I woke up one morning tired.
Needing to start my day, it was tea I desired.
I stumbled into the kitchen; my legs still asleep.
Then I saw my reflection,
And the sight of my sagging eyes nearly made me weep.
Turned on my electric kettle.
Hoping for a cup of my favorite tea, nettle.
I quickly grabbed the milk, then turned to grab the sugar.
There goes the kettle whistle.
Oh no, all my hard work, and what did I discover?
No tea, so I jogged to the store.
For sure, I couldn’t resist but to buy a bit more.
Jogging had rescued me from being the living dead.
Reaching the store, I was pepped.
Being wide awake, I grabbed a bag of chips instead.
For sure that day was well started.
A little outdoor jog, and boom, fatigue departed.
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140,081 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello there!
I can’t help but feel (even though it clearly depicts a routine) that the morning routine is a metaphor.
The tea is a goal. Success? Happiness? A simpler goal, like finishing a project? Who knows. However, when you worked on it and finally got to the last step, you realized you were missing something. Inspiration? A material (ex a pencil but that’s not really poetic)? Or maybe motivation? And then, as you ran and ran in despair to find it, you gave up. You were tired and wondered, “what’s the point?”. I have this problem a lot, I’m a profession procrastinator that also starts procrastinating when I’m almost done with a project. I just lose interest.
So then you just grabbed a bag of chips. The chips are something you always do, maybe (like me) reading fanfic endlessly? Scrolling through TikTok or another social media? Who knows. And in the end, you never finished what you wanted.
Additionally, the rhymes are well done and ring nicely in the head. I am unable to spot an area of improvement according to my level of knowledge.
Anyways, lovely work!
Thanks, I didn't expect this to get a review so soon. I didn't intentionally write the poem as a metaphor but now that you've mentioned it, I can see what you mean. Thanks for opening up my eyes to it.
Hi, good poem
It's amazing to see someone around my age writing poems as good as this. My friends don't write poems and are not into literature, this kind of leaves me as an outcast.
That aside, this poem expresses feelings that one might take as mature. The picture that it paints in my head is a middle-aged person waking up who is exhausted with their life.
Let's get into the few places that it could be improved.
- You can rewrite a few lines making them shorter
- You can express the quickness or slowness of a situation by better-using language. I don't mean to rewrite you but I feel like I can't make this point clear without this; just take this as an example. You wrote, "I quickly grabbed the milk, then turned to grab the sugar," you might write it as "I grabbed the milk, and sugar, there goes the kettle whistle..." You may, of course, not like this.
- At the start of the poem you could express your emotions more. Instead of saying tired, you could say, "I viewed the world as a reflection in a rippling pond." I took this line from one of my poems.
This is a poem that I wrote a few days ago,
Thinking on the Roads
Hugging its branch
a leaf finally had to
give up to the wind,
if it could have thought
it would have sensed
the flight of feet
waiting to crush it
but there I was
just at the right place
to catch it in the air.
Simple scars on the leaf
make it complex;
the simple events
that I refuse to let
go off my head
the simple memories
that makes me un-understandable
they make me
elusive and unapproached.
I hope this gives you some inspiration for your future work.
P.S: This was published here: https://rickbarooah.substack.com/
All the best.