Published July 27, 2008
Now, normally I don't post stuff the same day I write it. But I was feeling spontaneous. Please rip it to shreds.
--
Did you know, Suzanne,
that I intended to write a poem today,
even though I haven't written
a poem
in months?
(It's hard to go so long
without a poem.)
And, to be honest
for a moment, I
didn't intend to write it for you.
I really
wanted to write a poem for this
boy I know, who was also born on this day,
but I had
nothing to say.
(It's hard to go so long
without something to say.)
But here it is,
and I haven't wrapped it
or anything, but I
made it myself,
you know, and I thought you might
appreciate the effort—
neither you
nor he
will ever know the difference.
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Canary word: Present
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Awww! It was very playful. Kind of cute and innocent in that way. Though very sincere as well. I thouroughly enjoyed it. The feelings were very well expressed, and I don't really have anything to complain about. I liked the interjections of the sentences in parenthesis. Very, very cool! Keep it up! And don't be afraid to be spontanious more often!
~Yoyo
Haha. This is really a playful poem. Very playful poem. Simplicty usually does it well, and this poem was certainly well-done. I loved the bareness of it all, the frankness. It's open and emotionless and just like a little birthday present for Suz.
I also thought that it could be longer. More emotional. More descriptive. Still simple though. I think you should add more stream-of-conciousness stuff, like
"I was wondering what to give you
and I remembered
the day you asked me for something
that wasn't made of stone.
I decided..."
blah blah blah blah blah.
Also, on the first line, the mention of Suzanne's name feels forced and just informational, something we could have guessed by your title.
Otherwise, I liked it.