o.O
Ahem. Sorry I'm late, you've really got to give some indication in the title. "Elemental Dragons Chapter 2" or "Part 2" or "#2" or something. I completely thought this was the other thread until I checked the post count.
Also, why did you not PM me? 
I could have gotten here sooner.
Anyway, I'll do a line-by-line.
After that nasty fall from the cliff, Rouie then found himself on the shores of Eterna. It was the place where he was always brought by his parents to play when he was a child. But, it is also where he had his most terrible experience...
-Flashback-
"Mom, dad!" called Rouie [s]to both of his parents[/s].
"What is it, dear?" [s]asked his mom back as she and her husband came.[/s]
[s]Rouie moved aside to reveal what he has found and it was a chest full of gold.[/s]
[s]This surprised both of his parents.[/s]
How much reading have you done over the past year? It sounds like you haven't done much. Your narrative tells me this -- it's situated like a Grimm fairy tale: all telling, no showing. Even your dialogue seems to carry that essence.
Nix the first paragraph. You're switching tenses and besides that, it's just ineffective at giving a mental image. "Rouie woke on sand as a wave crashed into him, letting out a strangled cry as it hit his flesh wound..." That, or something like it, would be more appropriate. Ya don't fall from a cliff and not feel it in the morning.
Speaking of reality, this is a medieval-ish setting, yes? "Mom" and "Dad" are fairly recent terms, relatively speaking; "Mother" and "Father", "Mama" or "Papa" would be more fitting, especially if the child was young. That's a character decision, though. That is to say, use what your character would choose.
When using the flashback method, it's not necessary to say "-Flashback-", you just put the flashback text into italics, or bold. It's a stylistic decision as to which, though italics are more common.
Coming to the dialogue, you have got absolutely no sense of dramatic approach. It's rather like reading a school report. Everything that has to be conveyed in dialogue is conveyed in dialogue, but the characters don't seem to be talking. They're exchanging information, but nothing more. Would you talk like that with your parents? Would they talk like that to you?
Said
Dude, did you even read my previous review? XD You don't need to be afraid of said! Just let the dialogue flow and speak for itself.
"We're rich now!" continued Rouie [s]in a happy manner[/s]. Throwing in an action right here would be ideal. Little kids move around a lot when they're happy -- have him skip, dance, squeal, roll around or have a seizure or something.
"No, Rouie," answered his mom. Pffffffft. Think about this -- one of the strongest moving forces of human society is greed. Give the mother some character and depth and have her hesitate before answering. Speaking of which, "mother", being the formal term, should be used instead of "mom".
"Why, [s]mom[/s]Mother/Mama?" he asked[b]action! Action! Give me some action!.
"Because it is not right for us to take what not is ours," replied his dad. That was just...really weirdly phrased. XD "It's not ours, so we won't take it." or something. Does your dad talk that way?
"We should return it to the owner," said his mom to his dad. Pssh, yeah right. Ha ha, how would they have any idea of who it belonged to? And because they found it, they should just leave it be, as that's where the person put it, yes? Logic!
[s]His dad nodded in agreement. [/s]
[s]And then they closed the chest and carried it to the town. But, they were blocked by pirates on their way.[/s] Show and don't tell.
"They're trying to steal it from us boss," said a pirate. Uh, no kidding. Way to state the obvious. Give this guy some brains.
"No, we're not trying to-" answered Rouie's father but the captain pirate suddenly held his father's shirt up and spoke. Beh, stupid. Let the captain be somewhat civilized. And how do they know this guy's the captain?
"Don't you answer to ME," he said. Uh?
Rouie's mother stared at the face of the captain pirate and slightly recognized him. Uh?
"You're-" spoke his mom but stopped in fear of what she recalled. Uh?
That called the captain pirate's attention and walked towards the woman. Uh?
What all those "Uh?"s mean? I am very, very confused. Clarity!
"You know me, honey?" asked the pirate. XD I like that. But the dialogue tag needs some work -- an action.
"Don't call my mother that way!" Uh?shouted Rouie from the right of his mother. Uh?
And so the pirate turned to Rouie. Uh? Weird.[/u]
"You must be-" said the pirate but Rouie's mother suddenly spoke. [b]Uh?
"Enough, Rodrigo!” she said, “He's not your son!" Oh, this is interesting. This means that he is his son, obviously. We're getting some drama. ...Finally. XD
"So you rememberrecall me, Rohanna?" said the pirate.
