The First Sonnet

Thanks, guys. I attempted a sonnet because I'm terrible at rhythm and structured poetry and all that. I realize that the rhythm in this poem is just a weensy tiny bit off...*falls off chair laughing*

No, really. Thanks for the help. Watch out for my next episode of "Free Verse Addicts Anonymous".

Colleen

You've stuck to the format quite well, albeit you have a few too many commas. I suggest breaking it up into the quatrain and couplet format for easier reading, along with checking your rhyme pattern. abab cdcd efef gg

cadmium wrote:these wild thoughts are never real, I remind

I enjoyed reading this -- the linebreaks were a nice sight to see, they gave a much more natural flow to the poem [sometimes people new to a form panic and keep the sentence structure the same throughout, which makes it even harder; sonnets are hard enough without every two lines being a set sentence!]. The syllable counts seem accurate, but is this in iambic pentameter? It didn't seem like it in the first few lines, but my meter is pretty sketchy.

In my thoughts, he’s mine, and in misty dreams
filled up with romance that stems from the minds
of wistful girls with un-held hands. It seems
these wild thoughts are never real, I remind I guess it's there for rhyme and meter but "it seems" and "I remind myself" are kind of redundant.
myself. These dreams are ships all doomed to sink, ooh, I love this line, this definately has the rhythm.
and though I feel my hands slow slipping in
to his, I must remind myself to think
and swim fast from this boat before I’ve been something weird going on with the tense here. "before I get pulled" makes more sense, though it doesn't sound as nice. Hm. I guess play around with "I've been".
pulled into the arms of maybe-boy. Yet maybe-boy <3
his arms are warm and real and maybe he
is truly mine. I’ll stay, I’ll not regret
my choice to sail across this pounding sea.
Sail upon these waters black; we shall sip 'upon these waters black' sounds very old-fashioned; maybe that's on purpose, but it does contradict the more modern sort of voice throughout the rest of this poem.
from them, maybe-boy, captain of my ship.

Swottielottie wrote:One small thing though, on the second line do you mean mind not minds because it doesn't ryhme with the next alternate with a s.

Good sonnet, I recently started doing them at school and I realised they are not easy at all.
One small thing though, on the second line do you mean mind not minds because it doesn't ryhme with the next alternate with a s.

Yet
his arms are warm and real and maybe he
is truly mine. I’ll stay, I’ll not regret
my choice to sail across this pounding sea.
Sail upon these waters black; we shall sip
from them, maybe-boy, captain of my ship.