It really took me a long time before I decided to write the second chapter which is just yesterday but I finished it today. I just had in mind yesterday that ideas would just come if I would try to write the next chapter. And, here it is!
Magical Transformations - Fire to Water
Hours after he fell off the cliff, Rouie woke up lying on the shores of Eterna, as far as he could remember it. Waves splashed at his feet as he recalled memories about the place.
His parents were very good, honest persons as they were known in the community – the first thing Rouie remembered, for the shores of Eterna were the place where he was always brought by his parents to play when he was a child, where his parents taught him his values. And, it was the same place he had his most terrible experience...
Flashback
"Mother, father!" called Rouie to his parents.
"What is it, dear?" asked his mother as she came along with his father.
Rouie then stepped aside to show what he has found.
And so, his parents were surprised to see a chest full of gold.
"We're rich now!" exclaimed Rouie as he jumped in happiness.
"Oh! We could really be rich with all of this money!" answered his mother kindly as she approached the chest, “But we really shouldn’t take it.”
"Why not?" asked Rouie, with the question on his face.
"It’s not ours so we shouldn’t take it, Rouie," replied his father.
"The owner must have lost it,” said his mother to his father, “We should find the owner and return it.”
His father nodded in agreement.
And then they closed the chest and started carrying it to the town, but after a few steps on the sand, they were already blocked by impish pirates who claimed to own the treasure.
"Nobody’s going anywhere!" said a pirate.
"No, we're not trying to-" answered Rouie's father but a pirate, with all of his “captain hat” and such, appeared to be the leader of the pirates, suddenly held his father's shirt up and spoke with his rugged voice.
"Don't you answer to me," he said.
As Rouie’s mother stared at the pirate’s face, began to recognize him and spoke.
"You're-" said his mother with faint and trembling voice, but stopped in fear of what she remembered.
But the pirate heard it and walked towards the woman.
"You know me, honey?" he asked with all of his frown lines.
"Don't you call my mother ‘honey’, you ugly!" shouted Rouie to the pirate from the right side of his mother.
The pirate turned to him and spoke.
"Ah! You must be-" said the pirate but Rouie's mother cut in.
"Enough, Rodrigo!” she said, “He's not your son!"
"So you remember me, Rohanna?" said the pirate.
Rouie's father was about to punch Rodrigo but was suddenly grabbed back by the other pirates.
"Louis!" called Rohanna to her husband but she was backed off by Rodrigo as he stepped forward.
Rohanna and her son stepped backwards as Rodrigo stepped forward until she fell down to the sand.
Out of anger, Rouie suddenly bit Rodrigo's left arm but the strong pirate was able to fend off and threw the kid aside at his left. The kid flinched for a while and wasn’t able to move.
“Rohanna!” called Louis to his wife.
“Take him up the cliff!” commanded Rodrigo to his pirates, “And you know what to do”
“Yes, boss,” answered the pirates and began dragging the struggling man to the top of the cliff.
“Rouie!” called Louis to his son but the pirates continued to drag him.
“No!” shouted Rohanna, “Don’t hurt him!”
“As for you my darling…,” continued Rodrigo as he went out of his mind and unsheathed his sword slowly from his right.
“No! Mother!” screamed Rouie but was still flinching and can’t move.
Rodrigo pointed his blade to the sky. A lightning drew its lines onto the sky, and it began to rain.
“Why, Rodrigo?” asked Rohanna with pitiful eyes.
But Rodrigo just gave her an evil grin and held her up on the neck and finally, the mad pirate pointed his blade to the woman and-
“Mother!” called Rouie with all of his voice but it was already too late as his mother was already stabbed by the Rodrigo’s blade.
This angered him and suddenly stood up out from his flinching.
“You monster man!” called Rouie to Rodrigo but spoke with a hallowed voice as his eyes and his entire body glowed in ocean blue. And all of a sudden, the waves of the ocean began splashing harder like anger.
Rodrigo wasn’t surprised as he always knew what had happened and so spoke.
“That’s my boy!” he said, “You have inherited a power just like mine!”
“I control the weather, and you control the water!” he continued, “Together, we can dominate the oceans of Ragonia!!”
“Shut up!” said Rouie as he cast his right hand and summoned a giant wave from the sea.
“No!!!” yelled Rodrigo as he was being devoured by the giant wave Rouie had cast.
Then, Rouie went to the body of his dead mother and looked upon her face with tears in her eyes, and went on to the top of the cliff to find his father.
However, he was more horrified to find his father killed by the other pirates. He cast his hands and summoned another monstrous wave which drowned the villains away.
He brought his dead father, afterwards, and laid him next to his dead mother. He cried over them terribly with bended knees.
And finally, he came back to normal and fainted.
End of flashback
As Rouie wiped his eyes and winked, he was surprised to see a baby creature made of water splashing upon his face.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
o.O
I could have gotten here sooner.
Ahem. Sorry I'm late, you've really got to give some indication in the title. "Elemental Dragons Chapter 2" or "Part 2" or "#2" or something. I completely thought this was the other thread until I checked the post count.
Also, why did you not PM me?
Anyway, I'll do a line-by-line.
How much reading have you done over the past year? It sounds like you haven't done much. Your narrative tells me this -- it's situated like a Grimm fairy tale: all telling, no showing. Even your dialogue seems to carry that essence.
Nix the first paragraph. You're switching tenses and besides that, it's just ineffective at giving a mental image. "Rouie woke on sand as a wave crashed into him, letting out a strangled cry as it hit his flesh wound..." That, or something like it, would be more appropriate. Ya don't fall from a cliff and not feel it in the morning.
Speaking of reality, this is a medieval-ish setting, yes? "Mom" and "Dad" are fairly recent terms, relatively speaking; "Mother" and "Father", "Mama" or "Papa" would be more fitting, especially if the child was young. That's a character decision, though. That is to say, use what your character would choose.
When using the flashback method, it's not necessary to say "-Flashback-", you just put the flashback text into italics, or bold. It's a stylistic decision as to which, though italics are more common.
Coming to the dialogue, you have got absolutely no sense of dramatic approach. It's rather like reading a school report. Everything that has to be conveyed in dialogue is conveyed in dialogue, but the characters don't seem to be talking. They're exchanging information, but nothing more. Would you talk like that with your parents? Would they talk like that to you?
Said
Dude, did you even read my previous review? XD You don't need to be afraid of said! Just let the dialogue flow and speak for itself.
What all those "Uh?"s mean? I am very, very confused. Clarity!
You need to throw in some action. The sound of one of the pirate's heavy breathing, the dude's dad shifting his weight from foot to foot, the blood pounding from fear in the MC's ear. Give the conversation depth with and through action.
Oh my gosh. XD This is a mess, isn't it? Your characters are given no stage cues, so they just run on and off the set at your whim. Keep them in the background. Give them a place to stand or pace or sit or whatever, and then puppeteer accordingly.
The only thing I can recommend right now is to read until your eyeballs fall out. It's hard to learn to speak when you've never heard language, you know? So just read and listen and observe styles.
I'm sorry I have to cut this short, but I've got a music lesson to get to.
READ.
And also PM me when you post the next part. :p
~Sumi