Chapter 3 – Unbreakable Intimacy
The morning came, and Xombreil was there, lying on his bed like nothing happened the night before. Eluna was sitting on her bed, looking worriedly at her unconscious brother. Mella had placed an ice bag over Xombreil’s head earlier that morning to make sure that he would be all right. Slowly, light filled the boy’s eyes as he opened them. His vision was blurred like his memory.
“What happened…?” he asked as he saw his sister. His young voice was rough and frail.
For a brief moment, she ran out of breath. Pictures of the previous incident came to her – the lightless night, her blackened brother, the darkness.
“You were…” she spoke, her voice trembling.
She froze. The feeling of the bed underneath her had already become numb. But then, Xombreil suddenly coughed, and her mind was brought back to reality.
“Are you all right?” she asked. The concern was evident in her tone.
“I guess so…” her brother cleared his throat and innocently replied.
“Do you want to play?” continued Eluna, wanting to move on and be happy.
The question was left unanswered, and silence crept back in like an overgrowing shadow.
“Oh, all right,” she sighed. “I’ll just go outside. Aunt Mella was off in the market anyway. Get well!”
Then, she gracefully walked out the room like a wind-blown flower, closing the door as she left. The golden morning sunlight glimmered through the window, cutting in between the twins’ beds. Xombreil disdained it, either because the light was too bright or because he didn’t like the room looking like it was split in two. It could have been both.
He took the ice pack off his head and placed it on the desk that was right below the window. He slithered off his bed, got up, and shut the window blinds. He looked blankly at the darkness that engulfed in front of him, the shadow of the once sunlit space before him. Unexpectedly, he heard Eluna’s voice. The blinds were once again opened, and Xombreil willingly welcomed the light just to see his most beloved sister.
She was humming random notes, swirling around like a ballerina. Her white dress was like a swan’s wings. Then, at the blink of a second, she shrieked—
“Aaaaaaaaaaaah!”
A seemingly unending series of black lightning stormed around the wooden house, threatening to destroy everything. The skies had already turned very dark. Xombreil dashed as quickly as he could to go to his sister who stood there shaking, looking with fear at the big, dark figure that appeared in front of her. Finally, Xombreil was there, just a few meters behind his sister where he stopped.
“Eluna?” he worriedly asked.
A silent evil laugh came from the ominous figure. No – there were two! At another blink of the eye, there were two dark figures standing maliciously in front of them, the other smaller than the first one that appeared.
“What are we waiting for, milord?” asked a wicked young girl’s voice from the smaller figure.
“Patience,” replied the other one. “Patience, my dear Eunina.”
They walked a little closer to Eluna. The darkness that concealed them slowly faded, revealing who they actually were. Their appearance could not have possibly been mistaken. They were simply human. They came from the Shadow region. They were the Lord and the Princess of Shadow.
“What do you want!?” Xombreil yelled from behind his totally motionless sister, pushing the feeling of terror away as he recognized the two unwanted strangers.
“Nothing,” Escuridion, the Lord of Shadow, spoke in a cold, uncaring manner.
“Then what are you doing here!?” Xombreil angrily and bravely shouted. “Go away!”
Eunina, the Princess of Shadow, drew her dagger from her belt as she stepped closer to Eluna and pointed it at the latter’s neck. She spoke—
“Nothing means Death.”
Xombreil’s hair and eyes turned pitch black at the sight of this. The gale was nearly overwhelming. It was just like the night before. But, this time, he was surrounded by a semitransparent, spherical black force.
With clenched fists, he stepped forward, pointed at the wicked princess, and bellowed—
“If a single drop of blood flows from my sister’s neck, I will kill you!”
Eunina withdrew the dagger but kicked Eluna at her jaw with her heel. Eluna cried in pain as she fell down, and Xombreil’s sphere was drowned in a stronger black aura.
“You—,” he spoke as rage completely overcame him. His voice was rougher than ever.
“Xombreil!” Eluna called, trying to bring her brother back to himself. “Please, stop this…!”
He raised his right hand wide open and a black orb appeared. He took a few steps forward.
“You, tainted one, you will suffer for this!”
Unaffected, both Eunina and Lord Escuridion simply smirked, for they liked and expected what they were seeing – a powerful disciple of Shadow was standing in front of them. That was their plan.
“Have you not noticed yet…that you belong to the Shadow region?” the dark lord asked.
Xombreil was shaken as he heard this. It was like a blade pierced through his heart. The dark sphere and aura that surrounded him faded. He was petrified by the thought of himself being a disciple of Shadow. His eyes and lips were trembling like shaking trees.
But then, out of nowhere, a young boy’s voice came from the heavens. The dark sky was split as a bolt of white, fast-speeding lightning struck through.
“Hiyaah!”
There was a loud explosion as the lightning hit the ground near them. A young boy with spiky red hair appeared in front of them. He wore the crest of the Sun at the centre of his upper armour. The plate was of a silvery white splendour. He held a bolt of white lightning in his right hand and stood proudly like a prince. The sun was bright once again, and that colour of Xombreil’s hair and eyes went back to normal.
