there is a single outgoing flight
all passengers are aboard. they have
always been aboard en-route
to; there is no pilot and the passengers
take turns being stewardess.
it is not unlike russian
roulette.
once they were all young and promising,
the writer
the athlete
the actress
the singer
the accountant
...et. al.
but one by one they were called
to the cockpit and none of them
could fly away
or pull the trigger, because
they know no world outside the airplane.
the passengers sleep easy,
born en-route to death.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
I enjoyed reading your poem. It flowed very well and I couldn't find any spelling or grammer errors. You did a good job adding imagery and background information to the story. I could just imagine this scene, all these different people on this airplane.
Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!
The simplicity reminds me of Kooser's work. It's really quite something -- encapsulating a single idea, a single theme, a single trajectory in a poem -- much like the linear desolation of this outward flight, we have a singular axis around which we pull a single thread, tighter and tighter and tighter, until the final, almost loveably predictable conclusion. Although this poem - unlike Kooser's writing - lacked the 'loveable' element at the very end, I'd still say the rest is fairly sweet, not in theme, but in the humbleness with which the theme is depicted. There are no prophets shouting from high towers. There is no madman shoveling his complex, somewhat undigestible and cold-blooded machinations down the readers throat. There is only an old man, a neighbour, a grandfather, a friend's great-uncle in a wheelchair with something important to say, a quiet voice, and gentleness. It's something I rarely see from your writing, this gentleness, and I will admit I am rather fond of it. I like you in this style.
Just the last line I'd suggest playing around with. A quiet surprise to finish, perhaps; a small revelation to leave us with? What you've got is almost an underline in every word you've written anyway: give me a highlight to leave the poem with. Up to you.
Lovely work.
Navita
OK, First of all, I think it would make the poem a whole lot better if you capitalized the first letter at the beginning of every line.
E.g: "T(t)here is a single outgoing flight". There are also some punctuation errors, the poem structure needs to be refined to appeal to the reader.
I'll just point out the lines that need correcting here:
"All passengers are aboard.
They have always been aboard
There is no pilot
And the passengers take turn being stewardess( are all the passengers female) maybe another word should be used here.
....The accountant,
..et. al- I don't see the need for this
Overall, I think this poem would be better and more understandable if it is revised and restructured.