The Bird That Made Me Bleed

Hello! Valkyria here with a review!

Spoiler

My condolences about your bird. Losing a pet can be very hard.

Firstly, I noticed that the title is kind of like an irony of itself. I thought that the poem would be about your bird physically causing you to bleed: by hard pecks or bites with its beak. Then the last line made me realize that the title is metaphorical.

I really enjoyed your rhyming scheme. It made the flow smooth and almost lyrical. I can see this poem being published for children, complete with illustrations, but still be enjoyed by an older audience. The language is simple, but very descriptive. Each line breathes with life.

The style reminds me of Dr. Seuss or Roald Dahl. I would love to continue to read more of your works. Well done!

Hello CadmiumAnitmony, incoming review!

I apologize, I haven't reviewed in a while, so this may be rusty. Also, my condolences, I'm sorry about your bird. I'll dive into the review now.

I'll start with any criticism I have. I know this is a delicate work, so I will try to be gentle with it.

I still wouldn’t try indeed.

Because the memory makes my heart bleed.

If it were up to me, I would have these last few lines have a couplet with more rhymes for about 2 lines. The rhythm you have would work nicely with maybe some more somber notes of how much your bird meant to you. I could recommend letting it rhyme with "could" from what you have set up. I just think it would flow nicely.

I was also thinking you could make each stanza five lines instead of four so the structure could have four strong rhyming lines with each last line being the "I wish I could say" line. I believe that four rhymes plus a tie-in line throughout the piece makes for a really strong poetic voice.

The last thing, I almost feel this work would be even better as a limerick. If you don't know what a limerick is, this post gives a good rundown of that. you'll have to scroll to "description" to find it.

Okay, now time to praise your work and show you where it shines.

Your voice throughout the poem is consistent and so heartbreaking. I understand how much a pet means, and while I haven't lost one myself yet, I can see your pain in your work. It's bittersweet and really tugs at my heartstrings.

I love this stanza:

Saw it hatch, the last of its batch.

Saw it escape a kitten’s snatch.

How that bird became my eye’s catch,

I simply can’t say.

It makes me go through the life of your bird and see the adversities it went through. And it also makes it have an impact on the reader, too, showing how even we wouldn't be able to say how that bird made its way into our hearts.

How I miss hearing that small bird sing,

This line also gets me. The emptiness of loss is something you described so well here with so few words. That's really impressive. If you had gone too frivolous in the structure instead of keeping it simple, there would have been emotion lost that you did very well incorporating.

But that's all I have for today, I hope you found some of it useful. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope writing this was healing. Have a good day and keep writing. Anyway, byeeeeeeeee