't take this seriously.
Oh dear, that was a bit... that felt a bit... awkward. It was like, whut?! He-he... It just felt like it was a line from some kiddie book.
Had to reread this. Turned out it made sense. I just don't like the way you're using too much exclamation points.
Grammar police alert! OK, I promised you I'd nitpick with the serious ones. Well, this isn't a serious one. If your character isn't that brilliant, this is fine. But if he is, I. "...a little bit taller than I."
Wait, wait... The escape was a bit too fast. I was like, "Wait, he already escaped?" Don't miss out on details. You have to emphasize on those happenings. Because if you didn't, the reader will get confused. Plus, this is action. Let your readers' hearts beat. Describe the sounds. How did his voice sound like? What was the sound of the rain as he ran? This is a novel. Not a short story in which you have limited time to describe extra but necessary details.
Wait, isn't nerves courage or something? Oh shoot. I have to update my slang vocab. Sorry 'bout this.
OK, speaking of necessary details, action is necessary here, but this? You can describe this later. What's important now is that you tell us in detail what was happening. These kinds of details are unnecessary for now. When I was reading it, I stopped for a second and said, "Whut?!" It was out of place. Can't you feel it? The reader was waiting for what the narrator was about to say and do, then you told us about what his mother was wearing! Mention it later. You should really take note of this. Details also should be inserted at the right time.
LAY. I know a lot of people get confused with this. I remember someone correcting me when I used "lay", referring to lie's past. Read this for more information.
OK. I really have to tell you about the character. First, he sounds hot. (LOL) The only problem I have with him is, he sounded so terrorized with the hunter; but he seemed so unemotional at the end. But whatever. I'm still knowing him. So yeah. This is where my review will end. I do hope you consider this. I tried to be objective so you wouldn't oppose everything I said again, but I can't. This review is subjective. Just so you know, you need it. You should learn to love it when people take the time to analyze your writing and point out the awkward parts. It will help you a lot. When you write, you tend to overlook holes. You probably know that by now.
Anyway, thanks for the request. I had fun reading it, though I feel like it doesn't seem so. IDK. I'm just kind of stressed out right now and it kind of showed in the review. Sorry. xD I miss you, Twin. But sadly, I'm still not back.
KEEP WRITING! I'm excited to read the rest.
Jash ♥
Well I hope this helped. Otherwise I found it pretty interesting. I won't go nitpicking at the rest of it. I mostly had issues with these bits.
Hey Whisperer! Here to review again. It's maybe going to be small since I really won't have much to say.
I don't see much of changes here. It's mostly the same that had happened earlier, and I am still going to stick by my point that it's a bit rushed in the end. I just felt that you were again in a hurry to wind this up.
Now what I would suggest you to do is that read all the reviews. Whatever you've received, even if it's a small tiny comment. Go through them carefully and take a paper with you. Writer down all the points people have poised in short bullet-wise on your page and then sit somewhere in silence. Read through them and then after that read your story again. The points with which you agree, should get a tick mark and other's should get a cross. This way you'll finally know what to work on. Again read your piece, and this time write down whatever you thought was missing.
Then comes the editing. Then step by step work on all the points you've finally made and then there would be no problem. Maybe you need to re-write it rather than just editing it.
Now I don't want to discourage you, but this still needs a lot of work. I had a look at your previous projects, and it was sure better than this. So you have it in you, but you just need to work a bit more on this. But I guarantee you that once you're through with it, you'll have an awesome piece.
Now I'll just list some points you need to work on in brief:
1. Setting--Where is it set in? How does the street look like? Is it with houses surrounding it or just a desolate street in middle of nowhere?
2. Emotions--How worried he is after he's been attacked? What all races through his mind?
3. Pace--You don't need to rush. Take one scene a day and write it with all the good language you could use, step by step. Don't miss out anything. And don't make it rush, but at the same time don't drag it without any reason.