Eluna stood up from the ground and embraced Xombreil. Her chin was bleeding but she ignored it.
“I would never want to see that darkness of yours again, Breil,” she said, sobbing, her eyes closed.
Still horrified by what he had heard and experienced with himself, he tightly hugged his sister back and also closed his eyes, attempting to calm himself and move on.
Eunina, focused on the new boy, drew her dagger once again and engaged him.
“Who the heck are you?” she rudely asked as they crossed weapons.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the boy replied with pride as they let loose and crossed one more. “I’m the Prince of the Sun!”
He suddenly raised his free hand to the sky and fire came out. Eunina, caught by surprise, dodged and leaped backwards beside Lord Escuridion. The flame drew a burning circle around the house.
“Leave and never come back!” the boy said as he pointed his lightning bolt towards his enemies.
Eunina was about to engage the boy again but Lord Escuridion suddenly held her shoulder.
“This is enough for now,” he spoke.
Then, both the Lord and the Princess of Shadow vanished into the air.
“We shall return!” a creepy, echoing voice spoke but then faded after a few moments.
“Whew!” the boy cut the silence as he turned towards the twins, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. “At least they’re gone for now.”
“Thanks for saving us,” said Eluna as her brother helped her stand. “Who are you?”
“You’re bleeding!” the young stranger exclaimed as he noticed her bloody chin, his eyes widening, suddenly feeling worried for her.
“Never mind that,” replied Eluna. “What is your name?”
“I’m—,” he looked at Eluna’s blooming face and thought, She’s so…pretty.
"I, I,” he stuttered as he grew shy towards her. “I have to go.”
Then, he quickly got on his lightning bolt like he was riding a horse and finally bolted away.
“Aw, I didn’t get his name,” Eluna moaned.
“Think of yourself first, sis,” Xombreil anxiously spoke. “You’re hurt.”
Eluna just became silent, and wiped the remaining tears on her eyes.
“Come,” Xombreil continued, took a deep breath, and smiled. “Let’s wash your chin before Aunt Mella comes home.”
Eluna smiled in return and said with the most honest of feelings, “I love you, bro.”
He answered, “I love you, sis, and I promise you: I’ll never let you get hurt again.”
And so, it turned out happily in the end, and Avicrus, the Lord of Light, sat with contentment, thinking of the possibilities that could happen in the future…
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Light and Shadow - Chapter 4Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Lots of action, it was great! I am so curious though, there is so much happening and so many unanswered questions. I think in the first chapter you said they were seven? Are the twins going to grow up? Anyways ill keep reading! It's sooo good!
Hey there! I'm sorry I'm such a failure and took ages to get to this! I'm here now, though, right?
I really enjoyed this chapter! The action was good, and overall it felt the description was much improved! Good job! I have a few nitpicking things, so let's get to it.
Since this is the third chapter, the reader hopefully knows who Xombriel and Eluna are and there relations to eachother.
How do Xombriel and Eluna know this? Does everyone in the world they live in know about the shadow region enough to tell the lord and princess from other people? If they would know things like this, then having a mention of it somewhere prior to this would be nice. If they wouldn't know this, then maybe some introductions are in order?
It seems to me like the Princess of Shadow should at least know what the Prince of the Sun looks like. If they are opposing "kingdoms" (as I'm assuming they are) then they wouldn't be oblivious to the existance of each other.
A lot of my nitpicking this time had to do with realism. Yes, this is fantasy but even fantasy requires a certain level of realism for a reader to believe the fantastical elements. This is no more than making sure things make sense. The excuse that "it's fantasy, so everything can make sense even if it wouldn't in the real world" doesn't exactly apply.
Everything that happens still has to make sense within the constructs of the world you create. And with that, if you do something that wouldn't regularly make sense in the real world, but makes sense in the fantasy world, there needs to be some level of believable explaination for the sake of the reader.
Good luck! Keep writing! Let me know if you put more up, and I'll try to get a more timely review done next time!
-Lauren-
Heya!
I'ma actually going to review this, for once. I've been stalking it for a while, but not reviewed anything... I have a tendency to do that. I'm here now though, so it's all good. Sorry if I repeat anything already mentioned...
In between these two parts would be a great place to add some good description. As Xombreil's eyes open, what does he see? Is his vision blurred? How is he feeling? Does his head hurt? Is he cold, warm? What can he hear and smell?
I changed a few words here to what I thought sounded good.
How come no one's answered Xombreil's question when he asked what had happened? You can't just leave a guy hangin'
You only need one exclamation mark.
This is a tad overly nit-picky, but I'd like for you to get rid of the quotation marks and simply italicize the sentence. That way, it will look a bit more different compared to the dialogue. That's just a suggestion though.
