Young Writers Society

OK i know there has been a lot of work already done on helping you and it is all great to see reviewers. This is just a quickie of a few of my thoughts.
Remember to show don't tell. Use description to set the scene, instead of using things like

However, it had been always unfortunate for him because the bullies, who are about his age, come at the same inn a few minutes after he start his work.

Try to use something like, 'He had just started working and was cleaning some rather grubby glasses with a dirty rag, when three large familiar children squeezed in through the door and stared at him menacingly.'
Instead of telling us they were bullies, try to use words like menacingly to provoke the thought that they are bullies. Also i find using stereotypes helps, so a bully would be large, ugly and have an aggressive attitude. This should all help to let the story flow and make it more interesting.
p.s I don't think there should be an evening dragon as a flame really can't turn light into darkness, unless say it had black flame that was sort of an opposite of light. Would be a bit of a cliche though, maybe people would like it maybe people wouldn't. It is after all up to you, the author, to decide. Also maybe try and put yourself in a reader's perspective when proof reading, like you don't know a thing about this story, i find it helps.

Hey Whisperer ^^ Hey! You're Filipino! Like me xD

I'm Shina, btw.

Nice to see you like writing now ^^ But have no fear! YWS is here! We'll make you ten times better, you just need to get the mods/instructors/greeters' attentions if you want to truly benefit.

Sumi got all of the good stuff, and more =_=

So here's what I'm going to tell you:

Show, and not tell.

You're telling too much, which is flat and won't capture a reader's attention at all.
Would you rather hear a story, or be in one?

Personally I'd rather be in one. It's not always good to "show" persay, but you have to know the rules before you break them, so I suggest you learn them first.

Early in the morning, the Morning Dragon Festival would take place. And so, the people came as early as they could before the advent of the event came. Therefore, they waited till dawn

1. The first sentence isn't even a sentence. There's no action?
2. "The people came as early as they could before the advent of the event came. Therefore, they waited till dawn."

"till" isn't a word, It's "until". You're the narrator, you need proper words

Rather than telling the readers what was going on, you could've showed them by saying "The people flooded into the square, surging past one another, fighting for the best seat they could get. Though the moon was still above their heads and the coolness of the air still bit at their skins, they waited."

Did you notice the difference? My example wasn't all that awesome, but it's an example of showing rather then telling. I suggest you practice showing and learn the difference before you continue because it's a very helpful thing ^^ If you learn it and think your ideas in a "showing" manner, then it'll be easier to write and capture the reader's attention.

The good news is that your story would've been really interesting if you had more imagery and better description.

I forgot, but also remember to only write what's necessary to your plot and your story. You don't have to mention how tall he is like Sumi said.

Good Luck and Keep Writing ^^
PM me if you have any questions.

-Shina
This is what you said, right?

Here we go again! I'll try to be less annoying this time.

Long ago, in the ancient past, the land of Ragonia was been ruled by terrifying, fire-breathing creatures called Dragons. And it was known for humans to befriend these creatures for their light. People served huge numbers of offerings in order for them to tame these creatures. And so they succeeded over a certain period of time.

"In the ancient past"? Ragonia is on earth? I know you left it determinedly vague at this point, but we need a smidgen's more explanation. Like, a hair's.

"for their light" ... I like the Promethean attitude right there. Creationism and all that... perhaps you should expand on it. Making up myths is always a lot of fun anyway.

A nitpick on this paragraph is the bolded "so". At this point in the story, it just sounds like the narrator is all, "Of course they succeeded! How could they not?", which is not true, because so many things can go wrong with something like that. Also the use of the word "taming". Side-by-side with the word "offerings", which implies a sort of veneration or worship, it just sounds odd. I would suggest the word "placate", which would imply a stronger kind of creature. A bully, one might say, which could be interesting.

In the world of Ragonia, there was no Sun; there was no Moon, only these two great Dragons who were known to bring light to the world. The Morning Dragon would spray fire onto the heavens, causing the morning to come out of the darkness. The Evening Dragon, on the other hand, would only send pale, weaker flames onto the night sky as to not disturb the sleep of people and other creatures.

Other than the incredible physics problems the fact that having no sun or moon could have upon earth ( ), we're hearkening back to the problem of Ragonia's whereabouts in the assumed universe. You said, "in the ancient past", which suggests that Ragonia existed on earth... but earth would not exist without the sun and the moon. (The moon has some kind of effect on tides and sea. I'm not really sure about the entire thing, but yeah, the difference would be quite tangible.)