Sorry if I were harsh, but this story has a great potential and I know you'll pull this off very well. ^_^
Thanks for the PM,
Shrubs
At first I was wondering how the style you presented the story in was going to work, but after reading it all I can confidentaly say that it did work quite well for you. Overall it was quite well written and I like the fact that it's only the first chapter, and we already have a basic plot established. that is a tough achievement for a lot of people, but I think you handled the task quite well.
Apart from what everyone else sugguested I'd just say keep writing. It seems off to a great start because of your establised plot, character and setting.
This is probably one of the best first chapters I've read here on YWS! Though it's a bit on the short side, it's gripping and, overall, very good. However, there are a few things I'd like to point out when reviewing you. Please keep in mind that a lot of these points I'll make are purely opinionated - how I'd write them if your story was mine. Here we go!
That first sentence is strong. I like the action in it - it makes the reader ask questions, which is always a great thing. What will happen next? Who's speaking? What's happening right now? It makes people want to keep reading. Great job. The only thing I'd change would be instead of writing "Who had thought", put "Who would've thought". There are also a few things I'd like to point out about this paragraph that have to do with your entire first chapter.
One grammatical habit I've seen you use is the "..." thing. Sometimes, this is a great tool. It can add suspense, thought. But in your case, I'd either just use the good ol' comma or break the sentence in half. For this sentence:
"Who'd thought that a knife would be pointed right at my throat...late at night...in this dark, narrow street?"
I would suggest either one of these replacements:
1. "Who would have thought that a knife would be pointed at my throat, late at night on this dark, narrow street?"
OR
2. "Who would have thought that knife would be pointed at my throat? Who would have thought that it would be this late at night on this dark, narrow street?"
You can apply this to other areas where you use the "..." thing, if you'd like. I just think it flows better. (:
The next point I'd like to make is that, when describing how the rain soaked the main character, you use the phrase "got wet" multiple times. Sometimes, if the chapter is long, you can get away with this technique. It can be really difficult not to repeat yourself, and some phrases don't really have alternate, similar sounding phrases. However, "got wet" does! Drenched, soaked, damp, there are many. Here are a few instances where you say "got wet":
"
Also, for the first instance, I'd say "immediately" instead of easily. If I were you, I'd look through your chapter and maybe replace a couple of these bland phrases (like "got wet") with more descriptive ones. Get creative; your character can be bland, or speak in a blunt tone, but that doesn't mean your word choice also has to be bland and blunt.
Overall, this story looks very interesting. The last nitpick I'll make is just the last line of the chapter.
I feel like this is a really boring way to end the chapter. Readers need a gripping end, something that'll make them want to keep reading. Maybe something like...
I feel...thirsty.
I feel...terrified.
I feel dangerously vulnerable.
Those are just a few options. Again, get creative - maybe give a little foreshadowing about what will happen in the next portion of the story.
Looking forward to reading the second chapter! Keep writing!
Hello, Son! I'm here to review for you! ^__^
Alright, so let's get started with this.
I would firstly loose the ...! you have in the beginning. It's seems sort of anti-climatic.
Also, I must say I really love this intro. It's quite good and definitely pulls the reader in which is plus...twenty points for you! ^__^
Alrighty, the bolded part does not answer the italic part therefore you can't exactly say that he answered the question. He could just be stating the reason but not exactly answering the question. Do you see what I mean? Or am I just digging into this too much? xD
The 'nervous feeling coming back' isn't the most descriptive way of saying that he was ricocheted back into feeling fear.
Try being a little more creative with your words.
Another thing that I don't really understand is why he would stop if someone called to him. I would just keep running. Now, if he saw the policeman first and then stopped, that's different. But he heard and then stopped, that little bit makes it a little weird, no?
This is the shortest and most blunt character description. xD
What color are his eyes? Hair? Try working more magic into this and be subtle about it. You don't want to flatly tell us what he looks like either.
ex:
I gazed into my reflection. My honey eyes watched each other and then strolled down to my thin but lean-muscled body.
