It was a rainy night like any other, nothing but the sound of the wind howling in the void. It was dark outside, so dark you couldn't tell one thing from the other. Was that a bird? Or was it just my imagination?
Do monsters exist or is it just in my head? The monsters I see that I dread. Will daylight ever come? Or will I be consumed in the black nothingness of this eternal nightfall?
I can hear it crawling closer, is it the one that will lead me to my death?For I feel my breathing grow faster with each step the strange creature takes.The creature stared into my face, tilting its head ever so slightly, then with haste it ate my face.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review! So sorry, that I took forever to get here. Will try to be more punctual next time!
Oh, so this is a very emotionally charged poem- that is talking to us- about the fear of the dark. Typically everybody is leery of the dark, as we are always afraid of what we cannot see. We want to know what is out there, and we hate not feeling in charge.
Although, this poem idea has been used fairly often, I think you put your own unique twist on it, which is always a good thing. Done a few poems myself, that were based off of commonly used ideas.
Unlike Strangelove, I can relate this to this semi-like, as I have a tendency to hate not seeing what is around me. I always have to know what is going on! And I think that this poem expresses this feeling and idea well. Great job!
Hmmm, I spy some redundancy! I put it in red for youuu...
OK, so with here I'm noticing you were trying to go for a little repetition, right? But outside doesn't really seem to flow with such a fab poem, on this line. Or at least not right there. I'd suggest re-phrasing it a little... kinda like this, if you don't mind that is.
See! You take out one word, and you still have the repetition but the word outside isn't sticking in your face, feeling out of place.
Now I understand that you want to do some description to this, and by using the word outside[/I[ you might feel that you're bringing that in. But something you might want to consider is making sure that you add the right amount of words in, while still bringing in the sense of [I]we know and get the feeling of it all into the piece. The only way you can do that really, is to read and re-read, over and over again, to make sure you have it right, while trying to critique yourself on it all. So the basic concept, I think you have down. Poetry is meant to make you think, and what you have here is an awesome beginning, if not an incredible one! Hope that made a bit of sense! (if not, then PM me and I'll explain further)
Hmm, I'm a little confused right now actually. It's dark, so he/she wouldn't be able to see the monster, right? What about saying something along the lines of The monsters I see with my mind's eye, that I dread or just something like that. Make it seem like we are inside the main person's head, and we are seeing through her/he mind and imagination.
Oh, that's a good line!
Just a silly nitpick! Need's a space in-between the two words.
Hmm, take out the first creature. Seems a bit redundant to me is all!
Hmm, seemed a bit sudden to me! Maybe you could exchange ate with something along the lines of devoured or perhaps consume? For such a emotional poem, you need to have your wording just sound and right, or else it will fall flat of everyone's expectations!
Alright! I think that's it from me for now! Again, I apologize for showing up so late, and I hope you weren't inconvenianced by it at all.
I hope this helped ya out, and if you need any help around the site or just need another review (especially if you are writing a novel chapter! I love reviewing those!), feel free to ask me!
~Cricket
Spoiler
Hello, and happy review day!
I really like this poem- it's simple, but it's still creepy. I feel like it's a little cliched, but I don't think you have to change it. It's fine the way it is. At the end, the line 'then with haste it ate my face', you may want to change the length. I feel like it's such a quick ending that you may want to make it a little longer.
It's not your classic format for poetry, which I like. Paragraph-like stanzas are always fun!
I enjoyed this piece lots, keep up the great work!
Your reviewer,
Aqua
Hey, yo, Caelix3! Strangelove here on this fantastic PokeReview Day and I have a quick review for you!
This was an interesting poem. The reason why it's interesting is because of the paragraph form. I enjoyed it, somewhat, and that's what I really only like about this. I am a picky person, so it doesn't mean your poem is bad. It's just how I view certain things.
This honestly felt cliched and simple. The simpleness isn't a bad part though, I actually like that. A lot of poems express fear of the darkness, which obviously means something more to the writer. This isn't the most original poem out there. You trace along the themes of loneliness, being afraid of the dark, and the "monsters" out there. Does it represent other fears? No. The only fear I got out of this is the fear of imaginary things. I felt that the narrator worries too much. What's the monster tilting its head? Beats me, probably means something else. I feel that it tried to grab empathy out of others, on how we can relate to this. I can not relate to this. It felt flat.
Also, in the last paragraph, you need to break off the last line if you want to make it better. By break it off, I mean make it its own separate paragraph or whatever. That sure would help this.
Overall, okay job.
Strangelove gives you...
Okay/10
Okay job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Thank you for reviewing my poem, I'll keep the stuff you pointed out in mind to help me in the future ^_^.
Hey Caelix3! I know you've been here a week or two, but I'm still gonna say it:
So I liked the topic of this poem. It was slightly creepy and I was kind of on the edge of my seat wondering if someone was going to die.
And someone sort of did. XD
So I'll go through nitpicks first, then what could be worked on and then praise.
Nitpicks!
So there are some punctuation errors here. I understand that in poetry, punctuation doesn't always matter. However, the rest of the poem is properly punctuated, therefore you should keep consistency by making this correct as well.
Take out the comma after 'head' and make it a question mark instead. Make sure there is a space as well
Period instead of a comma (if you prefer a comma, it's fine)
I see you're taking the route of two sentences/ideas and putting them in one line. Be careful with this, so make sure everything is connected and makes sense. Most of it looks fine here, but just be careful XD
what am I talking about, being careful is weirdTense change! First line is in present, second line is in past. Make sure everything is in the same tense so as to not confuse your readers. Also the second line is a strange run on. I would put a comma after "face" so the ideas are clearly set out and not mushed together.
So one thing I also notice is the line lengths. You don't have any clear stanzas so I'm assuming this is all one stanza. I would set it off into maybe 2 or 3. I know the Publishing Center is mean and has issues with line spacing, there is a forum that can help with you that. (unfortunately I can't find it, but I'll PM it to you once i can
Just work on everything I mentioned. The word choice is fine and I liked the idea. Formatting is your biggest issue as of right now.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the suggestions, I shall fix those as soon as I can.
Did I do the stanza thing right? I normally don't write poetry so I'm not sure.
Ooh, it's a lot better
If you want, you can make each sentence a new line. See in the first line how there are two sentences? Just make each sentence a new line. Unfortunately, there will be a large space you won't like when you make it a new line. That's why I'm trying to find that post about line spacing for you. 
Here's the link for formatting and spacing: How to format your poetry on YWS
Thanks for the link, I am sure it will help me out ^_^.