Allow me to go off on a tangent. Ragonia is a land on a planet we shall simply call "X". But the fact is, "X" is cannot exist as a planet due to the unfortunate fact that unless the M&E Ds are interesting and fantastical codenames for the sun and the moon, there would be no galaxy. &tc&tc. Which gives the interesting idea and impression that Ragonia is flat. You know, like before the days of Christopher Columbus and whatnot -- people believed such stuff as "the world is flat", "earth is at the center of the universe/galaxy", blah blah blah. Here I'd like to suggest you read the first dozen or so chapters of D.J. MacHale's book "Black Water", in which, on the territory of Eelong, there is no sun, but a band of light that works its way across the sky. No explanation is given, but it's interesting. Just thought I'd mention.

But what if "X" is flat? Meditate on that -- it could be a fascinating subplot or plot for another book situated on "X".

My only other comment on this paragraph is that you should nix "of people and other creatures" and just substitute with "...the sleep of the world." Because that's just nicer-sounding, yes? xD

But beyond these creatures, are the major counterparts of the Dragons; Ravens were known to bring the darkness into the world with their huge shadows.

Together, Dragons and Ravens brought the balance of light and darkness. However, these two races of creatures were on the brink of unavoidable war due to their own opposing natures.

There are minor counterparts as well? "...darkness into the world with their huge shadows." Yes, this definitely implies that Ragonia is flat. It sounds like they drag the shadows around behind them. I am intrigued!

Now that I'm on the topic of what could happen in the flat world of "X", the Ravens don't seem to make sense with the Dragons. Like...Does the M.D. scorch the Ravens' behind and they fly away to the other "side" of "X"? Does the E.D. have a sort of special truce with the Ravens? Do its flames heal the Ravens from the burns of the M.D.?

(I'm so happy you took my earlier review into account. ^_^ Yay!)

Though both races were so powerful, the humans chose the Dragons to worship as Gods[s] which was of course,[/s] because of their light. Though later, humans had fun creating their own “Dragon Mythology”. Nix the quotation marks and the capitalized 'M'.

"The Dragons bring light with their fire and the Ravens bring darkness with their shadows" - That was how the humans knew these creatures.

xD "had fun creating their own "Dragon Mythology"" That made me laugh. It sounds like one of those dopey workshop things seven-year-olds go to. You know -- "Make Your Own Jewelery" and stuff like that. But then, it could also be a hint of self-mockery which is always fun... In any case, this does not fit with the current narrative so I'd recommend changing it. On second thought, I think you should just cut that line out entirely.

"...That was how the humans knew these creatures." Er, this is a tad weird. First you imply that there are multitudes of Dragons, and then two in particular, and then it just sounds like there are just two and...

Never mind.

As expected, many people came to the huge golden kingdom of Eterna, the capital city of the entire Ragonia, to celebrate the two major events of every year - The Morning and the Evening Dragons Festivals.

First you say Eterna is a kingdom (what makes it golden?), and then a city (a capital to the "entirity" of Ragonia? You don't see two capitals to America or France, do you? xD), as we know it previously from before the Great Edit.

"Morning and Evening Dragon([s]s[/s]) Festivals". This is a bit shady, grammatically. Again, I think you should just change it to something like, "The Great Festivals" or "The Two Great Dragon Festivals" or something that's less of a mouthful, y'know?

Early in the morning, the Morning Dragon Festival would take place. And so, the people came as early as they could before the advent of the event came. Therefore, they waited till dawn.

I...really think you should just re-write that so it's not so demeaning to the reader. It makes me think that you think that I'm stupid not to understand that the M.D. festival is in the MORNING, and not the evening. xD

Finally, the Morning Dragon sprayed its fire onto the heavens, the start of its own festival, which was to be held at the town square of Center City, Eterna. People went out of their doors to celebrate the event. They were [s]as[/s] happy as they danced, played games and ate during the event until it concluded.

This is interesting. It makes me think that the M.D. is not sentient -- it does not recognize its own festival. Hmm.

Since we're on the topic of dawn, I'd like to address a couple of things.

One, where are the Ravens? Does light suddenly come to Ragonia, as one would assume from the ecosystem your prologue has set up? Does the M.D. chase them away or what?
Second, "dawn" as a word. It just seems a little odd since the definition of dawn for us on Earth is quite limited. Sun rising...you know. It just clashes with the M.D. thing.

Your narrative turns awkward and stony in the bolded part of the paragraph. It sounds just, I don't know...tinny. Like you had a hard time visualizing all this as you wrote it. Are you thinking about your words? A lot of it is bitingly obvious. People go outside, eat, dance, play and probably conduct less family-friendly activities during festivals. It's implied with the word, yes? So give us information that is unique to that festival. What kind of food was prepared and eaten, the activities, if anyone got really drunk. You know.