The above sounds just a tad bit better. It isn't the best because I didn't put in hair color or whatnot but it's still better than what we had previously. ^^
Overall, I will agree with Shubs on the fact that you did seem to race through the chapter with little showing. I don't exactly mind but you might have to slow down a bit so we can easily put in some description and important information in this. I'm going to be honest and say that this isn't the best piece I've seen you write and I know you can do a little better than this. But perhaps there were some things that you didn't think over carefully. No worries, I've done that many times as well when I start writing a story. Because of this, I usually ask myself questions as I reread my chapters to stop myself from posting anything that might have second thoughts.
Now, the ending - I personally didn't like how you stated the was a vampire just like that. I would've liked a better intro to that part of him. I didn't realize this was going to be vampire story so you did surprise me in that aspect. ^^
Overall, I did like it but it was a bit too fast and needed some more explanation and a little more details and description. However, the story seems interesting and I do plan on reading the rest if you plan on posting it. ^^
Good luck with the rest of this and if you need me, you know where I live. ^___^
Hope this helped, son!
-Father
Of course I wanna read this! I'm taking a spot. And I'll put this in my reading list.
Hey Whisperer! Shubhi here to review, and since it's my first time reviewing you, I'd try to do my best.
What did he think?
Spoiler
The tenses seems wrong. It should be---"They all were wet."
Your starting is quite captivating. I did like the first sentence, but it was the next one which took me off guard. It made me wonder what possibly could have gone wrong with him/her. But on the other hand I would say that even though the first paragraph was fine, but till the next one it started seeming that you were going towards the telly kind of writing. But however you did come back with showing, but still I'd ask you to check it out or re-consider the first two paragraphs. It could(second) also be adjusted somewhere else. It's your call, though.
Wow, you had me in for shocks. I never predicted it was going to turn out a vampire story. Excellent. I loved the end you had, the way you told the readers who really he is. It was nice. Sweet and innovative. Now since this has got to do with something of a rivalry between vampires and their enemies, this is definitely going to be a thriller. I love vampire fiction, but sadly I haven't really read much. Actually, no book I've ever read except for Twilight series was remotely close to vampires, and reading this would definitely be a fun. But even though it's a much loved topic, you need to be more careful since people are ought to make comparisons with other vampire fiction and if not that you have to plan your story in such a way that it looks entirely your imagination. There has been so much of vampire fiction that it's very tough to think of new ideas for it, and moreover make it seem unique. But I won't comment anything on those notes, since it was the first chapter and I did like it.
Even though I liked it, there was a major thing in your writing which I personally didn't like. The Show vs. Tell thing. For most of your chapter, it was telling. I do agree that showing everything is also not the best idea, so you have to find a balance between the two. You did some showing, too, but I think the whole chapter seemed to blow past in a rush. I mean, he had just been attacked. For Christ's Sake, if it had been me, I would have completely shivered. I won't deny that you didn't bring the topic of his fear. It was there, but I just felt it could have been there more. Maybe it's my style of writing that I am dictating you to follow, but maybe you would like to focus on that part. Don't exaggerate, like I sometimes do, but don't even ignore it. Try to elaborate your scenes and work a bit on your descriptions. Like the scene with his mother could have been a bit done more nicely. I don't know, but maybe it's just me.
Also, I would like to know that why this guy didn't attack the Hunter. Was he fearful of being exposed or he is a non-violent man? I don't say that you should be including all these facts here, and don't even think of doing it, but I would like to say that it would be very good if you keep this question in mind and write the next chapter accordingly. That's just a question I'd like you to focus on. Other than that, I don't have much to say but that your writing is smooth and there was no grammar mistake that I could spot. The title 'Parasite' seems nice, too. I haven't read anything from you before so I can't say whether this was an improvement or not, but keep writing. And also keep in mind to search a lot on this subject and if possible try to read some vampire related fiction. Don't write then, when you're reading because that might disrupt your writing flow. It always happens to me.
Good luck, and do post in my WRFF thread when you post more or anything.
~Shubhi
Overall I thought it was a ggod start to a vampire story. And I'm writing two, and I've already written one so I know what I'm talking about. There was some problems with your sentance structure, but all-in-all it was a good job. Keep writing!