Published December 31, 2006
My cousin and I roamed the boardwalk.
Tourists.
Not many would have guessed
that we're related:
She, round edges and yellow curls,
blue eyes laughing at the way
her hips gently spilled out of her jeans;
I, thin, with sloping angles,
long fingers pulling at copper braids.
Still, with the way our sunburns
complemented each other,
or the way she plucked blossoms
off the trees to plant behind my ears,
we might have been sisters.
Our mothers are sisters;
my aunt watched as my cousin and I
collided with the Gulf of Mexico,
the ocean tugging at the straps of our swimsuits.
I floated, eyes closed against the sunset,
feeling the tide lick at my peeling shoulders.
She dove, surfacing ten feet away,
two hermit crabs clutched in her sandy fingers.
We said goodbye at the airport,
exchanging bags of seashells,
hibiscus petals wilting in our hair.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Changed! Thanks for the advice. Well, I don't know if the change is what you were looking for, but it's no longer "bubbled". I was surprised that people had an issue with it, actually; it was a description that automatically popped into my mind as I composed this poem in the shower and I gave it no more thought after that.
Thanks for all the replies!
Colleen
Yes a nice poem and I agree with Claudette. The description makes the persons seem fat in which the jeans dont fit.
I would change the word "bubbled" to something more elegant.
It read beautifully! I like how you delicately and not too strongly described everything, there were no rough words or very floating comparisons, just "This is it" and I like that about it.
I agree with Dreamy.
It just...doesn't sound right. Her hips are bubbling out of her jeans, I think of a someone overweight person or someone wearing jeans too small for them to be in, which isn't a bad thing, just "Hips bubbling" doesn't work for me hee hee.
I liked it a lot. It was graceful. There was no rhythm (though I didn't check for one) and there was no rhyme, but it did splendid without either of those things.
Keep it up!
Aww...that's sweet. But it doesn't seem to have much of a point. Yes, it tells a story, but, oh I don't know, it just didn't really stand out to me. I'm don't really know about poetry, and maybe this is just a differant kind, but it just didn't seem to have much of a point. Don't worry, overall it was enjoyable and I thought it was touching.
Go cadmuim!
Beautiful, cadmium, simply beautiful. The last stanza is the best. In fact, the only spot(s) I would recomend some editing is in the first stanza, the description.
Bubbled is perhaps not the best word to use here - I would try to find a substitute.
I like the way you seem to contradict yourself, saying that though physically the two of you did not look related, your actions disply your bond. Fine job. ^_^