It was been "had been" a great Morning Dragon festival, and it was [s]really[/s] a [s]great[/s]good day for the taverns[s] as they went filled up with customers who came from the latter festiva[/s]. Few other people were preparing for the upcoming Evening Dragon Festival at night.

Respect your audience. We do know something about how business booms with circumstance.

"Festival" should be capitalized in the first sentence. Er, the last sentence is awkward -- doesn't quite make sense. Re-write.

Later that afternoon, a [s]kind and decent[/s] fourteen-year old boy by the name of Rouie Whispers started his shift of work in three in the afternoon.[s], as[/s] He was a dishwasher at the Tavern center in Eterna named ‘The Drunken Dragon’, after the Dragon-God of the Wine. However, it had been always unfortunate for him because the bullies, who arewere about his age, came at the same inn a few minutes after he started his work.

Much <3 to "the Dragon-God of the Wine". Very cool.
"kind and decent ... boy". L. O. L. XD Let his actions speak for him, yes? Nixit.
"tavern center"... like a YMCA center? A shopping center? ...?
In this case, I think you should just say, "a dishwasher at the The Drunken Dragon Tavern, a so-and-so place of good tipping customers and fine-lookin' ladies" or something.

"The" Bullies? Are they a gang? I think you meant "his" bullies. Your tenses are lapsing -- constant vigilance! A technical note here, but unless they also worked there, they couldn't harass him, as he's behind the counter, out of the general eye and whatnot.

"Why are they not bullying me?” said Rouie to himself.

“It could be my lucky day today. Thanks, Morning and Evening Dragons,” he thought.

It should be

"Why are they not bullying me?” said Rouie to himself. “It could be my lucky day today. Thanks, [s]Morning and Evening[/s] Dragons,” he thought.

Two dialogue tags are unnecessary, so pick one and ditch the other. As Rouie is the only character we've met so far, tags are almost superfluous.

The fact that he thanks the M&E Ds for his luck is an excellent support of the fact that you said that they worship the dragons. Very nice.

It was already almost six in the evening and everyone was waiting for the start of the Evening Dragon Festival. It was also the time Rouie finished working. Then, he started walking home.

Miles after leaving the tavern, Rouie began hearing footsteps nearby.

He only works three hours a day? o.O For pay? In a RESTAURANT? Lemme talk to you about work and restaurants.

I work for a few hours in the local library every week. Not for pay -- it's all on my own time. So I can stay or not stay at my leisure, you know?
People who work in the restaurant biz do not have that luxury, especially on busy days. Shifts can last for something like twelve consecutive hours. Waitstaff are overworked, anxious and tired, so are the chefs, and therefore, so is Rouie. He should be working muchos overtime on a day like the Festivals.
Speaking overtime, from what I have read so far, Rouie lives by himself/supports himself. You can't make a honest living on three hours a day, I don't care what universe or planet or territory you live on. TANSTAAFL, bub, TANSTAAFL.

I won't bug you about "then" because I've done so before. Really. >.<

"Miles after leaving the tavern..." No crowds? No merrymaking? No drunken fools around the tavern? He's completely alone around the biggest tavern in Eterna? He can hear his footsteps? Pssh.

He thought, “Bastards! Don’t tell me they’re stalking me tonight.”

A little bit scared, he started hasting as he continued his walk. He was able to reach the crossroad near his home near the cliff and noticed that the fence over the cliff's edge was missing.

(You don't need tags if you're italicizing thoughts. It can be assumed that they are thus because of the fact they are italicized.)
I like how he immediately assumes that the footsteps belong to his bullies. He's a very suspicious fourteen-year-old, this Rouie.

"Hasting" -- I'm not sure that's a word. "Hurrying" is the term you meant, I'm sure.

"A little bit scared" -- if Rouie is bullied as much as you say, then he should be used to this kind of thing. A little defiant. Rebellious. Hating every second of it! He should have some kind of stratagem by now. I think that you were so busy trying to get the reader to feel for poor, bullied, underdog Rouie, that you forgot that fiction is supposed to echo reality.

“Now, where’s that fence?”[s] Rouie thought.[/s]

Then, out of a sudden, five guys appeared behind him, laughing annoyingly.

“So you’ve been following me the whole night?[s]?[/s]” asked Rouie as he turned around.

This is so flat! Rouie should have a definite reaction, strategy or something besides a stupid question to ask his attackers! He should have a weapon or something to combat them. He could be looking into local martial arts or something. If you were being tortured, day after day, would you do nothing about it when it was in your power to do something about it?