You need to throw in some action. The sound of one of the pirate's heavy breathing, the dude's dad shifting his weight from foot to foot, the blood pounding from fear in the MC's ear. Give the conversation depth with and through action.
Rouie's father [s]reacted and[/s] moved but he was suddenly grabbed back by the other pirates. This is so phony I don't think phony covers it. XD Re-write.
"Louis!" as Rohanna called to her husband but she was backed off by the pirate. Uh?
"Yes, Rohanna,” continued the pirate as he made a step forward to the woman, “I am Rodrigo" ...um, duh. XD Rephrase.
Rohanna and her son stepped backwards per a step forward made by Rodrigo until she fell down to the sand. Uh? Rewrite.
Rouie suddenly bit Rodrigo's left arm but the strong pirate was able to fend off and threw the kid aside. The kid flinched for a while and wasn’t able to move.
Oh my gosh. XD This is a mess, isn't it? Your characters are given no stage cues, so they just run on and off the set at your whim. Keep them in the background. Give them a place to stand or pace or sit or whatever, and then puppeteer accordingly.
“Rohanna!” called Louis, “Rouie!” Louis? XD I giggled. If you must go with whacky fantasy names, be consistent!
“Take him up the cliff!” commanded Rodrigo to his pirates, “And you know what to do” Period. "To his pirates" is superfluous.
“Yes, boss!” Oh, my gosh. You had to use "boss". "Yes, sir!" would be somewhat original. answered the pirates and began dragging Louis to the top of the cliff. ...oh gee. Very terrifying. Just an action (without a dialogue tag!) will work!
“No!” shouted Rohanna, period “Don’t hurt him!”
“As for you, my darling…[s],[/s]” continued Rodrigo as he unsheathed his sword. What the heck? He just meets her and is implying rape, after an implied previous relationship? Uh?!
“No! Mom!” shouted I think you've used "shouted" about five times now. Use a different verbRouie but he was still unable to move. Yeah, that usually happens when you're being held by a big, ugly ape. Give us a reason as to why he can't move.
Rodrigo pointed his blade to the sky. A thunder strike and it began to rain. What? He held Rohanna’s neck up and finally, the mad pirate pointed his blade to the woman and- I am so confused right now it's not funny. Rephrase.
“MOMMY!” Never use caps if you can help it. Italics are easier on the eyes. Mama would also be better. called Rouie [s]to his mother[/s], but it was already too late [s]for that[/s].
It was so bad for Rouie to see his mom stabbed by a blade. :*head/desk*: This angered him and suddenly stood up out from his flinching. :*more head/desk*:
“YOU MONSTER PIRATE!” Italics called Yeah, with a cellphone. New verb, please. Rouie to Rodrigo with a hallowed A HOLY voice? I think you meant "hollow" voice. And the waves of the ocean began splashing so hard. I thought they were on a path or something?
Young Rouie’s eyes began to glow blue along with his entire body. It's the AVATAR STATE!
Rodrigo knew it and spoke. Well, duh. If a little kid you were threatening to kill and just stabbed his mom, he'd glow up, wouldn't you think?
“That’s my boy!” said Rodrigo, “You inherited a power similar to mine!” Yeah, that's certain to be shouted in a moment of glee. Would you?
“I control the weather, and you control the water!” How would he know that, yet? He hasn't done anything except glow!he continued, “Together, we can dominate the oceans of italicsRAGONIA[s]![/s]!”
“BE QUIET!” Italics, and a "Shut the hell up, you bastard!" would be more realistic. said Rouie as he waved his right hand which cast a giant wave from the sea that devoured Rodrigo. Uh?!
Rouie went on to his mother’s body and looked upon her face with vengeance on his eyes. He's going to stab her? Then, he went on to the top of the cliff to find his father. Your "Thens" are superfluous.*
Unfortunately, he was more horrified to find his father killed by the pirates and so did the same way to them. Huh?
Then, he brought his dead father to his dead mother and laid him next to her and cried over them with bended knees.
The only thing I can recommend right now is to read until your eyeballs fall out. It's hard to learn to speak when you've never heard language, you know? So just read and listen and observe styles.
I'm sorry I have to cut this short, but I've got a music lesson to get to.
READ.
And also PM me when you post the next part. :p
~Sumi
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