Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
The words flowed across the paper like rain down the window, ink soaking into parchment to form the coherent symbols that he alone dictates as letters, as words, as sentences. But the sentences lead to nowhere. He finished a page and began the next. An endless rhythm that only the writer in his tiny room could hear. The faint scratching of the pen was a soft melody that hypnotized him, drawing him further into his own words. The words sung from the paper but it was a song only he could hear. They were words that had not been heard by the world beyond the window.
The writer came to the end of his pages and set down his pen. As he did so the faint sound of rain tapped against the window. He looked out as the droplets fell against the window, making the lights of the city shimmer and dance. The lights had a melody that did not suit the writer. Instead he looked back to the pages and he sighed. Another long night to write on the page and wait in the darkness. The melody it must go on, for everyone’s sake. He could not let it end, the words must never end.
He stared at the words as he wrote; their ebb and flow summoned fear within him. They strained against the pages and screamed to be released. They had a melody, one that he wrote but not one that he enjoyed. He had no choice, it was what his heart bid him to do and it was the path destiny had laid before him.
Little did the writer know that tonight would be different. It would be a single sound that would change his destiny and his heart. It was a scream and it came from beyond the window. It came from below, in the tangle of lights and streets there was a cry of desperation and fear. The writer could not ignore it so he drew himself away from the page and walked over to the window.
Below in the dim lights and the rainfall he could see a young woman running, her cries following close in her wake. Chasing her was a man with no shadow, a Fracture. He was pursuing her into the alley alongside the apartment block and soon they would be gone from the writer’s sight. The writer looked back at the pages, they began to flutter and rustle as the melody had begun to slow. The writer now had two paths to choose between; his destiny or his heart.
Screams echoed across the alley walls and the writer could no longer bear it. He walked away from the writing table and towards his coat rack. He slipped a leather trench coat over his shoulders and gripped the door knob. He looked back to the table, if he did this; there would be no turning back. He would Fracture. He hung his head and turned the door knob.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey Roberts! Black here for a Review!
Okay, so first off! Amazing piece of writing you've got here. It's a bit too abstract and hard to follow for my taste, but your grammar is almost exquisite! Your spelling is perfect! Your plot is on the line to the dot! Your idea is really cool and original! Your theme is well laid out (If a bit abstractly shown)! If you have any problems then they're in your grammar and overall idea/detail!
Okay, so in this review I'm going to go over these two points as best as I can! I'm going to show you your problem, I'm going to fix the problem, and then I'm going to generalize from the problem and hope that you take my advice and try to fix your style! Really though, you have to remember that at the end of the day it's up to YOU, the writer, to fix the under-lying problem!
So, today I think I'm going to start with your Grammar then I'll go on to Everything Else ! Okay! Your main grammar problem is that you're very hard to follow. Okay, so that isn't necessarily a bad thing for this type of piece, but it's a problem. Ya see, no reader wants to, or should, read a piece of writing twice. Your style is extremely formal and forces them to do that. . . . Also, I think that you're not quite familiar with formal writing such as this, because you have some more technical problems.
Uh, okay, a couple problems here. This 'pages' makes no sense at all! Use a better word (I don't know what you're really saying so I have no suggestions). Also, rain can tap, but the sound of rain can't. . . .
Okay, so 'dance' is a cool word to use, but . . . it doesn't really make sense. Have you ever actually looked through a window such as this. I'd say something more like 'shimmered and blurred together' but not this. >.>
Okay, so you need a comma after 'melody'. Try reading your work out loud. You'll see what I mean. Also, I really don't agree with your theme here . . . granted, different writers have different styles but I've never seen a writer with a style that gave them a view on writing such as this. It's a bit . . . fantastical. It feels like you made it up to suit your purposes.
Read the first sentence of this paragraph . . . out loud. Do you see how awkward everything after the 'and' is? Try something more like “He was chasing her into the the alley alongside the apartment block. Soon they would be gone from his sight.” Using 'the writer' gets really old. Also, if you don't like my suggestion 'writer's' should be 'writers' anyway.
'it' isn't really the right word to use. It's awkward. Also, the 'writer' is getting old. Give him a name. Some looks. A gender! Something else. Re-write.
Okay, to me it looks like you're just being a bit too fancy with your writing. If you simplified it a bit it would make it much easier to read . . . MUCH>
Okay, now for the rest.
All-right. You half give the feeling in this piece that this work is a story, but the overall style seems to suggest that this is a essay type thing. You need to be more specific on what it is. Not a hard thing to fix. But it could be a problem.
Anyway! Great work! I muchly appreciated this, good work for sure! Remember the one most important thing: KEEP WRITING! Do this and I give you a one hundred percent guarantee that you will improve!
~Black~
Hi, CadhlaRoberts!
This is a very interesting idea you have here. At first, it seemed a bit more like an opening to a short story to me, but I really can't wait to see what you do with this. I only have a few nitpicks.
1.) You do a really good job of this most places, but you slack up a bit in the last paragraph. Try not to start too many consecutive sentences with the same word. Be creative. You do so well before this paragraph. Just continue it.
2.) While it's okay since this is a novel chapter, perhaps you should further elaborate on what a Fracture is. The reader only catches wind of it in the last bit twice, but it's enough to confuse them.
3.) I agree with Andrea2676Marie that I'd like to see some dialogue, even though it's great as it is.
4.) Why does the writer stay inside all day? I understand the whole choosing his destiny over his heart, but why does is becoming a Fracture his destiny? If he's a writer, wouldn't writing be his destiny as well?
Other than that, this is amazing. I love the comparing his writing to a song only the writer can hear and I especially love your use of language. I wish you the best with this and hope to see more.
Keep writing,
Rocky
I really like this, and I think that you have a really original idea here. I encourage you to expand on it more, and really see what you can make of it. I would like to see some dialogue, but what you've written is really amazing. Keep up the amazing work, and as always, good luck to you and your writing.