*I think it's been discussed a couple of times on the forum about how you shouldn't use the word "sudden" or "suddenly." You should be able to make it sudden with your words, yeah?

Then makes another devilish appearance.

“Yeah, so you have a problem with that?” replied Max, the fifteen-year old leader of the bullies.

“Well, you five ARE my problem!” shouted Rouie back.

“Don’t shout at us!” answered Max.

We don't need to know the age of our antagonist, we need to know what makes him so evil. Why Rouie hates him. Emphasize that which makes him hateful -- it's classic technique. It's why Darth Vader is in black and the Evil Empress always wears horribly uncomfortable-looking bustiers and headdresses and crap. It makes 'em look sinister -- amplifying their badness.

You don't need to tag every piece of dialogue, as previously mentioned somewhere...with only so many speakers introduced, it's not strictly necessary.

“Why are you following me??” asked Rouie.

“Because it is fun bullying you, as simple as that,” replied Max.

And then the five surrounded Rouie suddenly.

One question mark at a time, please.

Most of this section is completely worthless because it's all happened before in the past. Mention how it's routine, how Rouie mentally prepares himself for the pain and agony of being bullied. But so much dialogue is simply silly. They're playing with him.

You're using "suddenly" and "then" and even "and" at the beginning of the sentence. Grammatically, it's not exactly proper to start a sentence with "and", but that's considered "old school" right now. "Suddenly" and "then" should just be avoided. At all costs.

And (!) I'm completely serious there. >.>

“Attending the Evening Dragon Festival is fun enough for you!” said Rouie.

“But we are attending,” answered Max.

“The Town Square is far from here!” replied Rouie while stepping back as the five [s]went[/s]came closer. [/quot]

More useless dialogue...ho hum. See above.

That scared Rouie [s]enough and so[/s] and he stepped back [s]stepped farther backwards[/s].

[s]Unfortunately, h[/s]He was too shocked to notice that he was already slipping off the cliff’s edge.

[s]“Ahh!!!” h[/s]He screamed as he fell, straight into the river of Eterna.

Still a little under-dramatic.

You're missing the idea of Show vs. Tell right here, and that is absolutely key. We need to be with the character -- we need to wear his skin. Feel what he feels, taste what he tastes, see what he sees.
More description.

Other than that, I see you haven't quite grasped dramatic narrative yet. You're getting close, though.

Dramatic narrative is a kind of technique -- you shorten sentences to add impact. It's the difference between

She fell head-first, blue-ribboned hair rippling after her into the river, a thin, high wail coming from her lips. After the sickening splash of her body hitting the water, one hand struggled against the tides to bring the head to the surface. The struggling ceased as the hand collided with a sharp rock, it went under and there was silence upon the cliffs.

(which is about as close as I can get to your current narrative)

and

She plummeted head-first into the rapids, a scream trailing with the ribbons in her hair behind her. She hit the water with a sickening splash before vanishing into the white water. A hand emerged, clawing at the water for grasp and support, but it ceased as it collided with a sharp rock.

Nothing emerged.

Shocked silence.

Not gold, but #2 was definitely more dramatic than #1 .

He splashed at the same time the Evening Dragon sprayed its flame onto the night sky – the advent of the Evening Festival.

I like that a lot.

I wish I could make some uber-witty closing remark, but I'm tired and I've got more stuff to do tonight. I'll get to chapter 2 soon.

G'night. (This took me well over an hour. Phew!)

~Sumi

Hey Whisperer!

What you've got so far looks very promising, but I'd like to point out a few things before I get to the grammar.

-- A roan is actually a type of horse, referring to their coat. I'm a fantasy author, so I've been there, done that --still doing it, lol! --but it's always a good idea to look up names before using them. ^_^ Your best bet is Behind the Name, which is the whole enchilada: a random name generator, an extensive dictionary of names of just about any ethnicity, and a search engine based on meaning, text or gender. You could spend days there. Give 'er a go!

-- The Morning and Evening Dragons: Cool idea, really, but the Evening Dragon seems pretty useless. I understand the need for balance, but Apollo doesn't always have to have Artemis with him, does he? Something to consider, at any rate.

-- The Ravens. Er, I get where you're coming from, but I know you're a better daydreamer than that. It's this inherent belief that the dark = bad. No-no-no. People are afraid of the dark because they don't understand it or what it conceals. Don't make the Ravens bad -- a sub-plot could be a forging of a truce between the Dragons and the Ravens.

Fantasy creatures at war = Cliche
Fantasy creatures at peace = Not cliche.