Overall
As a whole, this was a great chapter. I liked the action in it. I always love a chapter with plenty of good action in it. I don't really think that it's my favourite chapter, but hey, I can't expect every chapter to be my favourite, can I? That may be true, but I really did like reading this. Your characters are entertaining to read about, and normally, third person novels aren't my thing, but this is an exception. You've managed to write this effectively in a way that is enjoyable to follow. You had the odd little grammar hiccup here and there, but certainly not something worth mentioning. The only spelling error I spotted was that you use alright instead of all right. You also used it quite a bit. Technically, alright isn't a word, so bare that in mind for next time!
My main critique for this is probably that I felt the action scene came kind of sudden. It's basically what Reuben said. Things seemed to happen suddenly. One second, they were being attacked, and the next, some random guy turns up and helps them. Then the evil guys go and everyone's happy. I think you should consider maybe making the events happen in a longer period of time. Give us readers a chance to digest what's happening exactly before you move onto the next thing. A good way of doing that is by really explaining your character's emotions within all of these happenings. To me, the twins reactions were a bit odd at times. They didn't really seem that freaked out by it. It was kind of like, Look, there's some evil shadow thingy's killing us. Cool. Obviously, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the idea. You need to really enhance your character's feelings and emotions.
The only other thing I really want to mention is a little nit-pick, to be honest. It was just that, at the end, there was a bit of a dialogue clump. It was like all of the action happened and then, BAM, the twins start talking casually as though nothing's really happened. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here. What I'm basically trying to say is that I'd suggest for you to maybe either get rid of some of the dialogue, or put some actions and descriptions in between them so that the dialogue doesn't seem so clumpish. Don't get me wrong though,I've seen far worse, trust me! Just edit the ending up a tad bit and you should be fine.
Negatives aside, this was a good piece to read. I have to admit that it was a bit hard to follow at times, but that was due to the sudden happenings, I think. If you clean those up, you won't have to worry about my slight confusion. Besides, I have the attention spam of a dead goldfish, so that's probably just me. All that you need to do is to edit this up a bit by taking into account what us reviewers have suggested. If you do that, this could be a really great piece of writing, I think.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
EY! I'm glad you haven't stopped writing this...I almost thought you had!
Well lets get to nit picking!
Ohh nice description but phrased funny. Switch them around, "As the boy opened his eyes light slowly filled them" or something.
Take the "Eluna gasped" out. Just say something like; "Pictures (Memories? Or actually rather terrors , then we still get that it was horrible for her.) of the previous incident (night?) came to her-" I think you should take the gasped out because it sounds a little unrealistic...
“Oh, alright,” she sighed. “I’ll just go outside. Aunt Mella was off in the market anyway. Get well!”
I like the green part, but it makes it sound as if she really glided out, like flew out. If she did, you should make it clearer, and if she didn't, you should also make that clearer.
Don't write the shout, it sounds strange, like writing out a cough.
Don't describe it as the evilest, rather describe what made it sound evil
Don't use "the latter" again. Rather repeat "Eluna" or say she.
I think here you should try and make the characters a little more shaken, it sounds as if this kind of thing happens everyday the way they're acting. Besides that, I think it all happened really sudden. Boom big evil person appears, Boom evil partner appears, Boom Xombreil can use fancy darkness stuffies, Boom new boy appears from the sky...if you could lengthen the booms to booooooooooooms... XD if you understand what I mean, then it would be great. I like this chapter overall. Its quite good.
Hey Whisper!
You finally got around to posting the next chapter, I was actually afraid you stopped writing this
But I'm glad to hear that's not the case!
Well, on with the review!
Nitpicks/ suggestions
I've noticed that you tend to write things twice or mention them twice. For example, we already knew where Eluna was sitting, yet you mentioned it again here. Try to watch out for unnecessary repetition.
So far, you have used the word 'voice' three times. Try experimenting with different words or writing her emotions differently. Not everything has to come from her voice, what about physically?
Did you mean *door? Cause I was like, "hey, what does he mean by dear?" XD
Just because you say it's an evil voice, doesn't make it so. I envisioned a terrible evil voice with that. Like the type of bad guy you'd laugh at >.<
And it bugged me because I know this guys is supposed to scary. Use something different than evil. Make his gestures dark and cunning. What makes he evil? His eyes? The way his words chill his bones? Describe more of that 'feeling'.
Do you mean, "never come back?" lol
I find this cool, yet totally surprising at the same time XD
Overall, I liked this chapter. You had some pretty neat action in here and I'm dead curious as to who the new guy is.
I mean, maybe he's from the future! Or a different realm, you have so many different possibilities here that it's kind of hard to imagine what might happen, and that's more of a good thing then bad.
So, not too many major nitpicks with this chapter, just a few things I pointed out. My main critique would be to get in some stronger descriptions. I'm still quite confused as to how the characters look like and all. Maybe you could add some more imagery here and there to make it easier to picture.
Anyways, nice chapter, PM me when you post the next
~Shear