Sunlight coats the icicles
that cling to our gutters.
I sigh, knowing they won’t
disappear for another six
weeks, probably more.
The kids across the street
learn that, when making
a snowman, things are always
easier said than done, but that
hot cocoa always waits
faithfully on the countertop.
With my back to the window,
the whir of a snow blower might
be the hum of a lawnmower,
and the harsh, cold light
pouring through onto the
kitchen table might be the
dripping wet whisper of summer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked the last stanza, too, it was more original. It seemed like the last stanza was almost a different poem, it didn't fit well with the other two.
The second stanza especially didn't fit, because it's talking about someone else, while the rest is about you.
You should definitely work on that last stanza. If you could pull off a couple more like it, that would be awesome, but with a little work it could stand on its own.
I loved the last stanza like everyone else. I don't see anything wrong with it. It had a nice relaxing flow too.
Good job and keep up the excelent writing!
Thanks, guys! I know this is far from my best work. The first two stanzas are boring, aren't they? I think it's just that the images are too conventional. I'm currently working on developing the last stanza alone into a new poem. Do you think the last stanza could stand alone as a poem, with minor editing, or should I draw it out into a longer one?
Thanks again!
Colleen
I agree with BFG the first two stanzas don't really hold my attention and seemed slightly ordinary, but i really did love the last line. I like how it sounds when said aloud and I like the alliteration of the 'W' in 'Wet' and 'Whisper'. Very effective.
The last line did catch the eye. However, on a whole it's lacking and slightly childish. What does winter personify? Just think a little harder, tear apart your subject, disect it, and rebuild it into something beautiful! Best of luck.
~Capn't Six
Ooooh, I love that last stanza, especially the last line. Totally know how you feel.
I thought the first two stanzas were less interesting, not so captivating. I didn't really like the hot chocolate waiting faithfully on the counter... even though it's real it sounds cliche, and it also didn't really add much to the poem. I also thought the direct reference to the six weeks more of winter shouldn't have been there, that it ruins the title by explaining it too much.
This seemed very real to me - I love how you capture these very simple, honest, tangible moments in your poems. It's like a snapshot camera - I don't have to turn the picture every which way trying to figure out which direction it goes, or guess at who it's of. I really like that.