Specifics: You do not need to tell us that the MC is exactly five feet four inches, or that his hair was a precise shade of burnt sienna, or that he really liked leather boots. Leave something to the reader's imagination. Besides, if you continue writing superfluous information, people are going to get very bored. Trust the reader with the story! (And trust the ed while you're at it. ) And you come off as extremely anal retentive. People judge people by their work, y'know.

Other miscellaneous junkalicious stuff: "The intersection near his house" -- is this a big city, or what? "Intersection" is a modern-sounding word. It conjures images of traffic lights and all that stuff. Try to give us a picture when a character moves through a new place.

Onto the grammar.

Dragons: Are you going to continue to capitalize the first letter, or not? Decide, please. I don't think it's entirely necessary as we never capitalize the 'h' in "humans", but do as you will -- just make it consistent!

Numbers: As a general rule-of-thumb, you never use actual numbers for the numbers one through twenty. Between twenty-one and a hundred, you can go either way and nobody will rat on you. After a hundred is when you can use the numerical symbols.

The Comma: Repeat after me: Grammatical punctuation will set me free! No, seriously. There's a simple rule for this: Whenever you would take a natural breath when speaking the sentence, you put a comma. I call it the rule of natural punctuation. It's simple and hard to mess up.

Run-On Sentences: A lot of your sentence structure is long and winding. This is also part of the rule of natural punctuation: Say it and punctuate it accordingly. If it sounds weird in the air, chances are it's weird on the screen, too.

Capitalization: Again, you've got to settle on racial capitalizations. "Town square" shouldn't be capitalized.
Never ever never COMPLETELY CAP WHAT YOU'RE WRITING, be it one word or an entire sentence. Rowling gets away with it 'cause she's an awesome writer, but it hurts the eyes onscreen. Use italics for emphasis.


Oh, and a couple of other things! (XD)
PM me when you update, or if you want another critique! I like to follow stories, and I generally do that better if I get a PM with a link. XD I also don't mind if you spam me with links for your other work. Do so, do so!

That is all. Looking forward to the update!

~Sumi

EDIT: Continued, I suppose.

Ah, this is much better! Now that you've explained the Morning and Evening Dragons a little more, it makes much more sense.

I'll give you a line-by-line:

Long ago, in the ancient past, the land of Ragonia was been ruled by terrifying, fire-breathing creatures called Dragons. And it was known for humans to befriend these creatures for their light. People fed the Dragons with food willingly in order for them tame these creatures. And so they succeeded over a certain period of time.

If Dragons are sentient, why do they need humans to give them food? Why should they rely upon a, shall we say, lesser race? Also, why do the humans need Dragons for light? Is there no flint or flammable substance in Ragonia? Do the humans in your story have an aversion to creating fire?
Nix the last sentence.

Two giant Dragons were known to bring light to the world. The Morning Dragon would spray fire onto the heavens, causing the morning to come out of the darkness. The Evening Dragon, on the other hand, would spray only moonlight-like flames onto the night sky to not disturb the sleep of people and other creatures.

"Giant" Dragons? How big is an average Dragon in comparison to a human? Do they have to be big to be special?

I would re-phrase the last few sentences something like:

The Evening Dragon would send paler, weaker flames into the night sky, so as not to disturb the sleeping creatures of the earth.

Because, well, if there's the Evening Dragon to give light in the night, why should there be a moon to compare its flames too? Lol.

But beyond these creatures, the major counterpart of the Dragons. They are giant black birds that bring the darkness with their huge shadows.

Together, Dragons and Ravens brought the balance of light and darkness, but it is natural for these two races of creatures to be at war because of their opposite characteristics.

The first two of these sentences are kind of funky. Consider a re-phrasing.

The second set of sentences is also a bit weird. I can see, by now, that you're stuck on the war between the Ravens and the Dragons, but with the "balance blah blah" thing you've got going, it's also quite funky. I think -- and this is my opinion! --- that the Ravens and the Dragons should have an uneasy peace, but are on the brink of unavoidable war, which would seriously hinder whatever the humans are up to, creating lovely, lovely conflict. Yum. I can taste it now.

Ehem. XD The "opposite characteristics" thing is totally unnecessary.

"The Dragons bring light with their fire and the Ravens bring darkness with their shadows" - That is how people know these creatures.

The Dragons and the Ravens do not count as people? They are not sentient? They do not feel, simply exist? Are they no better than animals? Clarity, please!

As expected, many people came to the huge and outstanding city of Eterna, the capital city of the whole world of Ragonia, to the celebrate the two major events of every year - The Morning and the Evening Dragons Festival. These people came as early as they could before the advent of the event came, and so they waited till dawn.

