Guys, please check the dates on topics. It's clear Cade is done with this particular story. ^_~
[Now, this is a Creative Writing assignment. Please understand that I SUCK at prose, and that I made it through the first half of the class writing mediocre poetry that my teacher liked. Now I actually have to work. This is a thing that needs help. The assignment: Write mostly dialogue. Help it! Help it!]
He drew roses on the table with his fingers and looked out the window. Which one would she be? he wondered. The one in the silver sedan? The girl with too many rings on her right hand? The one pushing a stroller? He knew only that he knew nothing.
“Mark?”
He twisted around. He hadn’t even seen her come in, and there she was behind him. “Laura?”
“Yeah! It’s…amazing to meet you,” she said, extending her hand.
He reached out slowly. He let her thumb and four short fingers scrape across his palm before finally grasping hers and sputtering out the inevitably redundant greeting. “Nice to meet you, finally.”
She sat down opposite him. His jeans rustled slightly as he drew his legs back. He’d spilled coffee on his shirt.
“So…why’d you pick this place?” he said.
She laughed and motioned to the folded waitress’s uniform in her bag. “I work here.” So that’s why he hadn’t seen her come in.
“I’ve never been here before. Well…I guess that makes sense. I live an hour away.”
“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you lived that far! We could’ve met down the road a ways if I’d known,” she said.
“No, it’s okay. You work here? I thought you were in college.”
“Oh, I am. Yeah, this place is far from campus, but I hate running into other students, so here I am.”
“I hated that too. One time I even had to serve my English professor at the restaurant I worked at, and he got drunk.”
She giggled nervously. “Well, thank God that hasn’t happened to me.”
“So, Laura, I…I just realize that I…know nothing about you. I should, shouldn’t I? I mean, we only met a little while ago on the freaking internet, and it’s kind of a shock to find out your father had another child and you have a...sister...out there, but really...”
“Well, it’s not like I know any more about you, huh?”
His relief at her nonchalance was evident. She noticed that his grin was crooked. “Well,” he started, “I…work at a bank. Kind of boring.”
“Really? Well, you know I’m in college. I’m studying engineering.”
“Nice.” He grinned.
Her pager buzzed. “Oh, crap,” she muttered, “I have to go. It was wonderful to meet you…” Her voice trailed off.
“Yeah, I can’t believe all of this,” he said. “Sis,” he added, like a weight to the conversation.
“Well,” she answered, shaking off the awkwardness again, “I’ll see you, bro.” She kissed him on the cheek and clattered out the door.
“Kate?”
She turned, now safely out of Mark’s range of vision. “Everything went fine, Captain. He’s bugged.”
“Bro? Nice touch, Kate. Very believable.”
“All in a day’s work, Sir.”
Guys, please check the dates on topics. It's clear Cade is done with this particular story. ^_~
I agree with chocoholic, I had no idea what happened at the end. but I really liked it though. that would have to be the awkwardest situation.
Nice. I don't think I need to go through it line by line because no mistakes or anything jumped out at me. It seemed very casual, and at first that didn't seem right, but it got better in the end.
A question, what happened in the last bit? I really didn't get it.
Oh, yeah, thanks a bunch of dragging this piece of crap up again, jessiieeboo.
I kid. Thanks for the comments, guys, though I don't even think this piece exists on my hard drive anymore.
Very nice work I agree with the first poster but if your teacher likes that then keep it that way. xD
i liked it. pretty good, actually. i especially liked the last few sentences. It changes the whole story. too bad it's just a writing assignment, i'd like to hear more.
Thanks for the replies!
As for the dialogue, (which was the assignment right?) it was good, very believable and flowed well too, the only suggestion I could make for that would be to add a little bit more description. mostly dialogue doesn't mean only dialogue. You know???
“So…why’d you pick this place?” he said
She laughed and motioned to the folded waitress’s uniform in her bag. “I work here.” So that’s why he hadn’t seen her come in.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you lived that far! We could’ve met down the road a ways if I’d known,” she said.
“No, it’s okay. You work here? I thought you were in college.”
“Really? Well, you know I’m in college. I’m studying engineering.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe all of this,” he said. “Sis,” he added, like a weight to the conversation.
You said a lot of he did, she did, his, her. That kind of thing, which after a while got a tad bit weird, you could have said their names more often, just to help with the flow.
As for the dialogue, (which was the assignment right?) it was good, very believable and flowed well too, the only suggestion I could make for that would be to add a little bit more description. mostly dialogue doesn't mean only dialogue. You know???
Anyways, well done, I love the twist you added in at the end =D, very cool. Keep up the good work!!!!
Writing mostly dialog is ultra tough, and I think you did well. The dialog flows good and is very believeable. I had a harder time following your story on the few descriptive parts. LIke the first time I read the part about how he took her hand, I was a confused. I think it's because it's a wordy sentence. Try simplifying it a little bit and see what happens. Also where you wrote
"it’s kind of a shock to find out your father had another child and you have a...sister...out there, ”
I got lost on what he was talking about. If the "your" was replaced with "my" and "you" replaced with I, that would be clearer--to me.
But I really liked the plot twist at the end. Really nice.
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