Published August 4, 2007
It's eight o'clock and frozen waffles spin
around the microwave. The girl I will
be paid to watch while Mommy's out has in
her hands a flashlight. When the lightning kills
the power, we will have to turn it on,
I say. I know, she tells me, grinning like
she just can't wait. And then!—the lights are gone
for seven breath-held seconds. Lightning strikes
nearby again; the lamps burst on. She seems
almost disappointed. The storm's leaving,
I say. Where does it go? she asks. Rain streams
down the windows; I sigh. Lightning's weaving
'cross the sky, and I am silent, for I
have no answer; where does the thunder fly?
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Not every day you see one of your old poems revived from the slumbering depths of the forums. (Life_Sux_Poetry_Rox, you might go check out some of the more recent postings in Poetry; those authors need reviewing more than these old poems do!)
To address the concerns about line breaks: I know what you're saying, but it's a sonnet! A bad one, at that. But still a sonnet, which has a set form.
It's very good. However, i think you might have slightly killed the enjambment. Too much of a good thing can be bad. And is it me or do you seem to be going off on one a bit towards the end because you start out with a baby-sitter and end with a storm. The meaning might be totally lost in translation with me, but that's just what i think.
The dialogue bits were a little confusing; maybe you could italicize those to be clearer?
I thought that this was the best part of the poem. I liked the rhyme scheme. I want to say "I want paragraphs" because everyhing runs into each other, but I know that would break the sonnet :shrug:
I like this alot. It's very down to earth. I think the line breaks dont work though.
Nice Sonnet! It really kept me up to the last beat, because Soneets always have a nice little method of surprising the reader. The story itself was incredibly entertaining, and the rhythm kept me counting my fingers. I liked the rhyme, too.
The problem with this poem is that I did not find the topic. There is no underlying concept. So what if the thunder went away? So what if the child you babysat wanted it to stay? What is the connection? You must tell us; maybe the child is excited from the thunder but is scared of lightning--you could draw a theme from that, and then surprise the reader in the end that the child is deaf or blind. Maybe the thunder goes away, and so does the child's laughter? Who knows!
Amusing, eloquent, but with no concept. Just try to rework it!
The concept of the poem was a bit confusing. Were you baby sitting and the child asked you about lightning? That's what I pulled from it.
Could use a bit of format work. The lines break off randomly and continue on the next line. Try breaking them off in a more strategically, when the drama kicks in, that's when you should pull out the dun da dad duuuuhhh DRAMATIC PAUSE!
ok. so I really like your idea, but what exactly is this? A sonnet for the neighbor kid? or a poem about thunder? Maybe I am pointlessly rambling, but I'd think that the ending would... not be thunder. you know?
but besides that, after I read through it a couple times, I really enjoyed it. good rhythm. Nice "story." keep it up!