What makes the city outstanding? And isn't Ragonia a country, not a world? Are there other worlds to give a world a name? It's also a run-on sentence, kindly fix that. "The Morning and Evenings Dragon Festival" is quite a mouthful, consider just "The Dragon Festival."

I'm not sure about your use of the word "advent" -- it seems a little contrived with your current style.
They waited until dawn? A little extra information would be great right here. o.O

Finally, the Morning Dragon sprayed its fire onto the heavens and that is the start of its own festival which was to be held at the town square of Center Town, Eterna. People went out of their doors to celebrate the event. They were so happy as they danced, played games and ate during the event until it concluded.

You're switching tenses. I'm assuming you want to work entirely in third person past-tense, as it's the easiest, but make sure that you're constantly in the same tense! It can get hopefully muddling otherwise.

Center Town, Eterna? The city of Eterna is so big as to have subsections with names? Are we talking NYC, here? Clarity!

Aside from that, I would suggest completely re-writing this paragraph because it's so odd. Do people usually not venture outside in Center Town? Why? Why were they so happy? What's the point of the Festival? Oy, I just don't have enough facts to get a clear answer right now.

It has been a great Morning Dragon festival, and it was really a great day for the taverns as they go filled up with customers who came from the latter festival. Few other people are preparing for the upcoming Evening Dragon Festival at night.

Wait wait wait a second. It's suddenly only the Morning Dragon festival? Whuzz goin' on? I thought they were combined! You really need to re-write this entire paragraph.

Later that afternoon, a 14-year old boy (kind and decent, having black hair and fair skin complexion) by the name of Rouie Whispers started his shift of work at 6:00 p.m. in the afternoon as a dishwasher in the most famous tavern in the whole city of Eterna named ‘The Drunken Dragon’. And that is unfortunate for him because his bullies who are about his age come at the same inn five minutes after.

Forgive me, but I LOLed! XD That was so funny. Nix the parentheses -- never use them if you can avoid it. It interrupts the natural flow of the story. I prefer to use --s or plain commas, as you can tell, -- as you can tell -- (as you can tell). Ja? Ha ha. It's a stylistic/intuitive thing, but try to avoid the parentheses. And when I say nix the parentheses, that includes all the infodump in it. XD

Fourteen-year-old, not 14-year-old!

You don't need to tell us exactly when he starts working, that's not directly important to the story! It's a delicate balance, writing a story.

If Eterna is so freaking huge, why is there only one "supreme" tavern? And why would it be named so mockingly for a race of creatures that the humans depend upon? That makes no sense!

You're playing hooky with the tenses again! Pay attention!
He owns his own bullies? He programmed them to come in exactly five minutes after himself? Man! I tell ya, you've got to leave something to the imagination!

“Why are they not bullying me?” said Rouie to himself.

“It could be my luck day today. Thanks, Morning and Evening Dragons,” he thought.

It was already almost 6 in the evening and everyone was waiting for the start of the Evening Dragon Festival. It was also the time Rouie finish working. Then, he started walking home.

A few minutes later after leaving the tavern, Rouie heard footsteps nearby.

Lucky, not luck. And the M&E Ds are suddenly totems to pray to? Exactly what kind of standing do they have in Ragonia?

Lol. Dude. He started at six, and it was "already almost six"? XD Fixit! Re-write!

If Eterna is so big (again), wouldn't he be surrounded by a crowd of people, especially at so big of an event? He would be jostled and crowded by the people, lost in his own thoughts or something!

He thought, “Aww, man! Don’t tell me they’re stalking me tonight”

And then he continued walking but this time, he walked a little bit faster. He was able to reach the crossroad near his home near the cliff and noticed that the fence over the cliff's edge was missing.

“Now, where’s that fence?” Rouie thought.

But then suddenly, five guys appeared behind him, laughing annoyingly.

"Awww, man!" is a very American slang term. Scratch it. Add a period at the end of the sentence. Also scratch the "and then", and the "but this time." They don't sound professional.

Crossroads? He's suddenly in the country? Lol. You need to give the reader a better idea of Eterna, 'Perer! How much have you developed this world, anyway?

Try to avoid word repetitions if you can, especially when writing. Variety is the spice of life and all that.

Scratch the "But then suddenly" and completely re-write that sentence.

“So you’ve been following me the whole night??” asked Rouie as he turns around.

“Yeah, so you have a problem with that?” replied the Max, 15-year old leader of the bullies.

“Well, you five ARE my problem!” shouted Rouie back.

“Don’t shout at us!” answered Max.

“Why are you following me??” asked Rouie.

Use only one question mark, please. And you're switchy the tensy again! And using numbers instead of words! And giving unnecessary character information! And avoiding said!
Shall I threaten you with a wiffle bat or something?

"the Max" = LOL. XD

Don't be afraid of said. It is your best friend as a writer. What I said up there, about repeating words? That does not apply to said.
Ideally, said is grammar. You shouldn't register it as a word, but as a part of the page's landscape, if you get what I mean. I have a list about that somewhere, but I'll find it later.

Onwards!

“Because it is fun bullying you, as simple as that,” replied Max.

And then the five surrounded Rouie suddenly.

“Attending the Evening Dragon Festival is fun for you…” said Rouie nervously.

“But we are attending,” answered Max in a threatening manner.

“The Town Square is far from here!” replied Rouie while stepping back a

If Rouie (nice name XD) has been bullied by these guys for a long time, as implied by your writing, then he should know the drill. Therefore, much of this dialogue is worthless! Ditch accordingly.

Avoid adverbs as much as possible. Stephen King once said, "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." (An adverb, in case you were unaware, is any word that ends with the suffix "-ly". Sadly, happily, crazily, luckily, whatever. They're all okay to use, but at a minimum.)

In the best cases, you won't have to use dialogue tags at all. Attach an action instead.

For example...

“Oh, yeah?” he asked, voice breaking. “How? Ask an alien to brainwash me? Die?”

He felt her hand grasp his shoulder. It held comfort. He didn’t know if he could reach for it.

“No, Iz, just remember that if Claus-“

“If Claus what? If Claus dies? Is that what you’re trying to tell me, Lisa?”

A tear fell to the pavement. The ant scurried away, frightened.

“Claus won’t die. Claus can’t die.”

She choked on her own words.

(From my own story, "It's Raining")
That's pretty stylistic, but you get what I mean.

"Threatening manner" -- Lol. Let the dialogue speak for itself. The words should sound threatening in the reader's head, yes?

“Well, the FESTIVAL is here. We even have an offering,” said Max.

That scared Rouie enough and so stepped farther backwards and unfortunately fell off the cliff, the same time the Evening Dragon sprayed her moonlight-like flames into the night sky – the advent of the Evening Festival.

Oh, I love that little piece of dialogue! Very nicely done!

Unfortunately, you've got a lot to work on with the rest of the paragraph. It's like -- "Oh, and by the way, our hero fell off the cliff to his possible death. Pretty lights!" Lol. Show me some dramatics!

Once again, PM me with an update link or any questions on my reviews or any questions at all. ^_^

~Sumi

Hey Whisperer! Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = words I've inserted that I think work better.

Whisperer wrote:Elemental Dragons

*Inspired by the movie, Eragon

Prologue

Long ago, in the ancient past, the land of Ragonia was [s]been[/s] ruled by terrifying, fire-breathing creatures called [s]the[/s] Dragons. Men were able to tame these beasts and made them their greatest allies of their own will and were bounded by their own hearts and spirits. I'm not a big fan of telling. Show us. I want to see how these men make them their allies

Two giant dragons were [s]known to be [/s]appointed to bring [s]of bringing [/s]light to the world. The Morning Dragon would spray fire onto the heavens, causing the morning to come out of the darkness brought by the sworn enemy of their kin, the Ravens This sentence really confused me. Slow down and split up your ideas . The Evening Dragon, on the other hand, [s]is[/s] was limited to spray little golden flames into the night sky to not disturb the sleep of the people and of the other animals.

The Ravens were known for their huge shadows that covered the bright skies and brought darkness while the Dragons [s]are[/s] were known for their Fire. Watch your tenses. I suggest writing completely in the past. You're bouncing around

Chapter 1: The Day a Dragon Becomes Water

A Dragon egg fell to the river of Eterna…

It was a great Sunday morning for the taverns as they were filled with customers and the owners’ pockets filled with money. Actually, a Dragon Festival was celebrated that morning at the town square of Eterna, the World capital, in honor of the Morning Dragon and so people ended up drinking in the Taverns. Another Dragon Festival was to be held later in the evening in honor of the Evening Dragon. Show show show, describe, describe describe! Show us please!

Later that afternoon, a 14-year old boy by the name of Roan Whispers entered his shift of work every 6:00 p.m. in the afternoon as a dishwasher in the most famous tavern in the whole city of Eterna which is named as ‘The Drunken Dragon’. And that is unfortunate for him because ‘his bullies’ who are about his age come at that same inn at that same time (or let’s say they’re 5 minutes late).

“Why are they not bullying me?” said Roan to himself.

“It could be my luck day today. Thanks, Morning and Evening Dragons,” he thought.

It was already almost 6 in the evening and everyone was waiting for the start of the Evening Dragon Festival. It was also the time Roan finish working. Then, he started walking home.

A few minutes later after leaving the tavern, Roan heard footsteps nearby.

He thought, “Aww, man! Don’t tell me they’re stalking me tonight”

And then he continued walking but this time, he walked a little bit faster. He was able to reach the intersection near his home and he noticed that the fence over the cliff’s edge was missing.

“Now, where’s that fence?” Roan thought.

But then suddenly, five guys appeared behind him, laughing annoyingly.

“So you’ve been following me the whole night??” asked Roan as he turns back.

“Yeah, so you have a problem with that?” replied the Max, 15-year old leader of the bullies.

“Well, you five ARE my problem!” shouted Roan back.

“Don’t shout at us!” answered Max.

“Why are you following me??” asked Roan.

“Because it is fun bullying you, as simple as that,” replied Max.

And then the five surrounded Roan suddenly.

“Attending the Evening Dragon Festival is fun for you…” said Roan nervously.

“But we are attending,” answered Max in a scaring manner.

“The Town Square is far from here!” replied Roan while stepping back as the five went nearer.

“Well, the FESTIVAL is here. We even have an offering,” said Max.

That made Roan more nervous and scared and so stepped farther backwards and fell off the cliff, the same time the Evening Dragon sprayed her moon-like golden flames into the night sky – the advent of the Evening Festival.

And so a boy also fell into the same river and then the egg hatched…

- End of Chapter 1 -

Okay I skimmed through the rest of it. Good job! Here are some additional suggestions:

Show us what's going on, you told us almost everything. Describe, what does Roan look like, what does he see, smell, hear, taste. We want to know. We as readers want to feel it too.

Tenses: Watch out for your tenses. Stay completely in the past or completely in the present tense.

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Basically everything has been said by Pawprint and Spazztardchild. There are a few things I would like to mention.

Firstly, you tell us too much. I know that sounds odd but throughout the story it's 'this happened', 'and then this happened', 'he did this', 'they did that' - you need to let the story flow more and develop your description and sentences.

For the most part your characterisation is good. We haven't learned a lot about Roam's personality but I imagine he is a timid character since he is bullied? The bullies are as expected: big, threatening, etc. I'm not sure 'scaring manner' is an effective way to describe the way they said something. I think 'threatening manner' would work.

The last line does nothing for me.

And so a boy also fell into the same river and then the egg hatched…

It's too muddled. Maybe something like 'As a boy fell into the same river the egg hatched' would be better?

Sine the plot line has not been developed much I think this story feels very familiar and cliché. I hope as it continues we will see some twists and turns which will give the story its own unique edge and have us on the edge of our seats.

Anyway, good luck with this and future stories.

I am...what is that word...speechless?
That story drew me in right from the beginning!
I was disappionted when it ended!

That made Roan more nervous and scared and so stepped farther backwards and fell off the cliff

I thouhgt that this was a little odd. It was like
OH yeah, by the way, Roan fell off a cliff, nothing really important.
Maybe you should elaborate, but that your choice. Maybe you like to keep it that way.

Other than that, I loved it!
I cannot wait for the next chapter!

-Paw

I like this. I have never seen or read Eragon but, it sounds quite good based on what you have written. I obviously cannot say much more, because of the diminitive length of this piece, so I will go ahead and sort out some grammar for you

Long ago, in the ancient past, the land of Ragonia was been ruled by terrifying

I don't like this sentence. Nix the 'Long ago' bit. Also, nix the 'been'

greatest allies of their own will and were bounded by their own hearts and spirits.

Nix the 'of their own will'. Keep the bounded bit.

@ the first paragraph of chapter one: mention straight off the bat that it is the Dragon festival. Also put the Capital of the World, as it makes more sense. Put more description into this! It seems like you've rushed it, to get to Roan.

entered his shift of work every 6:00 p.m. in the afternoon

Put 'started' intead of 'entered' and 'at' instead of 'every'.

named as ‘The Drunken Dragon’

Get rid of 'as'.

‘his bullies’ who are about his age come at that same inn at that same time (or let’s say they’re 5 minutes late).

Why are his bullies in quote marks? Also, just say that they are five minutes late. It sounds a bit clumsy.

@ the whole bully scene: the dialogue is effective but, the rest is a bit bare! Make the bullies menacing by cracking their knuckles [something like that] and make the characters move a little, even if it is only a facial expression.

more nervous and scared

Be more dramatic! You simply are not just scared when about to jump off a cliff!

And so a boy

Get rid of 'And so' and start this with a '...'.

Phew. Sorry if some of that sounded harsh, it's only 'cause this wonderful piece deserves to be even better! I will be awaiting the next chapter.